|Reviews for Our Life Together|
| TolkienScholar chapter 1 . 2/24
This was still much more than I was or ever could be comfortable with, but for the sake of the game, I'll try to leave a few tips. I am fandom blind, just so you know.
What struck me immediately was that you describe the basic features of the characters a lot when what you're really trying to get at is their interaction. For example, that first sentence isn't focusing on the right things; you're focusing on their looks, when what you want to emphasize is the relationship. Wally has clearly been kind to Artemis's family, so emphasize that and use it to develop his character so that the reader has a reason to care about the characters and their relationship. For example, the first couple paragraphs might read something like this:
"Wally leaned down and kissed Artemis's shoulder, his fingers running through her long blonde hair. Her dark green eyes stared into his as he straightened again; then they wandered to the bags of food on the kitchen table. Smirking, he cupped her face in his hand and turned it back to face him.
'I shouldn't have let you buy my family so much food,' she said."
See how the focus becomes their close, loving relationship instead of physical description of them? It also removes the irrelevant detail about the kitchen's normal size and makes the action clearer.
Make sure your character interactions are believable as well. There's no way Artemis's mom would sharply reprove her for allowing him to take off her clothes but then let them spend the night together. I don't think any protective mother, as Artemis's mother seems to be, would allow that. After you establish your characters' personalities, you need to make sure their actions are in line with that, rather than making them do whatever so you can make the story go where you want.
You've already got a pretty decent handle on spelling, capitalization, and punctuation. The most concerning grammar issue I saw was that verb tenses kept switching between past and present. For example, at the end, Artemis "keeps on cooking" but "looked back at her mother." Pick either past or present tense and stick with it the whole way.
Focus on developing your characters and keeping their actions in line with what you've established for them, and your writing can definitely improve. :)
| Mark in orlando chapter 1 . 6/22/2012
Very nice story. Wally loves the spitfire side of artemis. That fierce couragous warrior she is in battle fighting beside him. But I think he loves her soft and sweet side, that only he gets to see when they are alone together even more. Because he is the only one who gets to see it .
| j9162 chapter 1 . 5/11/2012
This was great. Looking forward to the next chapter.
| lovegun1983 chapter 1 . 5/1/2012
keep it up update soon
| KayKay chapter 1 . 4/29/2012
| Irenerb chapter 1 . 4/28/2012
| Cool poop chapter 1 . 4/28/2012
Together only has one "a"