|Reviews for Transformers Nexus|
| Peter chapter 5 . 7/14/2012
Like the way that you are developing dialogue. Now you need to think about how to make the characters talk differently. They need to show that they have differences based on the language they use. The good guys need to seem good from the way they talk.
| Shelagh chapter 3 . 5/1/2012
same as before: location and characters are clear.
One thing writing classes always say is 'Show don't tell.' So it's good when you do this:
"So even the mighty Shockwave is enslaved to him now." The prisoner retorted with a slight chuckle. "What ever happened to the free world that Megatron for told of?"
The slight chuckle shows us that the prisoner isn't afraid, which means the prisoner has some kind of plan. But we don't know what it is.
You could do more with that kind of thing earlier on:
"Are you so sure that he'll cooperate with us?" Airachnid asked uneasily. What does Airachnid do that shows you/us that the character is uneasy? How do you show that?
Last thing: in the last line it's on course for Earth, not on coarse for Earth.
| Shelagh chapter 2 . 5/1/2012
Good start, and lots of work in it
Good points: the action is clear, and the locations. Also the characters are pretty good.
Opportunities: I think it would be better if you explained rather than using adverbs: why does Ironhide hesitate? You may know, and it may be in other Tranformer books/whatever, but we need to be reminded. Just a bit! It's an opportunity to make it richer.
Is this a film script or a book?
One convention in writing which makes it easier to read: Dialogue uses a comma:
"As you command," responded Soundwave.
"As you wish," replied Megatron hesitantly.