|Reviews for The Price of Victory|
| Guest chapter 3 . 7/11/2012
The concept has a lot of potential, and you've done a good job with it so far. The writing style is a bit rough around the edges, but it'll probably improve once you get comfortable with the story. Your characterization is just about right, especially with Dickson.
I'm looking forward to seeing where you go with this. Keep up the good work!
| nobodyreallyimportant chapter 3 . 6/17/2012
well, this is interesting. though there should be a few more commas in there. pay attention to those and all should be well.
| Martin III chapter 3 . 6/10/2012
This chapter is a definite improvement over the opening. The prose is more fast-paced, and there's more of interest to the proceedings.
The dialogue still suffers from a lack of punctuation (e.g."I understand your duties general but we are not done researching the Monado yet."), so there's something to work on. There's a good flow and natural wit to it all, though; "Cartez was always a madman. His men madder for following him!" is a particularly strong line.
One notable problem: Dickson didn't say anything about the Monado acting on its own, so why would Arean jump to such a far-fetched conclusion? It would be far more reasonable to assume the Monado is either inert or discharges stray energy.
The characterization is very strong, and you delve nicely into Colony politics and the early difficulties and dangers with the Monado. Thus far, you're doing justice to the game and its hints of the war's events, and Dickson remains engagingly in-character. Keep going.
| Sniperrolf chapter 3 . 6/6/2012
This is off to a good start, everyone you have in this stroy is in character. Will continue to read. :D
| Martin III chapter 2 . 6/2/2012
Not a bad start, though the concept of this fic does seem overambitious. You handle Dunban and Dickson very well, which is a good sign for if you should be up to the task of completing this fic. They're both realists, yet never defeatists, no matter the odds - just as in the game.
Some line-by-line problems worth fixing:
1."Taking a quick glance he saw that it was Shulk, his face was one of sorrow and hesitation." A rather confusing run-on sentence.
2."He spoke comfortingly," It's best to avoid adverbs when at all possible, especially in dialogue tags. And this tag doesn't seem needed at all.
3."So I shall tell you about what happened one year ago from my point of view."" Whenever a person tells something, it's always from his own point of view. (This breaking of the fourth wall is also inaccurate, since chapter 1 is NOT from Dunban's point of view.)
The opening half of chapter 1 tends towards purple prose. The dialogue is very good, though, aside from the near-total absence of punctuation, with this run-on being particularly lacking in natural rhythm: "I can't stop now Dickson, I just know I'm on the verge of a making a breakthrough with the Monado." Dickson sounds just like his old self, and there's a natural flow to the conversation. It comes off as things Shulk and Dickson would actually discuss.
Anyway, the first war with the Mechon is a piece of history I'd love to see fleshed out more, so I'll be sticking with this fic for as far as you take it.
| vgvalerie chapter 2 . 5/29/2012
wow this looks great so far! dunban and co are written well and in character. keep it up! :)
| LuckyBlackCat chapter 2 . 5/24/2012
This is well written with an interesting premise. I look forward to more! I really like the way you write Dickson, great characterisation :)