|Reviews for Prophecy|
| Yokai Hebitori chapter 3 . 12/15/2013
Pretty good fic so far.
When are you going to update this?
I hope it will be soon; this was a brillant idea.
Don't stop no matter the issues.
Keep Up The Good Work!
| MitzvahRose chapter 3 . 7/22/2013
Nice chapter. :) Took a while to update, though it was definitely worth it. :D Jinxmon... very cute, though she seems a but to cutesy when it comes to looks. xD
'Til next time! :3
| Bookworm Gal chapter 3 . 7/22/2013
...there is definitely some improvement in quality and it was certainly an enjoyable chapter.
| Da-Tenshi Setsuna chapter 2 . 12/16/2012
This was pretty cool. Wonder what next'll happen.
| Crazyeight chapter 2 . 11/26/2012
It’s generally not a good start when your author note includes an obviously misspelled word like ‘continueds’ (you want ‘continues’). In fact, your chapter has a great deal of misspelled words and grammatical mistakes scattered throughout it (the worst examples so far is ‘maby’ when it should be ‘maybe’—at least I’m assuming from the context that’s what you mean—and ‘norvsly’ which is supposed to be ‘nervously’). I highly, highly recommend that you invest in a spell checker or at least a beta reader as it becomes quite difficult to read through the chapter without catching these problems.
As for the chapter itself… It looks like it was lifted straight out of Tamers canon right down to the dialogue, replacing Impmon with Fate…for some reason. And that was about as far as it went so…yeah. Not exactly sure what you accomplished or how this chapter even advances the story. I again advise you to get a spell checker and beta-reader. Otherwise all of my previous notes still stand. That’s all I have to say on the matter.
| MitzvahRose chapter 2 . 11/18/2012
Oooo... did you say the D-Reaper's back? Haha, why do I have a bad feeling about this? :D
| Bookworm Gal chapter 2 . 11/18/2012
Okay, there are still some spelling problems. Like the word "sandwiches," "coward," and "points." Mostly they still seem to be just silly mistakes people make when they're in a hurry. Spell-check would help pick those up. You also use "your" (which means "it belongs to you") when you should have used "you're" (which means "you are") at one part. These aren't the only spelling problems, but they certainly caught my attention.
Dealing with content, I find it intriguing to see how their impromptu contest has been interrupted. Especially by someone who throws green fire and apparently almost looks like them. Once you deal with the spelling errors present in this chapter, I'll look forward to seeing how the story progresses from here.
| Guest chapter 1 . 7/3/2012
Crazyeight review continued:
Line: There were only humans not digimon. But there were a few of them with tamers. In Shinjuku Park there were eleven human kids and ten digimons.
Again, you contradict yourself here. You say ‘there were only humans,’ and ‘not digimon’. ‘*But* (note, don’t start a sentence with the word ‘but’) there were a few of them with Tamers.’ Given that the audience should have some working knowledge of digimon season three it’s a given that Tamers are human. Again though, you include digimon in there, directly contradicting your statement that ‘there were only humans and not digimon’. Wrong. If there are digimon there, then there are digimon and humans. Not ‘only humans’ and ‘nothing else’.
Also, digimon is one of those names that can be used for both plural and singular forms, so ‘digimons’ is wrong.
Line: In Shinjuku Park there were eleven human kids and ten digimons. They were the saviors of both worlds from the distruction of the D-reaper (okay, make that ten humans and nine digimons). It has also been five months since they return home from (for some of the tamers) another reality and from (for some of the tamers) the digital world. They were haing a converasion of the digiportals that were coming more often than usual.
There was no need for the correction in parenthesis. Be specific in the beginning, otherwise you make yourself look silly and uninformed (in addition, ‘distruction’ is spelled ‘destruction’. ‘Haing’ is ‘having’, and ‘converasion’ is ‘conversation’. Always, *always* double-check your work). Don’t contradict yourself if you can help it. If there are eleven humans and ten digimon, then it *should* be eleven and ten. No ifs, ands, or buts about it unless one of them is not there at that moment, at which point say that there are ten and nine there at that point in time.
The next problem with this sentence—and the following ones as well dealing with the introduction of the characters is…it’s like reading a textbook. It’s too long and it’s just not interesting. It works with the first character because they’re the first, but when you have to go through each and every character and give them the same treatment…it’s easy to become bored very quickly. Your job as a writer is to show the audience what’s going on through the thoughts and actions of the characters in relation to their surroundings. Don’t just tell them what’s going on; show them. An example would be:
“Takato lounged on the grass while, next to him, a giant red reptile with a hazard symbol emblazoned on his chest sniffed at a dragon fly buzzing in front of him. Smiling idly at the sight he craned his head toward his friends—a group of nine children, all his age—as they focused on the card game in front of them. They were all surrounded by an equal number of creatures ranging from something that at first glance appeared to be a small, grey-furred rabbit to a giant, rust-colored robot. Not a one of them batted an eye at the creatures’ presence. In their eyes and the eyes of their home city, they were their Tamers.
As Takato watched, one of them, a boy of darker complexion and hair, with a white-furred rabbit-like creature perched on his shoulder was saying something to a golden-furred fox-like entity. He heard the word ‘digiportals’ from his mouth and at once Takato became more attentive.
It’s been a few months since we had to deal with those…” Takato thought, suddenly becoming worried.”
This isn’t the best three paragraphs, but at once it gives you a character’s perspective as he takes in his friends, describing only what’s necessary as the plot demands and doing it concisely. Only one character’s name is known right now, but the audience is aware that there are others, and you’ll get to them in due time. It also tells the reader that these children aren’t normal by any stretch of the definition, and when one of them becomes worried about something as simple sounding as a word like ‘digiportals’, it tells the audience that there’s something bigger going on and these characters are involved in some manner. That serves as a hook to keep the reader following along. That’s what you need to do more of. You need to get into the heads of your characters and describe what they see. The first place to practice is with yourself. What do you see when you go out in the world? What do other people say to you? What do you think they mean? What are their gestures? Their facial expressions? Do you feel a breeze or are you sweating? Do you feel anything? These are things you need to consider when writing.
| Crazyeight chapter 1 . 6/30/2012
Okay, I’m going to do a few reviews here, one signed and the rest anonymous (with my name tagged so you know who it’s from) as the site doesn’t allow for more than one signed review per chapter. This is going to take time though, so don’t expect them to come quickly as I would like to be as detailed as I can. With that said, let’s get down to business.
The problems with this story extend beyond spelling errors unfortunately. Your style is pretty undeveloped and has an odd mixture of bad exposition, purple prose, and some sentences don’t look like they fit together very well. A lot of your writing lacks an active voice where it would be necessary and where it doesn’t, it doesn’t fit very well, and your use of tenses is odd at times as well. So we’re going to go through this piece by piece and see where we go from there.
Line: It was dark in the digital world where nothing to disturb it.
I don’t think that your use of ‘where’ in this sentence fits, if only because refers to position or circumstances as opposed to the word ‘with’, which in this case deals with ‘in some particular relation to’. I advise either purchasing a dictionary or bookmarking a dictionary site for future reference. Given that some of your sentences tend to be incomplete, you might mean instead: “It was dark in the digital world where nothing was around to disturb it.” Here the word ‘where’ is used to note the absence of presence of life or sound, which would fit better.
Except there’s a problem with that. No consistency. In the following sentence you begin to describe a character in the area, which means that that particular area in the digital world contains something and is therefore being disturbed just by that very presence. If nothing else, be consistent (including with your mistakes). Otherwise you’re going to end up confusing your readers about your intent, and how you communicate what you intend to your readers is going to be very important.
Line: She had long pure white hair which is rare for her kind to have.
What is ‘her kind’, just out of curiosity? Given that we know nothing about this character except that she’s obviously a gender-flipped version of the original Digimon Emperor and, so far, has nothing unique about her, ‘her kind’ could be anything. Based on what we see though, it seems more likely that she’s human so I don’t see the point in mentioning anything about ‘her kind’. I also question the necessity of even supplying that kind of information at this point in the story, as it has no bearing on the plot. Including her hair color in her description is fine, but saying something about how it’s rare for her kind to have is more something that a character should say, and less so for the narrator. This brings me to my next point.
Your writing style is far too familiar (particularly with your breaks with author notes, which should go at either the start and/or the end of the story, never in the middle). Barring first person perspective, third person narrative should be more formal. The reasons for this being is that the relationship between the reader and the story is supposed to contain a certain amount of what’s called ‘suspension of disbelief’. If the author breaks that suspension and speaks to the reader it becomes harder for the reader to sink into the story and suspend their disbelief.
Line: Yet there was a figure wondering around. It wore a golden hair band that is attach to a black shield. It wore a black cape, metal boots, black vest and skirt (a/n: yeah i'm guessing you now know it's a girl from that information)
No. With just this the reader cannot tell whether or not the character is a boy or a girl (it’s not helped by your use of the word ‘it’, which gives every impression that the character isn’t even alive. In the future, use other words that imply that this person is a living creature). Just because you use ‘golden hair band’, stocking, and ‘skirt’ doesn’t tell the reader what gender the person is (the stocking is a bit closer though), particularly in this era where cross dressing is becoming a bit more common. Some cultures use skirts or a variation thereof interchangeably between genders. It should also be noted that with the digital world’s nature, a character could be willing themselves to look a certain way or have created a fake body to hide in so as to not be identified. But back to the point at hand; just saying ‘skirt and hair band’ isn’t enough for gender identity. You need more details. It’s your job to “show” the reader enough details that tell them what is what. If you’re going to say that the reader can guess that it’s a girl from just that and not confirm it in the description, then you’re showing that you’re being lazy, and a reader will be less inclined to read your material, much less look at it.
Although we’ve only seen this character in the first two paragraphs, there’s nothing about her that really stands out. Aside from her hair, robotic arm, and obvious gender stereotype clothing, she’s practically a copy of the Digimon Emperor right down to the title. This is something I see occur a great deal with new authors, particularly among the least experienced, where a character that already exists is ‘photoshopped’ but still has the same motives, background, theme, etc… I should point out that swapping the gender, changing the hair color, and giving a character a robotic arm does not earn a stamp of ‘originality’, but instead points to the opposite. ‘Ember Sparks’ is in need of an overhaul in order to become more acceptable to the audience.
This is just the first two paragraphs. I’ll focus on the next batch next time I’m on. Later.
| Bookworm Gal chapter 1 . 5/28/2012
Okay, I remember you mentioning wanting to borrow my characters at one point, but I couldn't respond back to you since your Private messaging was turned off. You might want to turn it on so that people can talk to you. Since you acknowledge my ideas and asked permission first, I have no problem with you using my characters. I also offer my help if you need info or have questions.
While this is a nice start to a first story, and I am intrigued to find out more, I would like to offer a little advice since this is your first story. The a/n notes in the first few paragraphs are not the best idea. It is smarter to put those types of things in the author's notes at the top and bottom of the chapter rather than in the actual text. It looks neater and interrupts the readers less.
Next, you need to do a little spell checking. There are several spelling mistakes scattered through, most of them easy ones that involve getting letters in the wrong order when you type to fast. It happens to even the best writers, but you need to go back through and fix them. A couple of spelling problems that a spell checker wouldn't catch would be "digimon." It is the same for both the singular and plural form, just like the word "fish." So, you wouldn't use the word "digimons." A beta might help with those types of problems, but it isn't absolutely necessary if you go back through on your own or run your writing through a spell checker. I don't use a beta. But they are helpful for beginners and can even be useful for bouncing story ideas off of.
I don't personally have time to be a beta for you, but I do offer my services as a source of info or feedback. You definitely have potential if you work hard and just take care of the spelling. I can offer further advice if you feel that you need it. Just activate your private messaging.