|Reviews for The Legend of Dragoon: The Next Chapter|
| AyanaRin chapter 1 . 6/24/2012
Ok first of all im a big legend of dragoon fan
Second of all I loved this story
Though you could be lightly more descriptive like descibing how he stands like for example
I assumed me one armed stance I had become know for; with my right arm raised to my coller bone ,the blade hovering just above my shoulder with my left arm kept to me side.
Anyway please continue and I hope you'll read my LOD story once I finish it.
Ill be watching this.
| OSD Pern chapter 1 . 5/30/2012
A few repeated words are a bit distracting. Such as "I looked down towards the meadow, but instead of seeing the meadow, I was greeted by a colossal shadow". Meadow mentioned twice, along with rhyming endings seen here and a few previous places. Same issue here, "I frantically searched for my blade around me as the beast inched its way towards me." Me twice ect. Try reading your work out loud. It's a foolproof way to see what works and what doesn't :)
With dialogue, it's best to show who's speaking as soon as it's feasible. With this excerpt, "Amazing! Simply amazing! Ladies and gentlemen, Crimson Viepel has conquered his foe once more! Let's hear it for the greatest gladiator in all of Nissel!" I could hear the announcer say into his megaphone.
If you rearrange it a bit, it can sound a little better. ""Amazing! Simply amazing!" I heard the announcer say into his megaphone. "Crimson Viepel has conquered his foe once more! Let's hear it for the greatest gladiator in all of Nissel!" If you can see what I mean here.
Omitting and replacing words can make sentences flow smoother, for example, "creating an unimaginable pain." Deleting "an" would help in this instance. This is a minor issue, however.
The amount of detail and description is impressive, though perhaps a little excessive. Speaking through one's own eyes simplifies things, passing thoughts are fleeting and hard to capture to write. Some words are a bit too large and abnormal for first person.
Abrupt mentioning of plot is..abrupt. "The old man saw me as a son and was devastated when I said I was leaving to Endiness in a few days." Try incorporating this into an inner monologue instead of a solid fact. Go into detail, explain when the hero had first mentioned the travel to Endiness. It's a good opportunity to flesh out characters and give depth.
The ending of the chapter is great, loved it. Good way to end, very foreboding. The length is absolutely perfect. Not too much or too little.
Overall, it's a very good way to start a story. I enjoyed it thoroughly and will subscribe to it. I hope you will update soon! :)