|Reviews for Lost knight|
| lovetowrite390 chapter 2 . 10/10/2004
So far so good. Just wondering, are any of the women from the Mists of Avalon going to enter into this plot? Please update soon!
| Dreamspazz chapter 1 . 11/30/2003
All right. This story has some problems. It seems like with some help it could be a decent story, but right now, to be honest, I couldn't get through the first chapter.
First of all, you should really edit before you post. I noticed a lot of grammatical mistakes. It's helpful to read your stories aloud, because then you can catch things that sound awkward. YOu could also get someone like a friend, parent, or teacher to read through for you if you need help. THings like comma use and switching tense were the biggest mistakes I caught. Things like that really keep a story from flowing well.
Next, you need to fix the format of the story. Right now it is full of wierd symbols wherever quotation marks or apostraphes would be. It is EXTREMELY annoying. This was probably the reason that I couldn't even finish the first chapter; it's just annoying so have to pick through all that. WHen you update stories, save then as a Web Pages. Then you can upload, and your problem should be fixed. If not, email fictionpress and ask them what to do. It really inhibits the flow of the story.
Now on to smaller things.
The flow of the story is VERY awkward. It was very hard to follow. For example, you write:
"Cris watched the soldiers advanced, one of them reached down for her, then silence and everything goes black.
| AnyaAnanda chapter 1 . 7/1/2003
ok, i am going to try and review so i help you, and not just say it is good (which it is, lol!)
1st - “P-papa want y-yous c-come eat.” Julian replied catching his breath. Unlike Jade, Julian had a small speech problem and was sometimes hard to understand, but Crimson could under stand him perfectly. [you should re-word this last sentence so that you do not have to use the word understand twice]
2nd - Being a thief has it’s advantages. Crimson thought as she ducked behind a stack of water barrels waiting for the guard to pass. Being eight also has it’s advantages and disadvantages. Now that she was older the other villagers saw past her cuteness to her true intentions, which were often to take and sell of anything she could get her hands on. [this is a little sudden to thrust on the reader, you might try a little suddeler route, work that she is a thief a little later into the story]
3rd - Tonight she was after a prize bigger then rings and necklaces. There it is[,] the best sword in all of Arcadia and it’s going to be mine. Crimson thought. The shinny new sword sat leaning against a rack near the front of the blacksmith shop. [wouldn't food be something she would be more likely to want at first? also, you really need a comma after there it is, i had to read that through a couple times before i got it.
4th - She closed her eyes tightly hopping that when she opened them the man would be gone. [just watch the spelling, i think you want hoping here]
5th - Just go away, please just go away. She closed her eyes tightly hopping that when she opened them the man would be gone.
Crimson opened her eyes to find herself laying face down on the ground in the middle of the village square. She slowly sat up and looked around, to her right two of the soldiers had a hold of Julian and Jade, to her left stood a large man with a black skull shaped mask. [you need to mention somthing about her being caught, or about her being hit on the head, etc.]
6th - “Why do you lie?” He motioned to the soldier and he pulled the dagger across Jade’s throat killing her inistantly, he released his hold on her and her lifeless body fell to the ground. [you need more emotion here, this little girl is just calmly killed by a soldier and Crimson doesn't have any emotion at all! think of it like your little sister was just killed in front of you!]
7th - [you use Cris at the beginning then you change it to Crimson, you should either change back and forth or just use one]
8th - Crimson shook her head raping her arms around Julian. “I will not leave you father.” [another spelling error that makes a big difference to the story, i think you want rapping . . .]
9th - “It’s not true Damen[,] is my father.” [again the comma matters here, read it aloud to yourself]
very good job, you should work a little more on detail and transitions but i really like what you have here, it is a really thought out plan, good job, keep writing!
| Elda Aranel chapter 2 . 6/9/2003
great story. Keep going
| Isabella Dragon chapter 1 . 1/18/2003
this is a good story
| LegalanGreenleaf chapter 2 . 8/20/2002
Out of couriosity, what does this story have to do with the mist of avalon?
| Chou ni Natte chapter 1 . 7/17/2002
Hey are you Wiccan?