|Reviews for Journey of the Lone Marine|
| UNSC Inferno chapter 6 . 4/22/2013
very well done!
| Guest chapter 6 . 4/11/2013
this ... is ... GOOD!
| Lay Down Hunter chapter 6 . 1/29/2013
That was pretty short and pointless, especailly since it took such a long time to get it up
| Lay Down Hunter chapter 5 . 9/18/2012
Woo! Your back!
| izwan chapter 5 . 9/13/2012
it's really being long time coming.
I thought your fic already dead.
Hope to see the updates very soon.
| Meteorthunder3 chapter 5 . 9/13/2012
Ne ne, I like your story and all but I would suggest getting rid of your other "Important update" chapter since I've seen a couple of stories getting deleted for having consecutive Authors Notes one after another.
Besides you already have this AN so you might as well get rid of the last one. Just thought I'd warn you just in case someone else decided to do something... anyways I can't wait for your next update :D
| Xeno Tyrant chapter 4 . 8/10/2012
really wish you would make more
| radred chapter 1 . 7/27/2012
okay, so you said you wanted constructive criticism... well here goes:
overall it's pretty good, but you seem to be taking short cuts by just listing unit names.
the stalker works fine, maybe you could say small mech so it doesn't give the impression of a thor sized construct to a non SC follower
Banshees and viking could be changed to something more descriptive, maybe change it to something like "a group of light flyers could be heard overhead, their engines screaming as they unleashed a volley of missiles at the enemy stalkers. The commander was thankful for the strafing runs of the banshees. Without them his troops would have been..."
obviously that's not perfect but it's good to have something that describes the flyer to the reader rather than just naming it.
The same kind of deal for Thor and Warp prism
Just stating that a thor is there means that you miss a lot of the potential for impact. Describe its colossal size, its tremendous firepower, its earthshaking stride. This not only allows for someone who is not familiar with SC lore to understand your writing but, more importantly, it also gives a true sense of the epic scale of the battle.
Same with the warp prism, the potential for enriching descriptions is there. especially when you consider its alien appearance and bizarre weaponry.
by the time we get to medivacs it starts to sound as if you are just listing things. add some more personality to your commander (i assume he's your main character).
"He was thankful for the arrival of the medivacs. Not only did the flying field hospitals bring reinforcements but there was many a marine who was on the front line rather than filling a body bag due to the quick medical care dispensed by the medics inside."
not exactly like that, but think about using his thought to describe things and their impact on the battle (and their overall role in the grand scheme of things)
same thing with the zealots... they have outlandish blue energy blades, they are clad in golden armour, they spout fanatical dogma in an alien language as they slice the marines to sheds.
same again with the zerglings and hydralisks. vicious, covered in talons, massed numbers, gribbly little aliens (zerglings), dual jaws that jettison acid covered spines(hydralisks)
play up the horror and... gribblyness of the zerg.
wow, this battle has battleships as well, why is this the first time i've been told that intergalactic warships have been forced into low orbit to lend their fire support in the battle... :P
He heard the clanking of a marauder's footsteps, and he looked to his right to see a group of marauders run past him, firing their missiles at the Zerg offenders.
the repetition of marauder feels clunky, try using a descriptive term the second time
"he looked to his right to see a group of the oversized battle suits careen past him" (or some such)
The Thor fired a salvo of missiles that struck the length of the hull of the Warp Prism.
even a slight rewording "the length of the warp prism's hull" helps here
The commander's eyes saw something out of the corner of his eye,
repetition of eye feels very out of place
this paragraph also starts three consecutive sentences with "He ducked" "He aimed" "He rushed"
try to avoid the repetition of He.
Same with "He turned and fired at a hydralisk" "He suddenly felt a sharp burning sensation" "He grabbed" "He whirled"
Overall i like it, and am being really nit-picky, but i assume that's what you wanted
I especially like some of you descriptive language such as:
"His eyes burned as dust and smoke was blown into his face from the symphony of chaos and explosions." (i really like this, just change from to by)
"after several minutes, the night became dark once again" (brilliant)
i really want to read more of these descriptions. you can write great descriptions, I just want more of them.
anyway, there's my (slightly more than) two bobs worth.
like i said earlier, i'm being quite pedantic about a lot of this so i hope you don't mind the wall of text.
| LongyW chapter 4 . 7/26/2012
It's a pretty wierd and cool starting story. keep em coming thanks.
| Anonymous chapter 3 . 6/8/2012
And now he got a MULE too. A party of three?
Anyway, its not a problem that you upload as you write. I would be doing much of the same, if I would write anything.
| wolfiuz1 chapter 2 . 5/28/2012
I'm going for Worgen marines.
| Anonymous chapter 2 . 5/21/2012
I like the fact that you added that ending to chapter 1.
Chapter 2 is quite short, but it is good. A nice cliffhanger.
Well, keep up the good work. I want to see where this is going!
| Anonymous chapter 1 . 5/14/2012
Hm. This is a good start. But it somehow looks unfinished, like you forgot half the text while uploading...