|Reviews for Betrayed|
| Len chapter 1 . 6/28
I like the plot, but the story feels kind of emotionally flat. You tend to tell more than show. As a writer myself (a published one, and also someone who has studied about writing fiction,) I can tell you that you don't just write something like "Harry couldn't believe it," and leave it at that. You must describe it with physical (sense based) and emotional (this can be achieved through simile and metaphor) details i.e, " Stone cold reality slammed into his senses declaring the hard truth to his mind; but, nothing about what he heard could puncture the hazy confusion of his thoughts or destroy the deep seated need to desperately deny it all. Memories flashed back to all the laughter, to the adventures they overcame together, to the warmth and friendship they shared. They'd given him everything he'd yearned for his entire life before Hogwarts. These two could not be the people he thought of as sister and brother. How could that all have been a lie? Yet with every denial reality seemed to fight back in kind. etc"
| rmiser1994 chapter 17 . 5/14
great story so far .
| marie chapter 17 . 4/20
hope you write more
| lightshow cat chapter 17 . 4/3
U can do it!now be a good author and give me more chappies “ψ()ψ（）()/（・・）()(ο･･ο）(づ )づ..emojiss yay!
| lightshow cat chapter 4 . 4/2
Omg don't u dare abandon this story its something special ︿
| ToddGilliss chapter 17 . 3/31
coming back soon?
| Mistris Michaelis chapter 5 . 3/18
the fact that they have a exclusive compartment with Snape is kinda odd
| ElementalMaster16 chapter 17 . 3/17
somewhat interesting :)
PLEASE UPDATE SOON! (_)
| draco122 chapter 4 . 3/15
this is pretty awesome so far
| Guest chapter 17 . 3/13
Not particularly surprised by the long delay. for one, the lousy lengths of your chapters alone puts a lot of people off. It shows them that if you dont have the dedication to even write more than 1000 words in one go, the story isnt going to go anywhere. the fact that this was written first in 2012, and has only got this far is proof enough.
| Wolphflow chapter 17 . 3/12
Please update soon. This is a great story especially if Harry gets more evil as it progresses. Thanks for the laughs.
| PaC chapter 17 . 3/12
Your upbeat light hearted author notes bleed through a little, into the story, but generally I suppose it's mostly just some sarcasm than humor in this "crime" category story. But I think it indicates you might pull off story categories like humor, satire, or parody.
The betraying cold nasty Ron and Hermione beginning was pretty lame. It improved from there. A good alternative for writing something difficult to not be so lame, corny, silly, ecetera ... just plain piss poor or bad, is to not really write it if one can't write it well. For example, you could have started the story with Hermione casting the spell and hitting the time turner, or with Harry waking up in his cupboard.
Then as Harry begins to come to terms and realize he's dreaming or has traveled back into his younger body, you could gloss over the betrayal part as Harry recalls the events just before he time traveled. Telling it as a summary won't require the sort of believability and realism that didn't float the boat or launch the story very well with the beginning of this story, with Harry following Hermione and confronting Ron and Hermione in your betrayal scene. That's my advice if you note a scene like that which is just too hard to write or you can't get right, to gloss over it and just let readers imagine and fill in details or tell it in summary, not a detailed flashback, but a blurry summary as you sort of look over the shoulder of the character thinking over things, and the story vaguely summarizing what just isn't easily be written out well, in detail.
From there, I thought the story was very fast paced, no slow or boring spots. Overall, in terms of being an easy read and keeping reader interest, it was fairly good. That you sound like a kid in secondary school with your author notes, makes it even more praise worthy. Two years? Well, if after more than two years, you're still not nearing college age, every year younger than that, add another excellent to what you were writing two years ago, because for your age, it makes the writing go from good to excellent, even if you get into a problem in getting stuck or not moving the story or finishing it, what you wrote already, years before, if my conjecture is on target, being a young adult, is pretty impressive.
| Tommy14 chapter 17 . 3/11
Great to read another chapter.
| Sennybee98 chapter 17 . 3/11
I'm so glad you decided to do tinge this story again.
Also, since Harry is evil, will he join Voldemort? And if so, will he give Quirrel the stone this time around?
| Harry Morgan Le Fay chapter 17 . 3/11