|Reviews for The Outlaw Star Alliance|
| asdfjkl123456789 chapter 4 . 5/5/2012
Hi! Okay, first I will put out there that I don't really want Gundam Wing (I've watched Gundam 00 and Seed though).
First of all, I want to point out the summary. I think on the forum, you said you only have ~118 hits. I don't really know if that's a lot in the Gundam Wing fandom (since the one I write for, Naruto, probably has a lot more readers thus more hits usually), but you can DEFINITELY increase hits by making your summary better. Here, it's not a good idea to say: "read and you'll find out" or "I suck at summaries" or "Story about Gundam Wing" or anything similar. First of all, your summary is what makes a reader WANT to read your story in the first place. You'll get a greater number of hits and the increase your potential number of reviewers. So even if you have to think for a while, make sure your summary will grab the reader's attention. Make sure to hint at what might happen, maybe introduce one or two of your main characters, and the main problem. If you still are stuck with writing a summary, you can look at summaries of well reviewed stories (usually they are attention grabbing) and think of how you can twist it to accommodate your own.
Next, and possibly second to plot in importance, is grammar/spelling/word choice/punctuation (the annoying stuff). While I can say that you're writing isn't bad in a way that I won't read it, there are definitely places you can improve. Here are some examples:
Chapter Two: "Atsuko, dashed at Goro with surprising speed"
-should be "towards" not "at". Pay attention to which words you use. This kind of "proper word use" also comes/came up (idk if you already took it) in the SAT.
Chapter Three: It had the standard green eyes with one big blue plate where underneath the eyes. It also had gold horns; Den separated the robe and let it hang behind his gundam.
-okay, first of all semicolons join two related clauses. I won't go into the awkwardness of the sentence, but "it also had gold horns" and "Den separated the robe and let it hand behind his gundam" is to different things. It's very strange to put a semicolon in there. (While semicolons are very useful, do not use them carelessly). Maybe something like this would be better: "Gold horns adorned the top of its head, a feature that made it stand out from all other models. Den smiled, briefly admiring his own unit and quickly tossed the robe behind the machine."
Also there are many other cases where you are missing commas, PERIODS, and other things.
Chapter Four: "Whose there?"
-wrong use of "whose". "Whose" is plural, you mean "who is" or "who's". Again, wrong use of words. Make sure to properly look over the chapter 2-3 times before you post it. You will definitely find errors.
run-on: "Outside they heard Atsuko start up Nexus Gundam and fly away, her Gundam barely had enough power to manage this small task but soon Atsuko was out of sight, and out of their hair…for now."
But I'm sure if you keep and eye out for those, and if you keep on writing, you'll slowly but surely get better! XD
As a few tips (from my experience), I think that stories with a destined goal are better received. While I'm sure you have something in plan for the story, as the reader, I don't really know what's the plot (other than the stopping the war). Why are they fighting the war? What's the purpose? Is there some small angst, dilemma, in the background that is fueling the war? However, I feel like you need to be more descriptive and seriously take some time to develop it. In the Gundam series, a main point is the reason WHY the characters are seeking world peace. I feel your reasoning or introduction to this piece of information is too rushed and glanced over. Your characters make their decision because they oppose their commander. However, the small dialogue similar to "hey I don't agree, let's ditch this mission" is a little "lame" if you would excuse my use of the word. There should be something deeper in this.
Sorry if this was long _; I hoped some of that helped. XD If I didn't already mention it, I was trying to be critical and honest without being too bias and unreasonable. There were definitely parts I thought was good and I really do think you have potential! Good luck!
| Unknown chapter 4 . 4/25/2012
Awesome series and so far i have no complaints,especially liked the way you went into detail about the enemies mobile suits and how you described the fight scenes plus how you brought out all of the pilots personalities and their general it's just epic