|Reviews for I Believe You|
| Veni0Vidi0Vici chapter 1 . 5/24/2012
Sorry to get to this review so late. Last minute rushes to get grades up and finals. Zomg finals. ;_; Once more, I'm sorry.
First off I never liked this book. Read it for repeat English (should really start doing English essays/projects) and found it terrible.
Let's get a move on in this review:
[I never would have thought that the last words I would ever hear him say was "I believe you."] Since "words" is plural you'd need to have "were" instead of "was."
[The day Finny died, I felt a part of me die along with him.] No comma needed.
[When Dr. Stanpole saw me in the hallway and told me what had happened to Finny, I felt cold.] Should be comma-less as well. I think that you could change the "I felt cold" into something a little more dramatic. Perhaps "I felt a chill on my skin and my heart turned to ice" (don't use what I gave you; it's terrible) but something like it. Use something that's interesting, dramatic and does justice to what our little narrator is feeling.
[My whole world shattered before me, and I fell into an endless pit of darkness.] This is kinda dramatic. Not really what I'd go for, but it's certainly interesting imagery.
[And in my mind, Finny is still alive.] Another useless comma, though I think you're improving on your over-usage of them.
[I see splotches all the time and my eyes water whenever I think of him, but the thing is, I can never cry.] Perhaps it's the way it's word, but this sentence is confusing. I suggest rewriting it.
[The last time I saw him; he gave me a sad smile and had tears swelling in his now-dull blue eyes.] A semicolon is used to conjoin to related phrases not... whatever you're doing there. Take it out please. Hyphen isn't needed either.
[He was like me, I couldn't cry or maybe he just wouldn't, but then again, Finny was always stronger than me.] This sentence makes exactly no grammatical sense. Maybe try something like "He was like me; I couldn't cry... Or maybe he just wouldn't cry. He was always stronger than me."
[The day Finny died a part of me died along with him and I don't think I've ever been the same since.] This line is really corny and cliche.
Overall I can't really tell if this one-shot was about really good friends or if you had a little Gene have a little crush on Finny. I'm actually really curious about that. I can see Gene having a bit of a crush on Finny actually. Wonder if that's what you intended or if I'm just putting too much romance into it.
Overall... well your best work so far. Few grammar and some other problems, but please keep up the good work! You can only improve. Great job.
Veni of LawlClan Critic Group