|Reviews for Charcoal and Ash|
| KoalaNoob chapter 3 . 8/29/2015
Your own criticisms were correct- there's a bit too much explanation that could have been shown through actions. Part of the challenge in a drabble is to be able to get a message across without having to say it directly. It's also pretty long- drabbles are supposed to be 100 words exactly, but a lot of people think it's just a really short story, even by those standards, you've written a lot. It's also quite a bit weaker than the other two just because the atmosphere is done poorly and there isn't the same kind of surreal-ness in "oh my god im going to die".
[flash of green in your eyes]
This assumes that all the districts have enough green to make it the forefront of what's seen, which is clearly not the case. Even in district twelve, which is on the outskirts, there's not a whole lot of greenery. The only tree Peeta has to see is an apple, and he lives in the better side of town.
[Quit daydreaming and get over hear," a rough voice calls.]
I can see why you're trying to make it seem oppressed and like nobody cares, but this doesn't make a lot of sense. A lot of the shown mentors and survivors (minus the careers, maybe) are alcoholics, morphine addicts, or insane. The others generally fear the games and feel bad for their tributes. I can't imagine a mentor treating a tribute that way.
[never seen her smile, not once; she's constantly walking around with anger in her eyes]
I can definitely see this, though. She resents her life and having to go through the games. It's great how she's not nice at all, but readers can still sympathize and there's a good reason for her to act the way she does.
[but it was based purely on luck]
This is being a bit unfair. You've gone out of your way to antagonize her, for no real reason. It's never shown that she does anything that makes her a bad person, but a lot of unnecessary blame and hate is being put on her.
Using numbers and statistics like these doesn't read well in stories. Using words as a descriptor just looks better, and there's nothing worse than random perfectly accurate measurements. (I understand this is kind of comic relief-ish and an inaccurate way to say "most of the time", but words are better and humor doesn't have a role to play here anyways.)
[you need to start accepting the fact that you're going to die]
It feels inaccurate to personality that Foxface would accept it at all, and most people can't get a grip that quickly when they're told they'll die.]
| KoalaNoob chapter 2 . 8/29/2015
The atmosphere of this chapter seems to rely on the one set previously, which becomes a problem if the reader stops and comes back later. In the beginning, Foxface is a bit too angry and sarcastic, which takes away from the terror. It takes a bit too long for this chapter to set its own mood. The chapter is really well done and everything I complimented previously carries over, but it also feels a bit more bland.
[you can't cleanse your nose on the smell of death]
I love how she's so panicked and terrified she's beginning to hallucinate the things that she expects, even if there's no way it would really be there. You've made Foxface very relatable and easy to feel sorry for without making her a weak character.
[wooden window sill]
Did you mean "windowsill"?
[you touch in this lifetime.)
Periods go outside the parentheses unless the entire sentence is encased. It wasn't a good idea to write this bit and give the knowledge that Foxface will die. Yes, most of us already know this, and yes, she probably will die, but it's less suspenseful. It entirely possible to have a focus on "oh no I'm going to die" while having a hope at continuing to live.
| KoalaNoob chapter 1 . 8/28/2015
This was really good! The atmosphere works well throughout and there's a lot of character progression for such a short piece. Your choice of words is precise and generally sends a clear message or picture, which blends in well with your balanced prose. I really like the character portrayed here- but it's not Foxface. In the games, she seems confident and it's hard to believe that she could progress so far so quickly.
Just a note, drabbles are a writing practice (for using words well and with multiple meanings, and for word count precision). They're supposed to be exactly 100 words long.
[blue and green teeth]
Blue should be capitalized.
[oh god oh god where did the sun go why is the sun gone]
The lack of commas and rushed word choice here really sets the mood. However, the second works better because it's less forced. "Oh god" adds nothing other than panic, while "where did the sun go" describes both the setting and how Foxface is feeling.
[scrap of paper whose ink]
"Whose" should be "who's", question versus possessive. Also, 'scrap of paper' doesn't specify that there's ink or writing on it, so having "ink" after does flow too well.
[who's going to watch after daddy]
Again, capitalization for the first word in a sentence even if it's in parentheses. I really, really like this line though. A problem in the book was that Foxface was never humanized. The descriptions used for her were always common descriptors for animals. This shows her to be responsible, but still a child- she calls her father "daddy", but knows she has to watch over him.
[joke with mama and make her smile and.]
Ending off the sentence right there was a great choice. It feels like Foxface is getting more and more scared, and she can't even think straight any more.
| 567zoock67 chapter 3 . 9/28/2013
This one was quite good, despite what you think. I thought the 'explaining' as you put it was artfully worded into detailed descriptions, and made it seem like a story, not like an information report or anything. The descriptions of her mentors are really interesting, and I like the ending paragraph and the last line - it's so true. The one thing that I think could be improved is this chapter's link to the colour yellow, because I didn't spot a link or reference throughout the one-shot.
| 567zoock67 chapter 2 . 9/28/2013
Awe, really sad but the scene is beautifully painted. I imagine Foxface flicking her mother's orange hair away as a sign of rejecting her mother because she knows she's going to die, and her mother can't help her.
| 567zoock67 chapter 1 . 9/28/2013
Nice story, there's a certain after image that stays in your mind moments after reading. An interesting portrayal of Foxface's homelife you've got there :D
| sunburnesd chapter 3 . 11/20/2012
I think this is one of my favorite hunger games pieces, its brilliant update soon!
| stray.alchemist chapter 3 . 9/19/2012
There won't be any tearing apart in this review, I'm afraid. I've enjoyed the narration too much, and you've managed to sketch Foxface's personality just enough to give her some depth. And even though those were only three rather short passages, I had the impression of constant rush and so many things happening at once; too many for Foxface to comprehend (let's face it, too many for anyone facing their own participation in the Hunger Games). In other words, you managed to depict the horror of the Games in such an elegant, unpretentious, moving form.
| MessengerOfDreams chapter 3 . 6/26/2012
The narration is captivating; the type that can engage you talking about ordering pizza. I'm intrigued, keep it up.
| Luna Rapunzel chapter 3 . 5/31/2012
I DON'T THINK I'VE MENTIONED YET BUT I LOVE EVERYTHING ABOUT YOU USING SECOND-PERSON TO NARRATE THIS I get what you mean about explaining/writing but considering that you had to introduce like three characters in this one and fill in the details, that's understandable, although you're right, it wasn't as /pretty/ as the first two. Couple more typos - should be "wretched," not "retched," and "your better off alone anyway" that should be you're. But the explaining was still really well-written, and you managed to work in a few gems just in terms of the meaning you're conveying - how unhelpful Surgel is going to be, the last bit about how she thinks/knows she's screwed but she's going to put up a fight anyway free thinking survival yes everything about that. I do have a couple criticisms, though, in that Bennigan is drunk all the time like Haymitch because it makes sense that a lot of winners would probably wind up alcoholics because coping but idk, you could have done something more original. And her attitude about not wanting to be friends with the other tribute from her district matches Katniss's initial attitude towards Peeta; while it's logical that that might be her reaction, would have been good to see something different. BUT YOUR WRITING IS STILL VERY WELL WORDED CONSIDERING AND I LOVE YOU.
| Luna Rapunzel chapter 2 . 5/30/2012
LEGIT GOT CHILLS AT THE LAST LINE so basically everything about the first sentence: "thoughtfully (carelessly)" YES GOOD also contrast between physical smell of daisies and her psychosomatic smell of death except it should be "inhabits," not "inhabitants," one typo there at the end. Then the bit about the words flying past the daisies out the window, another typo should be "breaths" not "breathes" and again, your writing style in these drabbles is perfect and appropriate and yes, where it's poetic but also a bit of a tangled train-of-thought jumble because that's capturing exactly how I imagine she'd feel going through all of this and I loveeeeee you!
| Luna Rapunzel chapter 1 . 5/30/2012
So basically OH MY GOD EVERYTHING ABOUT THIS. The blue and green teeth, then the way your writing style devolves into Foxface's deer-in-the-headlights train of thought, the simile about the puzzle/ink, the mist thing, and that last thought of hers about who's going to take care of her family really really speaks to how relatable all of the tributes are, really-whether it's Katniss or Foxface surviving by stealth or the Careers or what, they're all just scared kids who are worried about their families and their lives, and that really comes through and you really humanized her and made her a person instead of just a contender like how Katniss viewed her and yes yes good WENDY.
| The Death Frisbee chapter 1 . 5/27/2012
Time for another review! I don't know the Hunger Games fandom either, so bear with. I liked the oddity of the main character, and really liked the spots of stream-of-consciousness; it worked well to convey the weirdness without becoming anvilicious.
"Subhuman" should be a single word.
I liked the doomed sense to this piece and the fact that you don't pull the punch at the last minute and have the girl miraculously saved. I'm guessing that has something to do with the fact that she is the "tribute" (sacrifice?) but again, just a fandom-blind guess.
You handled the second-person well; it didn't feel forced or overly finger-pointing or style merely for style's sake, and all of those are generally traps with this style of narration.
| CrepuscularSnidget chapter 3 . 5/21/2012
It was gorgeous :)
I kinda hate to say this, but you're right, the last one was a little too much description. Maybe don't tell all the information you have about the mentors all at once-pull it apart and let Foxface tell us about it later.
But it was really phenomenal and I loved the stream of conscious style. Really well done :)
| Ky-lassassin chapter 1 . 5/17/2012
i really, really like this and the way you use stream of consciousness to convey a sense of panic; i particularly like the ending of the first paragraph. the only one i wasn't sure about was "(blue and green teeth really what passes for fashion in the capitol now days.)" because it was sort of...i don't know. it felt flat to me? maybe it's the period, but i just sort of felt like you didn't need to do that one in stream of consciousness; you could even write something foxface imagining her mother saying it or something instead.
[(who's going to watch after daddy and make sure he's eating right and who's going to joke with mama and make her smile and.)]
this is really nice, though.