|Reviews for To Live In The Hearts We Leave Behind|
| Daniel chapter 1 . 10/15
Give me more
| Elise chapter 1 . 6/14
Thank you for this very nice story! :)
| Ganheim chapter 1 . 11/14/2014
with bomb after bomb
[So I’m guessing this was before the day of the comet? Your note/description implied it may have been during. Some more description would have helped place the events]
fleet had run out
[had verb – just ‘fleet ran out’ would drive home the fact]
had simply dug
[had verb AND an unneeded –ly]
he had flipped open
[had only adds distance and passivity, I think this line more than many needs a direct feel of action to drive home his anger and despair]
and earth-like climate
fabric (which for
[parentheticals seem like an apology for the text within them. If you wrote the viewpoint a little more strongly to one character (like O’Neill), then you’d only have to tweak it to be his thought and it would fit perfectly]
thrum that could barely be felt
The Stargate was in a heavily wooded area
[But you described the stargate in the bombed region, I’d think it would look as close to a glass parking lot as Azula could get without nukes. If this is a step back in time (as I suspected when reading this for the second time), then there needs to be a clear clue as to such]
red Strom Troopers
think Air Strikebefore there was another blast
[I have no idea what this is intended to say. If you’re referencing a game or movie, that’s only effective if the audience knows it. It’s always more powerful to paint the scene yourself, that can draw in anyone. Fortunately, the narrative is kinda from Jack’s POV, so he might put it in these words – it’s still not clear to me]
blasted frond, kept safe
[A frond isn’t going to do jack to protect you from an explosion, and effectively nothing against an earthbender’s earthchuck]
zeppelins had come
climbed a small hill
[I know you’re trying to describe the battle from SG1’s fortuitously distant perspective, but what about his earlier note about needing to check the natives’ weaponry?]
kids this age
[Tended to be the front-line soldiers for that technological period, unfortunately. Not that Jack would think any different, possibly even not regarding his son]
Good writing, with basically the same criticism as before – rephrase out some passive construction and had-verbs and you’ve got a strong story. I did find it confusing how you started with Aang reflecting back on a battle that you then rewind to – either adding a ‘time skip back’ indicator or moving it to the end of the story would be a workable way to handle it. Aang would still think his friends are gone and the audience would know they’re under safe if sporadically crazy hands and would then be even more interested in reading your other story. The last comment I’d make is that I don’t think it’s necessary to read either story first, they are capable of standing on their own.
| Tasss chapter 1 . 7/2/2014
I wonder what happens next... actually I've already read Rampage, as you suggested, so I know what happens next. This is a great idea that works really well! But how comes the stargate was out in the open? What would it have been seen as in the Avatar world?
It's sad to think that Aang didn't stop the Fire Lord (or the 'Phoenix King') during the time of the comet, because surely he would have destroyed a lot and killed a lot of people. Lucky for Zuko and Toph that Teal'c has keen eyesight...
| Mondtanz chapter 1 . 4/13/2014
I think that the story is very well written. Would you do a story where Toph and Zuko are returned to their home? It would be difficult as the Stargate is buried, but maybe there would be a way to send a message and get Aang or one of his allies to unearth it...
| Earthspark chapter 1 . 3/15/2013
All right! This story answered my questions about "Rampage."
| DeathOfTheBlackDragon chapter 1 . 2/26/2013
I really like this story and if you think it possible, could you please keep writing this story line?
| BiblioMatsuri chapter 1 . 1/6/2013
*claps* As usual with the observant non sequiturs, Daniel. Very cool AU.
| Vladimir Zhivanevskaya chapter 1 . 12/18/2012
MOAR! That is, I really enjoyed this. clockworkchaos wrote a sequel for Rampage, then you wrote a prequel...methinks a collaboration is in order. Okay, pretty please? (with flattery on top?).
| flamenin chapter 1 . 12/1/2012
You should continue this idea. Its different and interesting.
| Murriana chapter 1 . 9/18/2012
askdhfaksljdhf I AM IN LOVE WITH ATLAxSG1 CROSSOVERS OK
like seriously this and rampage are great
-rolls around on floor-
| Sam chapter 1 . 9/5/2012
| Annabelle chapter 1 . 8/26/2012
nice idea. Update it please...
| neko-chibi-faithkitty chapter 1 . 8/4/2012
Two words: Love. It.!
| DrIvoRobotnik chapter 1 . 6/25/2012
Your stories are amazing! Keep up the good work!