|Reviews for This City Is On Fire|
| CalgaryCowgirl chapter 17 . 9/26/2013
Just as a bit of constructive criticism that you are free to take or leave, you switched tenses in your writing around chapter 14. A little abrupt if I may say. Other than that, I like the story.
| purdys pal chapter 17 . 5/19/2013
Thank you for taking the time to give this story an ending. I look forward to reading more of your stories when you get the time.
| bcmom chapter 17 . 5/18/2013
Awesome Story! I passed it over a while ago because of the " Jesse, Michael" thing thinking that it was... well something else. So sorry. This was well worth the read. Just awesome. Thanks for sharing your talent for writing.
| Jedi Skysinger chapter 17 . 5/18/2013
Thank you for not letting this go unfinished! We appreciate the closure! )
| FoxiKO chapter 17 . 5/16/2013
| Guest chapter 17 . 5/15/2013
Some howI missed something somewhere, but I believe you did affine job of what I have seen. Please continue. Rest gently please. Dusty
| Shakespeare's Lemonade chapter 1 . 1/17/2013
Hi there. I clicked on this story because I was interested in a Jesse/OC pairing since I would like to see him get a girl, but I hate to say I was disappointed. I haven't been reading Burn Notice stories very long since I just watched most of the series in December, but I do feel like I have a good idea of how the characters act, and this just didn't seem like Jesse at all. I don't want to be negative, but he was really OOC. I'll explain what I mean.
First, you have him describing what the girl looks like in the sort of detail that, well, a girl would use. Words like her sunglasses were "perched" and her eyes were a "furious" shade of green just don't sound like words Jesse would use. It's called purple prose, which basically means a lot of unnecessary words. A more realistic description might have been: "She had straight red hair and bright green eyes." I don't think he would have been close enough to see her freckles. Maybe you could have brought that detail out when he got closer.
Second, the fact that Jesse just falls in love with this girl at first sight makes no sense. He's probably seen plenty of pretty girls before. Why is this one special? He should see her do something interesting not just walk out the door with a cup of coffee. Everyone does that. It doesn't make her interesting. What's unique about her? Maybe she holds the door for an old man or pays for someone else's coffee who lost their wallet. Jesse needs to notice something about her besides her looks because otherwise, you're making him out to be a shallow creep.
Which leads me to number three: randomly following a girl because she's pretty is not romantic; it's creepy. That's what stalkers do. Jesse is not a creep or a stalker. Yes, he's a spy, so he notices things, but he needs to notice something important. Maybe the girl dropped something and he follows her to give it back? Something besides just following her for no reason. People don't just do that.
And the last thing I want to mention is Jesse's dialogue with Madeline. I don't think she would ask what the girl looks like, and I don't think he would describe her with things like "voice as smooth as silk." It just sounds... girly and weird. I think Maddie might be more likely to ask how they met and what the girl is like which would lead to a much more interesting conversation with him trying to explain why he's so interested in someone he's barely met.
As it stands, it seems like you're saying what a person looks like is the most important thing about them, and that's not consistent with reality, or with the characters you are writing. Jesse was a spy, so he's not just going to fall for a girl because she's pretty. He's going to want to know a lot more about her before he gets too close.
I really hope you don't take this the wrong way. I'm just giving my honest opinion and trying to be constructive. I think your writing in terms of mechanics is pretty good. There were some tense shifts at the beginning, but after that, it seemed all right. The scenes seem to flow just fine, and the pacing is comfortable. It's just the content I take issue with, and I hope my suggestions have been at least a little helpful if only for future reference since I see that you are quite a ways into this story.
I wish you the best in your writing endeavors.
| purdys pal chapter 16 . 1/8/2013
A very exciting chapter. Look forward to finding out how they get of the situation.
| FoxiKO chapter 16 . 1/6/2013
Oh my gosh great chapter!
| Jedi Skysinger chapter 16 . 1/5/2013
Wow, what a thrill ride of a chapter! I can't wait to see how Jesse, Emma and Team Westen are going to get out of this one!
| BurnedSpy chapter 16 . 1/5/2013
aww don't leave it there it was just getting good. Update asap
| FoxiKO chapter 15 . 12/26/2012
You just plain wick'ed! LoL gotta a little cliffhanger there... Keep up the good work :)
| Jedi Skysinger chapter 15 . 12/25/2012
Whoa and Whoa! Very T plus scene, but very well done, Bravo! And the suspense for the next chapter is great, bring it on please!
| BurnedSpy chapter 15 . 12/22/2012
| Purdys Pal chapter 15 . 12/22/2012
Ooo a cliffhanger! Poor Jesse, I hope he has some back up near by. A great chapter, I look forward to the next one.