Reviews for The New War
ChristasiaJ chapter 19 . 12/14/2013
This story is amazing, but yet depressing keep up the good work
CenterForInsanity chapter 1 . 10/24/2013
Okay, this is definitely an interesting idea, and I applaud you for keeping with this story. Seventeen chapters thus far! That's pretty impressive. I'll just give you a few pointers really quick.
First of all, I don't know if it's the program you're using, but you don't need to but a space before every punctuation mark. It makes the sentences seem much more stretched out and makes it a little more difficult to read. Second of all, I would suggest doing some grammar work on this piece. I'm not saying this to be rude, I'm just saying it because it's sometimes very difficult to read through your story simply because the grammar is hard to get past.
For example: "We cover you professor , we going buy you some time . "
This sentence is just an example of both points made above. On just a surface edit, this should be changed to:
"We'll cover you, Professor. We're going to buy you some time."
If you have trouble with your grammar, maybe consider having a few different betas who are very strong in their grammar usage help you. You seem very intent on making this the best story that it can be by reaching out to several other authors for help. This is good. It means that you're willing to take advice and use it to grow as an author. Keep working at it.
Legendaryicon chapter 1 . 10/22/2013
Interesting start in this. I love Killzone and Gears so yes this will take some time to fully read.
Keep going there's lots of potential.
writtenrhythm chapter 1 . 9/27/2013
Hey there! I got your message about maybe reviewing your new story. I had to wait a bit until I had some free time, but here it goes. I’m going to be completely honest, just because I think being anything else is unfair.

First off, wow! Sixteen chapters! That tells me that you’re really dedicated, and have a lot of interest in this story. That’s always a great thing to see in a writer. It also tells me that you’re willing to put in the time and effort to improve.

Now, don’t take this the wrong way, but is English your first language? If not, no worries! I have noticed a lot of grammar issues that are really persistent. If you’re not getting the amount of readership you’ve been wanting, this may be the reason why. Many readers are turned off by a story if there is a large amount of grammar errors right off the bat. Believe me, when I first started writing my grammar/spelling was horrible! Luckily, this is an easy thing to improve. Here are some things I’ve been noticing:

First off, the formatting is off. I don’t know if this is because of the program you’ve been using or what. For instance, there’s usually a space between the last word and punctuation such as “this .” That’s improper grammar, as is “ this “ having a space between the quotation marks and dialogue. This is a persistent problem, but one that’s easily fixable by:

a.) if you’re putting the extra spaces between words and punctuations, STOP! :)

b.) if you’re using a program that is doing this automatically maybe switch programs? Microsoft Word is a great
program.

Another grammar error I’ve noticed is that you have an issue staying within one tense. Occasionally it’s okay to flip tenses, but usually not in the same paragraph and definitely not within the same sentence. There are a few rule breakers to this, but until one learns the grammar rules you’re not allowed to break them. :) That’s how I learned all of my grammar. Here’s an example:

“ Keep fire delta ! “ yelled Marcus Fenix firing his lancer as the rest of Delta unleashing metal killers at Myrrahs Tempest as they were protecting the Anti-lambent generator .

1.)‘fire’ by itself is not a verb; it has to be changed with a tense. For instance, ‘Fired’ is past tense, ‘Firing’ is present tense. In this instance, ‘Firing’ would be appropriate.

2.)‘yelled Marcus Fenix’ suggests this is past tense; he’s already said it. Therefore, you have to STAY in past tense. “As the rest of Delta unleashing” is present tense. This can cause confusion for the readers and isn’t grammatically correct.

3.)Again with the extra spacing between words and punctuation. Easy fix!

4.)This is also a bit of a run on. Try not to have more than one or two actions per sentence. ‘Yelled’ ‘firing’ unleashing’ and ‘protecting’ are all pretty big actions. When all of this action is jumbled together, things can get a little confusing. Another rule of thumb to avoid run on sentences is to read aloud. If you can’t read a sentence in one breath, chances are it’s too long.

There are also a few word switch-ups that are obnoxious to read through. “That” instead of “thought” for example, or places with extra words/left out words. This is another thing that’s easily fixed by a thorough read-through before posting the chapter.

I’m not familiar with Killzone, so I haven’t read much of this story yet. I read the first and second chapters, and then jumped to the sixteenth. The above problems I mentioned are still prevalent. However, the descriptions are much more vivid near the latest chapter, which is great! Once the initial grammar is cleaned up, the descriptions and actual writing can come through much more clearly. It will also be much more enjoyable to read, and you will get more readers/reviews!

The best advice I can give is to get a really, really great beta-reader. If you’d like, I can go through and analyze a few chapters, but someone who really knows both stories might be better as a permanent option. (I obviously know the Gears universe, but as I said I’m unfamiliar with Killzone.) That way, they can also help with characterization and universal issues. They should also be able to help you with grammar issues and syntax. It might take a few tries (I went through a few beta-readers) but they really are useful. Maybe start by posting a message at the bottom of your next chapter asking for somebody who would be willing to help you. Another resource is the beta search on this site. You can narrow down your search by both universes. Another thing you can try (if you have a deviantart account on deviantart . com) is to post a note to the Beta-Reader’s group there and they will pair you up with somebody based on your answers to the questions. If you’re interested, I can send you the link.

You have a great start, and I’d love to see you put out some more writing! It just needs a little cleaning up first! As I said, I can go over one or two chapters in detail if you’d like. Shoot me a reply and let me know!
Guest chapter 15 . 9/7/2013
Can you do a Sonic x and Killzone crossover
The Real F'n Scorp chapter 1 . 8/28/2013
I'm a bit blind on the Killzone angle having never played the game in the past nor reading any fan fiction that gives me even a basic understanding of the fandom, but I don't feel that that makes it impossible for me to understand and follow this story. I absolutely love the AU concept here. Gears of War 3 seriously annoyed me from a writer's standpoint because of how they dumped us right into the middle of the crap without covering anything (IMHO) that happened between the sinking of Jacinto until the start of GOW 3. And so much happens that they should have found a way to have incorporated it somehow and smoothed that part of the story out. I love that you put the 'what if' Marcus and Adam Fenix didn't find a way to stop the Lambent and the Locust. Character wise, you kept the main characters all true to form I feel and didn't AU them, which can be very easy to do (I AU-ed Baird, but considering how little we know about him, it's not an impossible to believe AU). You kept the characters true to the canon even while developing your AU timeline. Very nice job.

Some lines that I really liked:

((Clouds clustered together creating thunderstorms and sparking lighting))-Really powerful play of imagery going on here. Adds a very sinister and dark feel to the situation that is going on, gives war a punctuated note of being like electricity.

((a strange looking airship with multiple wings with strange looking cannon in the bottom appeared over the cloudy skies))-love this appearance of the 'new' threat and how you have the COG and Locust forces so engrossed with each other that they miss out on what is coming to essentially destroy them both.

((Myrrah suddenly looked horrified at the new threat from her war bettle))- really like that you play up the fact that this new 'threat' attacking Sera is serious enough to even concern and horrify the Queen of the Locust. It makes the plausibility of this threat, the sudden rise of it, all the more believable and powerful. Very nice. Just a minor note though- bettle is beetle.

Some critiques:

*Punctuation issues: there are a few issues with punctuation that a fast edit would easily fix. Here's a few to show you what I mean exactly:

((" Keep fire delta ! " yelled Marcus Fenix firing his lancer as the rest of Delta unleashing metal killers at Myrrahs Tempest as they were protecting the Anti-lambent generator .))- the line would be stronger, if it looked like this:

"Keep fire Delta!" Marcus Fenix yelled, firing his lancer as the rest of Delta unleashed metal killers at Myrrahs Tempest while they were protecting the Anti-Lambent generator.

((" Eat this you bitch " he cursed as he aimed the hammer of dawn at the bug like beast while his team mates are busy fighting off the queen guard , the lambent and the war bettle . " This is for Dom. "))-again, the line would be stronger if it was like this:

"Eat this, you bitch!" he cursed as he aimed the Hammer of Dawn at the big-like beast while his teammates were fighting the Queen's Guard, the Lambent and the War Beetle. "This is for Dom."

((" Sir , I am picking up an unknown signal from sector 111 . " yelled an tech officer to a general in the communication centre . The ISA general frown and stared at the screen

" You " he ordered an officer " Alert command ! "))-As above, this section would be a lot stronger if it was like this:

("Sir, I am picking up an unknown signal from Sector 111," yelled a tech officer to a General in the communication center. The ISA General frowned as he stared at the screen.

"You!" he barked at an officer. "Alert command!")- All of these are just my suggestions though and completely up to you, but buttoning up punctuation just makes a story smoother and keeps a reader from becoming distracted from unimportant details.

*Spelling: there are a few spelling issues throughout the story that a quick spellcheck would easily catch for you. Again, these are just my personal suggestions :)

In all, as I said, I really have loved the story concept so far. A big faucet that I like is this idea that the Locust/COG are going to have to unite somehow to defeat this new threat. That totally takes the Gears of War concept into a new direction, while also keeping it within the scope of the canon as well when you take that the Pendulum Wars bred a lot of problems and distinctions between COG and the UIR but at the end, the UIR banned together with the COG in order to fight the Lambent and protect what little of their people managed to survive. Very interesting concept, a really nice opening chapter and I cannot wait to see what happens next! Good job!
ILone WolfI chapter 14 . 8/9/2013
Narville saves the day!
ILone WolfI chapter 13 . 7/26/2013
Double Time, MARCH

Ah put me up
(Ah put me up)

Don't let me down
(Don't let me down)

Ah pump it up
(Ah pump it up)

All around
(All around)

2-
(2- )

96
(96)

2-
(2- )

96
(96)

Ah 1,2,3,4
(Marine Corps)

Ah 1,2,3,4
(Marine Corps)

Ah Army, Navy was ah not for me
(Marine Corps)

Air Force was just ah to easy
(Marine Corps)

What I need was a little bit more
(Marine Corps)

I need a life that is harcore
(Marine Corps)

Parris Island where it all began
(Marine Corps)

A little rock with a lots of sand
(Marine Corps)

I Can't forget about a Hollywood
(Marine Corps)

San Diego and its all good
(Marine Corps)

PT, Drill ah all day long
(Marine Corps)

Keep it rolling from a dusk to dawn
(Marine Corps)

Ah 1,2,3,4
(Marine Corps)

Tell me now what you waiting for
(Marine Corps)

Ah 1,2,3,4
(Marine Corps)

Come on now I'm gonna sing ya' some more
(Marine Corps)

First phase ya' broke me down
(Marine Corps)

Second phase started to come around
(Marine Corps)

Third phase I was lean and mean
(Marine Corps)

Graduation standing tall in my green
(Marine Corps)

To anybody who asks me why
(Marine Corps)

Here's the deal, ah here's my reply
(Marine Corps)

I'll be a MARINE till the day that I die
(Marine Corps)

Ah motivated and ah SEMPER FI
(Marine Corps)

1,2,3,4
(Marine Corps)

Tell me now what you waiting for
(Marine Corps)

1,2,3,4
(Marine Corps)

Listen up I'm gonna sing ya some more
(Marine Corps)

Tun Tavern to the Bella Woods
(Marine Corps)

Making history so its understood
(Marine Corps)

Iwo Jima to a Guadalcanal
(Marine Corps)

Kicking butt just a everywhere
(Marine Corps)

Frozen Chosen to Ho Chi Minh
(Marine Corps)

I think its time that we do it again
(Marine Corps)

Beirut, Lebanon I think it's time that we get it done
(Marine Corps)

1,2,3,4
(Marine Corps)

Tell me now what you waiting for
(Marine Corps)

The Marines in here are bad asses
ILone WolfI chapter 12 . 7/26/2013
This is a great chapter. I love Sev!
I am glad there is the next chapter updated (i didn't get to read this chapter before). *clicks (post review) then shift mouse to the (next) button and click *
jason429 chapter 13 . 7/9/2013
AWESOME
Lord Revan Flame chapter 11 . 6/26/2013
I approvez of zis chapter
ILone WolfI chapter 11 . 6/25/2013
So..much ...epic...action! I can't wait for next chapter.
ILone WolfI chapter 10 . 6/15/2013
RIP DOM :_( Great Chapter.
jason429 chapter 10 . 6/13/2013
You did what no Gears fanfiction writer has ever done...you gave Dom a memorial service . Thank you. Keep up the good work .
jason429 chapter 9 . 6/9/2013
one word . AWESOME .
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