|Reviews for Fatal Assumption|
| SapphireWolf2001 chapter 2 . 1/4/2014
Good job! It's awesome how you put so much detail, and Derek's death scene was... Very tragic... I literally cried actual tears... But still, this story is very well-written! :)
| Traumateamgirl chapter 2 . 11/5/2013
OMG TEH FEELS :D
| AlphaReapr chapter 2 . 11/4/2013
Yayy! DOUBLE character death! I was getting bored of only one dying and the other depressed and got over it, so THANK YOU!
I have high expectations of the method of death, and a suggestion, maybe they can die holding hands or those mushy stuff
| Storm chapter 2 . 11/11/2012
I noticed you write DerAng but you always make Angie out to be a horrible person and always yelling or hurting Derek...This being the icing on the cake..I think you need to at least consider writing something other then tragedies where Angie is a bitch.
| 5438 chapter 2 . 11/10/2012
I check everyday for a new story and its nice to see one out :) this was a rather dark piece but still wonderful :) however the second chapter was a bit rushed- I'm typing this on an iPod so I can't elaborate further sorry :( anyhow good work an keep on writing!
| Empress Nightshade chapter 1 . 10/12/2012
This is an aesthetics note: You should use the bold line function to divide the author’s notes from the rest of the story, and you should combine the two and put it at the end. Visually, it’s the first thing the reader sees, and the way you have it organized as well as what you’re talking about, makes me (if I were a regular reader) not want to read the story.
“It was a dark and stormy night.”
-This line is cliché. Unless you’re trying to parody something, I would come up with a better lead in or just drop it all together.
“The storm decided to rest over a small house, and dump its snow onto the house and the sidewalk leading away from it.”
-Why isn’t this sentence a part of the paragraph that’s above it? Also, it feels kind of awkward. You already stated that it was a storm and that it was blanketing everything in snow.
“That house happened to be Angie Thompson's, and she was not happy at all…”
-Same for this sentence. Why is it by itself? Also, why are you telling the reader that Angie isn’t happy? You should be showing them (through dialogue and action) within this chapter.
“She was ready to kill after what she had just been through.”
-Once again, telling not showing.
“Angie had caught him. Caught him making out with her best friend, Leslie.”
-Why are these two lines in italics? They’re clearly not a thought, since they’re not written in first person. It also doesn’t seem like any one is talking.
“But she just wasn't that type of person…”
-As a reader, I’m not sure what type of person she is because you haven’t “shown” me anything about her.
“Derek was slowly becoming frustrated. He understood what Angie thought had happened, but she didn't understand.”
-Telling not showing. How is Derek frustrated? You need to show the reader through body language.
"Oh REALLY?! WHAT DON'T I UNDERSTAND?! MORE LIKE WHAT YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND ABOUNT COMMITMENT AND RELATIONSHIPS! YOU INSENSITIVE, CHEATING BAS-"
-You didn’t capitalize “OH” and you misspelled “ABOUT”. Don’t include two ending punctuation marks together like this (?!); it’s grammatically incorrect. Also, since your story isn’t that detailed, I’d lay off of the full caps. It just makes the chapter as a whole look poor.
"NO, YOU LISTEN TO ME!" GET THE F*** OUT OF MY HOUSE!"
-If you’re not going to use the full swear word, don’t bother putting it in. It just looks stupid.
“Angie gave a firm shove, knocking Derek backwards, outside of the house (Breaking the lock), and down the stairs.”
-Poorly written description. I’m having a hard time picturing this.
“What she had missed...and wouldn't notice until a month after...was Derek's blood on the stairs…”
-Why are you mentioning this when the next scene is a flashback? Why are you even putting a break in the scene, when no time has elapsed? You’re not focusing on one point of view per scene either.
-Okay, the rest of your story is so poorly written that I couldn’t read it clearly. Half of your scenes are just quotes with little description or indication of who’s talking. And next, it doesn’t matter that this is fanfiction and that you’re writing for your fandom; you need to develop the characters better. I felt absolutely no connection to any of them, nor did I care about what was going on. And no, reading some information on wikipedia is not an excuse to not properly explain or describe anything.
-After reading the rest of this, you need to drop the opening paragraph. It’s slow, it’s boring, and it’s unnecessary. Jumping right into the argument between the two characters would have made more of an impact. Also, and I’m saying it again: Show Don’t Tell. You have so little description going on, and there is no voice at all. Don’t tell the readers that a character’s mad or frustrated or what their personality is in a few short sentences. Show us through dialogue, character interaction, action/body language, actually do proper point of view, and show us the character’s thoughts.
-The only scene that was halfway decent was Derek’s flashback. And even that felt awkward and off. The fact that he admits to being weaker than Leslie and doesn’t want to sleep her suggests rape. Yeah, she’s drunk, but that doesn't change it. He’s being sexually molested, wants to run away, and the first thought you give him is joking about how he should start working out? Even his death scene is very flat and dry. Derek says Angie doesn’t understand; I wish I could understand his emotions and whatever physical pain he’s going through, so I can care about the fact he’s going to die alone in the snow.
-And lastly the ending. You say she didn’t notice him for a month at the beginning. I know it was snowing outside, but really? The fact that you put so little description about everything, yet have such a dramatic plot going on makes no sense to me.
-This all might sound kind of harsh, but this chapter needs some serious fixing.
| PhantomCompany chapter 1 . 8/14/2012
Woww... that was traumatic. Why did you kill Derek? WHY?! Anyways, I loved it!
| Gotham Siren chapter 1 . 5/30/2012
Very good for your first one-shot. Successful first forrays into fanfiction can sometimes be hard to manage.
I do have a few quibbles, though:
1.) Why did you bleep out the first curse word, then un-bleep it for a few more lines and bleep it again? Since it's rated T, there is really no need to bleep it out.
2.) Instead of writing out -line break-, try separating the scenes with starts or discreet letters. That way, it doesn't deract from the overall feel of the story.
Other than that, I do think that you did a well job. Your grammar usage was well done and everything seemed to flow well enough.
I don't mean any of that above to be mean, or seem superior, I just want you to learn that there are easier ways to solve little problems like that.
| Traumateamgirl chapter 1 . 5/25/2012
ITS AMAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAZING :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D