|Reviews for Captured in the Dark|
| Guest chapter 1 . 9/3/2013
When is the Bounty Hunter story coming back?
| Guest chapter 3 . 6/8/2013
when you said ' before he shattered it ' i thought you meant scums head !
| Serasia chapter 1 . 3/15/2013
I like the looks of this so far, especially since the description said that the mouse slave will get to Redwall sometime. That's always nice.
And I must say, your decision to have a somewhat more morally-correct vermin character is a refreshing change! I like when books have so-called "evil" characters who aren't all bad, or even all good. A mix of characteristics and personality traits is a good thing.
I can't wait to read more. :) Keep at it!
| Jade TeaLeaf chapter 6 . 2/24/2013
Hmmm... I think that I'll review Taft's overall character over the past two chapters. For one thing, you do a good job of having him frightened and distrustful. Makes sense, considering how he was brought up. However, there was one point where he fell out of that character. That was in Chapter 6 where he let his newfound freedom get to his head and he disobeyed an order from a stranger. For one who has always taken orders his entire life, he was quick to ignore her (even if he wanted to see Skipper). If you really wanted to show the emotional scars of his slavery, I think that you should've made him fearfully obey every one of the healers' commands even if he felt that it would end in pain. Just my thoughts.
And Slick has a mate? There was no mention of her before but late is better than never. I'm interested in seeing what she's like and based on Taft's description, it sounds as though she's trying to out-do Slick in terms of cruelty. Just make sure that you don't over-do this cruelty business because then it's nothing short of a miracle that Taft made it to the age of ten.
And another thing... In the last chapter you had Skipper Rogth read the note. It was signed "Copper" at the bottom. Now if there was a chance that the vermin would find this note (and from the previous chapter, that was a very high chance), why would the fox write his name? Imagine what would happen if the vermin captured Taft and waved the note in front of Doxtriz's face? Well it's game over for good old Cop. If he's interested in keeping his head on his shoulders, he wouldn't put his name on there and rely on Taft to explain his identity to the woodlanders. It's important to think in the characters' mindsets and seeing as how Copper is pretty smart, I doubt he'd make evidence against himself.
Well that's all I have to say, really. It might sound harsh, but I'm just giving (and explaining) where improvement could be made. You're doing a great job at setting the story and characters by the way (especially adorable Taft). :) I hope that you'll continue this story!
| Kelaiah chapter 22 . 2/22/2013
Okay, here we go! :D :D :D Finally read and am now reviewing your new wonderful chapter! Heeheehee!
Wow, things sure took a turn this time around! At first, I was convinced that it would be Copper, Sharp, Skip and Taft all going on an adventure alone, but now you've had Copper sweep the rug right out from under my feet! Awesome! :D :D :D Hm, I wonder just what his royal foxiness' intentions are, hmm?
Heh heh, as if Rogth needed any more reason to hate Copper - and now he's a captive to the horde! AUGH! But wait... will this mean Skip will find Kirtan? Will Kirtan and Token be reunited? UGH, I hope Taft keeps well away from Slickcast (I HATE HIM! BOIL HIM IN FROGSPAWN!). Argh, there's just so much going on that I WANT THE NEXT CHAPTER RIGHT NOW!
Ahem, yeah, but I can't get the next chapter until you're good and ready to type it all out and post it, so yeah. :)
Heh heh, I thought Taft and Token's scene was really cute, what with Token revealing what a klutz he is (heh heh, funny), and then the two deciding to go and save Rogth! Though I still don't know how this is all part of Copper's plan - this fox is really playing with fire. I can't help but foresee him getting a knife thrown into his midriff just as the story climaxes. But then again, that could probably not be part of *your* plan at all. You could have a very different ending in mind. :D :D :D
As for the part where Rogth completely loses it and starts going on a rant about all the different ways he'll kill Copper and Sharpfur... hilarious. Classic. XD Haha, ahh, poor Rogth. He certainly does have anger issues, though really, not much different from how otters and heroes are portrayed in the original series, now, is he? ;) XD Hahaha, yeah...
But ooh, wonderful chapter, wonderful update, I hope you get to update soon, and KILL BLACKIVY! (Heh heh, just wanted to throw that in there someplace, heh heh heh.)
Take care, and God bless. :)
| Cairn Destop chapter 22 . 2/20/2013
It has been a long time between chapters. Than again, I've been offline for too long too. I'm trying to get current with all my stories. So here I am. As I've said before, never feel pressured to meet a schedule. Post your best and others will accept the longer wait between postings.
At first, I was thinking the appearance of the squirrel a logic error. Why leave him bound in the middle of nowher and so close to Taft? You cleared that up with the reference to a nest. Token must be a bit of a clutz, or is a bit inexperienced at proper nest building. Made it a bit comical.
A bit of head jumping in the last segment as it opens in the assassine's POV and then switches to the fox, Cooper. It seems he has anticipated this meeting. It does seem strange that he overlooks the two youngsters in his plan. I'm thinking he expects Taft to return to the Abbey. Bet he's in for a big disappointment.
Some things noted while reading.
1 - Dawn brushed ... brightness. - now this was an excellent opening for descriptive power.
2 - The mouse stretched slightly - this puts the story into a telling mode and from the POV of an observer. If you changed "The mouse" to either "Taft" or "He," it becomes a showing mode and puts it in the POV of the main character.
3 - his ferret assassin where missing - typo, should be "were"
4 - you doing here?!" - again, beware of those exclamation points. Eliminate when in doubt and limit them to one or two per chapter. Otherwise, they become fancy periods.
5 - wasn't enough to combat with. - best not to end a sentence with a preposition. Also, the last three words can be dropped without changing the meaning of the sentence.
6 - sigh ad rolled - typo, should be "and"
7 - the next phase would to the plan would begin - edit oversight, I do believe the first "would" was to be eliminated
8 - have my rath to worry - typo, should be "wrath"
9 - He had been curtain that the fox - typo, should be "certain"
10 - The otter cheif of - typo, should be "chief"
My next story comes out in March and has my version of Taft in it.
| Jade TeaLeaf chapter 4 . 2/19/2013
Hm... good story development and yet another likeable character- Skipper Rogth (though how do you pronounce his name?). Also, why was he out there all alone? Anyways he's apparently a very kind and compassionate creature and I look forward to seeing more of him.
But again, more points that I must mention:
1) Why did the vermin think that he was going to tip off Redwall? Wouldn't their first inclination that he was merely making a run for it? By rights, he wouldn't know anything about the horde's plans, so how was he supposed to know to contact Redwall, much less know where it was?
2) So he was running from slavers, he ran into Skipper, and then suddenly the vermin disappeared? If the vermin were so hot on his trail, why didn't Taft warn the otter of the danger immediately? How did they give the vermin the slip so easily?
Despite that, you did a pretty good job at bringing about Taft's fear and apprehension in the face of kindness. He expects there to be a trick at the end of every charitable act, doesn't he? :( You know, that scene where he accepted the fresh clothes made me think of Dobby from Harry Potter. lol XD
| Jade TeaLeaf chapter 3 . 2/19/2013
OK, I'll review... but just for the invisible cookies. :)
I still like Copper, though I'm curious to find out more about his mom. I mean, it was hinted that she was the one who instilled his benevolence at an early age, right? How did she die anyways? Where in Copper's childhood did his path diverge from his brother's? Gah, so many questions.
And I can see that young Taft is quite bitter about his life as a slave. The strange thing is- and I know I'm being rather cynical here -that he shouldn't really be bitter given his situation. He was born a slave and it sounds as if he's never come into contact with a free woodlander. If he's never seen the other side, how would he know that there's greener pastures elsewhere? He's ten and to him, someone who has only ever known slavery and cruelty, this is simply his lot in life and there is nothing better for him. Buuuuut... I'll stop sounding so evil and carry on with the other questions.
I want to ask something, though. You had mentioned before that Copper had other slaves and that he treated them well. But here it seems as though Scum... wait... Taft, is the only slave left around. Where are all of Copper's slaves? Why is Taft the one he chooses instead of someone that he has known (and trusted) longer?
Well, those are just little hiccups in the plot-writing process, so no biggie. At least it keeps things rolling. -
I can't wait until he ends up in Redwall... poor little mite. :(
| Jade TeaLeaf chapter 2 . 2/19/2013
Awwww... Poor Scum. Really wish there was a better name to call him right now. Anyways, good chapter and quite a bit of characterization. I have to say that I like Copper even more. :)
However, I still have yet to see the 'bad side' that keeps being hinted. If he's not necessarily good, then I would need convincing at this point. I mean, he went clear out of his way to help a slave and bandage him up. Sounds pretty good-guy to me.
Other point: it's spelled "stoat" instead of "stout."
And one other thing I would like to add is that while it's nice that you're showing Scum's surprise at the unusually kind-hearted fox, you describe things as if it's the first time that the mouse has even seen him... Or the first time that the fox had even been in the horde. For example, Copper is surprised and unaware of Slick's rules and treatment towards his slaves. I imagine that they bump into each other on a daily basis, so it seems logical that he'd pick up on his sadistic mannerisms by now. Also, if Copper has such a reputation for being a buzz-kill for the vermin and their sadism, why is Scum so surprised?
It's odd for a fox, yeah. But it's been mentioned that Scum's lived as Slick's slave all his life. And if he works so closely with Slick, he probably knows a thing or two about Copper. You would think that he knows that the fox is more lenient (and reasonable) than his master. Just some food for thought.
Despite all those technicalities, good chapter. Reading on. :)
| Jade TeaLeaf chapter 1 . 2/19/2013
Not a bad start here. Your writing style is pretty good and your story holds a lot of promise to it (I might be biased since I love foxes and grey characters so much :) ).
Slickcast, Doxtriz, and Copper, huh? Interesting family dynamics going on here. The only thing that I would say for constructive criticism is to show instead of tell. For the end of the chapter, you indulged a little too much on Copper's views on justice and honor. From where I was standing, he seemed like a good guy in a bad place, but then you back-peddle and say stuff like "It wouldn't be true to say that he was a good and kind creature, but he did have his limits." I think that it would have been better if you were more vague on his morality and let the readers come to their own conclusions as the story unfolded.
Anyways, that's just my word on things. Love Copper, by the way. :) I look forward to reading the rest!
| AlexatheNerd chapter 22 . 2/19/2013
still not too sure what Copper's thinkin'...
hope he's not evil...
Anywhooo! REALLY good!
| Nyra Angruta chapter 8 . 2/10/2013
I completely agree with you regarding slaves in stories being born rebellious. It's okay to a certain point (Martin and Felldoh are, naturally, rebellious guys and therefore can get away with being rebellious slaves), but it is a little unrealistic for EVERY slave that ever graced the face of Mossflower (in this case) to be that way. Especially when the character has practically grown up in slavery (Triss comes to kind), it just seems a little unrealistic, unless they've had the influence of older characters who may be old enough to remember life before enslavement (which, according to the book, Triss does not). Thank you for making your story more realistic. :)
I'm still in the process of reading Captured in the Dark, but what I've read so far is very good. Keep up the good work!
| Freya Thorine chapter 21 . 1/15/2013
Though there are the odd typo/grammatically incorrect sentence, they are not hideous and can be easily interpruted and overall the story has a good flow.
I wonder what you have planned to happen next... Sorry I don't have time to write a better review, but I will on the next one! Keep up the good work! :)
| Cairn Destop chapter 21 . 12/19/2012
This chapter implies a conspiracy between father and second son. I do admit that the long absence has dulled my memory. I do recall the reason given by the fox at the abbey was altered, though I'm thinking this as much a contest between the two vermin and the Abbey's residents.
A few things noted while reading. Glad to see you back online.
1 - xpecting the coal fox to lash out in anger at his words - Typo, you forgot, or missed, the capital E at the beginning of the sentence. I'm also unsure what word you intended, but am certain the word "coal" is not what you intended.
2 - and began to crew on her mother's claw - based on the commandments of Saint Stephen King, (genuflect, genuflect, sing the hallalua chorus), the word "began" is inappropriate. Also the word "crew" must be a typo for "chew." Suggest rewording - "and chewed on her mother's claw"
3 - looked deep into her mates eyes. - Possessive - mate's
4 - where he had wondered - typo, "wandered"
5 - He crouched to the ground - poor wording - suggest - He crouched close to the ground
6 - standing opposite of him - I'm thinking verbose, suggest eliminating this phrase
7 - if it wasn't for his father wanted him conscious - should be "wanting"
| wildivy chapter 3 . 11/28/2012
Wow! What a great fanfic! (now where is me cookie?!) lol