|Reviews for Lying heart|
| MekkaBabble chapter 1 . 5/20/2012
I want to start by saying you've got a very unique writing style- I like that you first use Sister Mexico and Australia as characters because they very rarely show up in any SatW story (which there are so few of anyways). You provide us with some good imagery that leaves a lot for us readers to think about and a lot for you as an author to develop.
Though there is so much more you could do with this piece that you don't touch on and I kinda feel like you cheated yourself out of writing something with a lot of potential for excellence. To start, the characterization can stand to be tightened up. Why does Sister Mexico fall for Australia- is it his hot accent, long and flowing locks or is America just a jerk? I also really, really want to know what America said that upset her so much. You touch on his boorishness that can stand to be elaborated on. One thing you could've done is have it be some insensitive commentary on Mexican-American relations (don't forget that these guys are just as much people as they are countries).
The beginning of your scenes are also quite good but again, need to be elaborated on. You do a great job of upping the ante as the story progresses, but a little more continuity would really make it shine. Same as I wish I had known it was Australia she fell for at the start so I could picture the scenes more vividly.
Another thing I couldn't entirely wrap my mind around was the ballroom scene. I dig the characters want to have a fancy party but there are plenty of settings that can serve just as well (if not much better) for characters/countries that don't have royal families. Also, why is America hiding in a closet with Sister Australia? Obviously, America wants to spy on Sister Mexico, but why is Sister Australia involved? In a story about cheating, having a man and in a woman in closet together strongly suggests "something else," but I really hope that's not the case because Sister Australia is also America's sister.
Your ending too is a little too vague for my tastes but I'll say it's got a lot of punch and leaves us readers on a bittersweet note, which is what I think you're going for.
Thanks very much for writing this. We definitely need more SatW writers and I look forward to seeing what you come up with next!
| princessharmony23 chapter 1 . 5/15/2012
Hey J.V. it's J.J. codename: King. So yeah this was really good. I like the whole mysterious feel around it.
| Archenic chapter 1 . 5/13/2012