|Reviews for The Girl of Fire|
| Anne Fatalism Dilettante chapter 5 . 6/17/2012
So...uh. I'm not quite sure where to start, but here are a few points of constructive criticism which I'm sure would be of use to you. I tend to nitpick over many things, you see, especially when Tieria's concerned (since he happens to be one of my fave characters).
Firstly, you're pacing the story a little too fast. In just five chapters, Hanna has already gained the trust of most CB members - despite the fact that she happens to have allegiances with Innovators and the military. Mind you, she was more-or-less forcefully taken into the Ptolemaios by the pilots, so what good would a few words on Sumeragi and the rest? Still, I'm glad that at the very least Tieria and her had some distinctive clashes - it wouldn't be Tieria if he wasn't suspicious.
Secondly, on Hanna herself. I have no problems with having an OC as an Innovade (heck, my OC is one as well), but there has been too many details about her that have been crammed in five chapters. She happens to know this person, that person, gets to be with everyone so quickly, is under the command of Ribbons, happens to recognize Feldt's resemblance to a sister, and etc, etc. My advice is to split it up a little - and it would benefit not to give an OC TOO many talents as people quickly accuse the OC of being a mary-sue. It's okay to give female OCs a little talent - but not too many. Your OC has the talent of writing poems, drawing, can access super-duper classified information, and is basically a god in piloting one of the best mobile suits ever. This might be a little too pushing. My advice here is to REMOVE any talents that do NOT contribute to the storyline in order to make a more well-rounded character.
Thirdly, typos, grammar - those little errors disrupt the story-flow! Sure, I make those mistakes all the time, but they should be removed as much as possible. That includes on fixing the spelling of Ptolemaios - yes, I had to google that to get it right.
I'm sorry if this passes off as being harsh or overly-criticizing. The reason why I've typed so much is because I hope that it will help you in future stories to come. Initially, I had quite some problems with my OC-filled story too, and constructive criticisms actually helped me overcome them. I hope this can do the same too.
I suggest you get a beta-reader, or perhaps ask others on opinions on what can be done to improve this story.
Cheers, and keep on writing! (:
| April Marciano chapter 4 . 5/12/2012
Thanks for the update! That was pretty nice coming from a person who experienced writer's block. It didn't even look like you experienced writer's block. Looking forward to the new oc Sakura. Ribbons is a little ooc because he doesn't let anybody trample on his pride but it's your story so I'll just go with the flow. In the near future don't put too much ocs bacause it will cause an oc overload and you would have a hard time in putting them in character. The story is pretty good so far. Keep up the good work! Wih lots of love and fluffiness from April Marciano.
| April Marciano chapter 3 . 5/10/2012
interesting story you have here. please do continue writing this one :)))
| StormyMonday chapter 1 . 5/1/2012
So, I hesitate to read and review OC stories as a general rule. As I'm sure you know, some are quite good, and others tend to be mediocre at best. This first chapter seems interesting though. Your writing skills, especially in first person, are very good!
There's only one thing I want to point out - you said this is your first fanfic, but you clearly have another one listed in your profile. I would suggest you edit that out and re-upload this chapter. Also, you might consider some additonal labeling, such as AU and indicating the use of OCs. Otherwise, I think you're off to a good start. :)