|Reviews for Waterfall|
| imago-dm chapter 1 . 9/6/2014
A-ha! Found one SasoDei! Short but sweet ;)
| 1angel2heart chapter 1 . 1/14/2014
Loved this one, very cute but very sad on Sasori's part! You write nice lemons :)
| x-OrigamiAngel chapter 1 . 9/8/2012
So hot! And so beautifully written! Love always!
| Ye Olde James chapter 1 . 5/1/2012
Let's see, where do I begin...
My dear, Dana-Eliza. Do keep in mind that I am not bashing/flaming you, but simply trying to give the best constructive criticism that I can.
To start off, the spelling and grammar is rather poor. I understand that we all make mistakes, but that simple 'once over' with Spell Check is practically a must, unless you have flawless English. (Which, mind you, no one does.)
Secondly, a very important thing to /most/ readers is keeping in-character. Keep in mind that Sasori wouldn't ask for permission or avert his eyes, ect. Also, with these particular characters, that are meant to challenge each other, they would not just get it on and walk away without a smug grin, AT LEAST.
Another thing being that there is no real plot or originality in this one-shot. Of course, it is considered minor smut, so there doesn't /need/ to be a plot. However, it is important to include, perhaps, Ulterior motives on Sasori's part. Or to start off that they were taking a break from a mission and end with them heading off again. Even something as miniscule as that can be beneficial.
Also, (remember, I'm not bashing-) your word choice is rather...lame, to say the least. You're using simple vocabulary that doesn't challenge or hook the reader whatsoever. Even on Microsoft Word, go the extra mile and open up the thesaurus and use a synonym for something. Not only does it make you seem more intelligent, but it helps pull the story together and keep the reader's attention.
And lastly, perhaps even the most important, is being descriptive! You have to make sure that you get down to the finest details. For example, in a lot of stories, Deidara is shorter (for whatever reason). You didn't even cover their features/about them. You need to remember to not leave the reader with questions. That's crucial. Detailing is what makes a good story; It's what hooks you and makes you keep reading.
I hope my critique was helpful to you, and helps you become a better, stronger author. I bid you good day and hope to read more of your work (:, -James