|Reviews for Withering Star|
| Ciruno Rowe 'Augmented Conduit chapter 1 . 8/2/2012
An eye for an eye, a review for a review.
Is it me or is Rumia most of the time the one that keeps appearing to newcomers that enter Gensokyo? She is more badass here though. The quality of the writing is just that great, that it gives me chills.
Its nice to see Marisa, despite her old age, is still functioning and still saving ladies out there. I've read this for a long time before, and my review was bound to degrade. The length did made me skim through right now when I'm supposed to give the review. But I promise did I did read through the whole thing.
Marisa, you can't just make maids out of people you save! This isn't Skyrim for crying out loud! Maybe if you're remi or Yukari, but it wouldn't work now. Nice to see Reyna trying to be independent. But independence will get you killed out here. You don't even know much magic! You're not Harry Potter or anything. Again you should be glad Marisa save you. But still, Marisa you're pretty snarky at this age.
I like this idea of a new Gensokyo yet dislike it at the same time. It would be cool to see a side story where it explains how that happened. Or is there one in your other fanfiction? I'd better go check after making this review.
Oh man. Reimu's dead? Well I guess she ran out of lives and bombs. Shame our friendly poor shrine maiden is dead but I guess life goes on.
Marisa... I'm glad I didn't imagine what you look like right now when you said you're still good in bed... Now that reminds me, I wonder if she had any dates with anyone from Gensokyo? Male or Female.
Alice, you're going to be a little too late when you arrive... But that description seems to be the most effective way to teach people about Alice. Also, Gensokyou lessen tomorrow, be there.
Ah, the second world war between Gensokyo and the Moon. Now I'm imagining a hitler lunarian in my mind. But a bloodless battle wouldn't work with a hitler lunarian.
Oh yes Marisa, LadyMima is truly great! "Beautiful, flowing green hair, powerful aura and very large milkshakes. I still recall their softness and smoothness... Oh it makes me giddy!" That lines just crack me up. Oh Lady Mima please come back to Touhou 14.
Ooh? The outside world explained by Marisa? Did she get out of Gensokyou to get more books?
That part makes me tear up... "Tomorrow, okay?"
Now I cry. It is a sad day. You're writing quality just makes it better. See Alice, you're a little bit late. Maybe you shouldn't have came back for those two other dolls.
The funeral made me sorrowful. Its amazing how words can move many if they focus on those words.
The white magician! Seems legit! I can already see a reincarnation of Marisa! Wait...
What if the way Marisa met Mima was the same when Reyna met Marisa? What if Mima... Nah, Marisa described her as beautiful. She doesn't look like an old hermit. Anyway, it was a really great one shot. I would've said epic, but I reserve those for times when they have all the things I want, action, romance, drama, horror, suspense, light sprays of comedy. Kinda like Avengers except for the Romance part. But yeah, its a great long stand alone fic!
Note - Do you know that Reyna also translate to Queen? Go Queen!
Proud to be Pinoy
| Kaiser dude chapter 1 . 6/11/2012
Ok, so after reading about Reyna from the OC Wiki, I think it's fair for me to look into her story to see what makes her unique.
I'll do a breakdown.
Arrival in Gensokyo: pretty well-written in terms of reality for how one new to Gensokyo would react, and especially a former noble. (Of course, I think I have an idea of how she got here).
Elder woman's house: not much to say, as it was hard for me to keep in mind who she was. I did like how the realism of adjusting to a new life felt. Still, nice touch.
Runaway: ... feral and danmaku options for survival... gave me the feeling Gensokyo has gone to hell or something. for the elder woman to come back and save Reyna despite her personality change... meh, I need to rethink her image. I'm sure the questions asked here play an important part later.
Return to elder woman's place: And here's the story that changed Gensokyo to the chaotic place it is. I already mentioned it in the IRC, but breaking up the wall of text paragraphs into smaller fragments while keeping the story intact 'give or take 2-4 lines of text' per paragraph would help, and to add line-breaks before and after the story might help readers know a change in scenery/time is in effect. if it's just her telling the story, then just break the paragraphs.
As for the story of how Gensokyo changed, I think I'll find out later on about the details left out.
One discovery: an interesting take on the picture's contents and the story used for this fic.
After the discovery: Character development, and more learning about Gensokyo. nice details.
Near the end: beautiful... that's all I need to say without spoiling it.
Overall: It's a good attempt for a second fic you wrote, but with some minor changes, it'll look better.
Just some minor changes to paragraph size (5 lines being broken down to 2-4 lines helps make it easy on some readers' eyes) is all that needs to be changed urgently.
| WillieG.R chapter 1 . 5/23/2012
Ok, the reference to Nekokurou's story is this: "Five years has passed ever since the incident of that stupid Yama's overnight winter was a battle that I have never expected." I actually smiled when I saw you mention that. Nice reference. Though I see you chose to go through the bad ending scenario. Interesting indeed.
Now then, I swear, I really hate these kinds of fics where the future is so goddamned bleak, it makes you feel like you don't even want to get out of bed anymore... But this story was beautiful. That's what kept me here. Seriously beautiful tale, though dark and bleak. I liked how Marisa managed to get out of that grumpy and gloomy personality she had adopted. Still, the happy days she was living with Reyna led me to see exactly where this was all going, and I was very disappointed to see I was right. It made even more sense when Marisa promised to teach Reyna magic. She felt what Mima felt. At least she went in pace, even though dear Reyna feels she didn't. Also as expected, seeing Alice arrive right there, the very day our dear Ordinary Magician passed on. Oh well, I did smile when Reyna was dubbed "The Extraordinary White Witch". I am severely disappointed at how this one-shot ended. I didn't feel closure here. More like something that might continue, should you wish it so.
The letter and diary entry at the end were a very nice touch, but again, failed to close this story. Like you said at the notes, this is like a ZUN thing, and you're just leaving things to us the readers to discuss. Ah well, somehow, as bitter as I feel after reading this, I still feel a bit glad to see Reyna taking over Marisa's role. Many questions remain though. Why is the barrier still up, where is Yukari, and did Alice really make good on her word and came back? Reyna teaching magic herself will make it so it takes her AGES before she can do too much. And another thing, why does that man in the ending letter seem familiar? Oh well, I leave you feeling bitter, yet expressing my amazement on how this dark story felt so beautiful.
| SorrowfulReincarnation chapter 1 . 5/23/2012
Woah. I don't think that there is a word that describes how I feel after reading this sad story. I kinda feel sad, and yet... I don't know. Woah.
The intro to this story is the first thing that I love about it. While it starts in the middle of an event (Reyna trying to escape from Rumia), it did not confuse me at all, and I could quickly empathize with Reyna. The way you depicted Rumia was great, with the very predator-like behaviour and her mercilessness...! I guess Reyna's words were fitting. Rumia was insane.
You had me surprised, to be honest, about Gensokyo's future... or rather, remains. Hearing what had become of it, Reimu and the Hakurei Shrine made me quite sad... but not as sad as reading what had become of Marisa. Marisa, an old woman that wanted nothing more than the old days to be back... How she lived for nothing more than to have it back... She seemed a bit grumpy at the beginning, but I guess that happens to you when your dreams are shattered in an instant, leaving nothing back but the dust of what once were your dreams and hopes, your former life... I feel with Marisa. She must have been alone for a long time. Even Alice left her, left for Makai... that she didn't make it in time, and actually only missed Marisa by a day made this even sadder. But somehow, I got the feeling that Marisa died happy... in the last moments of her life, she must have understood what Mima once felt, back when she was Marisa's mentor...
I admit... for a moment, I almost expected Marisa to have become a ghost, like Mima, but when she didn't return and Alice showed up, I quickly understood that she had not... had passed away for good. Marisa's death was, for me, the saddest moment of this story... she never accomplished to bring the old Gensokyo back, missed Alice by only a day, had been long alone... For a moment, I felt like I was going to cry, you know?
I think it is quite touching how Reyna becomes the "extraordinary white witch" in honor of Marisa, the Ordinary Black Witch... That, in addition to Marisa's death and funeral... A load of emotions one has to process.
Aside a few typos here and there, I can see nothing wrong in this incredible story. Trust me, you can be definetly proud of this masterpiece. Like I mentioned before, your way of describing things and persons is quite amazing and makes it easy for the reader to visualize them, as well as empathize with the persons, especially Reyna and Marisa.
At the very beginning of this story, you mentioned that this was supposed to be a 1000 words one shot, but it turned into a 20 000 words Behemoth... The remarkable thing is, in my opinion, that you managed to create this masterpiece out of a supposed-to-be short one shot.
Like I said, you can definetly be proud of this story, and I hope we see more like this from you... I know I definetly want more.
In hope that you'll continue to create masterpieces like this, so long
| nekokuro13 chapter 1 . 5/23/2012
A Behemoth indeed... A leviathan! Sigh. (takes a deep breath) THIS BETTER BE WORTH IT! Oh, and the first thing I saw was my name at the bottom while I was copypasting this to MSWord.
Seriously, to overdo things from 1K words to 20Ks? What are you? It's like you breath in words instead of air.
PFFFF... Rofl'd at Is that so? EX-R**** indeed. XD
Old lady... hmm, how nostalgic. *nods. For a boy you sure are mushy. So you can forgive me for mistaking that fact. XD
Ah... so the girl is from the outside world? I see...
Water giant mushrooms (gas mask at the storage house). XD
'Her pupils were so large that it took up the entire space within the eye, giving them the appearance of a glossy black marble stone that was neatly polished.' - lol, maybe because she was drawn anime-style? XD
Ah... the power of love... it does not age. :3
'Five years has passed ever since the incident of that stupid Yama's overnight winter was a battle that I have never expected.' - Ahaha, stupid Yama indeed. There goes your challenge, Nekokuro him/herself had chosen to reveal it. Why I'm flattered! Although, you know, for Marisa to mention that, would be not so likely, because immediately after that winter, an even bigger and much more serious incident happened: The incident of the Sanguine Insanity Crescendo. Yep, Meriko entered Gensokyo around that time. But, yep, thank you very much, you flatter me, Nicol-san.
'We made a promised that when we died, we'll have a race towards Higan, undoubtedly pissing off the Yama while we're at it, hehehe.' Ah, the time when Marisa said, “Ahaha, silly Reimu, looks like we’ll die together, ze!” And Reimu answered, “Let’s be a ghost and haunt Eiki after this.” Is that it? In my final battle chapter? Maybe not. :P I'm overdoing it.
Ah, her death... heart touching. She even said "Da ze" in her last words to Reyna. As I said, you are quite mushy for a boy. The most touching Touhou fan-fict I've read so far, it gives me the creeps. Ehe.
Well, I'm not going to mention anything about grammar mistakes or whatever, because, um, either I didn't find or remember any, I was more focused on reading.
Ah... humans going underground, and the incident that ended it all? (whispers in Meriko's voice) Don't disappoint me, Nick, okay? Ehehen.
And congrats on your success in making me keep on reading. IN ONE SITTING! This is the longest single chapter I've read in one sitting. Your style of writing is thoughtful, I think you have the talents, to be an author. A real author. In real life.
And don't think I'll be soft on you, boy. Even if I like your writing so far. So, again, don't disappoint me, okay? Ehehen.
| Sonanoka21093 chapter 1 . 5/23/2012
Wow... That was... Wow... I couldn't help but get a bit teared up at the end of the Ordinary Witch's demise... How she, in her last day alive, found out what it felt like when she (I'm guessing) did the same to Mima. That was such a sad story, and love that she said "da ze", both Marisa, and Reyna. Marisa, after returning to her senses, and Reyna, after the funeral. Words simply cannot describe how much I enjoyed this story, even if it was so... bitter sweet. I wish it was more than just a oneshot, but I have a feeling such wishes for continuation would go un-answered. Ohh well, good luck in your other works, and I hope to see more from you. One more thing, your Rumia was quite good! I found her rather cute with the way she was acting. Using "Is that so?" and licking the dried blood. ...I have an odd sense of cute.
| Captain Vulcan chapter 1 . 5/22/2012
Darn it, man. Manly tears were shed. Marisa was a real G to the very end. I liked Rayna, maybe she can be a true successor to the Ordinary Witch.
Hmm… were you referencing the tension Reimu and Marisa had with Shikieki in Nekokuro's story?