|Reviews for Vague Reminiscenes|
| spawater chapter 1 . 4/17/2012
voices fears and thoughts more easily then words can do
And Sirius, though his fiery, impulsive temper and usually rebellious attitude was a wise ma
I would write: And Sirius, despite his fiery, impulsive temper and usually rebellious attitude, was a wise man.
"Because friends are the only bridge to a happy life. In the end, friends are the only who really matter, and when you lose them ... you just lay down on your bed realising just how alone you truly are without them. You come to apprehend that you're just a lonely wolf lost in the woods."
I like this part, especially in contrast with the part before, about Sirius on James and Lily's wedding.
'As his spoke, his eyes were still fixated on the portray, but he seemed to be looking through it. Harry couldn't tell is Sirius was talking to him or to the ghosts that haunted his every move.'
"No, I didn't. They wuld be sitting here with us tonight if I did."
'Watching his godfather, the Gryffindor asked himself if he would be reacting just like him if he were to lose his friends.'
I'd just say 'Harry', as they're both Gryffindors and the fact that Harry is a Gryffindor is not very relevant; his bravery, for instance, does not matter in this context.
'There were so many questions he was willing to ask'
'Was willing' is strange; it's like someone is asking him to ask questions, and he doesn't necessarily mind asking them. I'd say 'want', rather than 'was willing'.
'It was not fair, that he had spent more time'
I'd take out that comma.
"When you've been taken to the Ministry,''
There's a word of 'time' in this sentence, so the tense used should be past simple: When you were (being) taken to the Ministry.
'you didn't fight against' - against what? 'it/them/life' - what? This sentence needs an object.
"But they were witnesses", - there, not they, I assume, unless the court consisted of witnesses.
"My poor witnesses", the older wizard shook his head.
I'd make that comma a period. "My poor witnesses." The older Wizard shook his head.
'As hespoke, Sirius took a small pack covered in a handkerchief out of his pocket.'
As he spoke
"Cake", the wizard replied
I know you mean Sirius, but Harry is a Wizard, too. Why don't you just say 'Sirius'? It doesn't make you an incompetent writer to just use the names of the characters, rather than descriptions of who they are.
"and you torturing a poor cat.", he smiled,
You could use this comma here, but I'd make it a period. "a poor cat." He smiled (at the memory?)
I like the story (even if my feedback makes it seem I didn't). I like the idea of Sirius and Harry having this conversation; it's a shame they never had it in the real books.
| MissEMT chapter 1 . 4/17/2012
you have a few spelling/writing errors. you might like to proofread again.
it's a nice story. Sirius and Harry are sweet. i was a bit confused on when this was taking place and why Harry was upset/scared... maybe make it more obvious within the story? it helps the reader feel more involved if the detail is there. clarify these points and i think you've got a very good story here.