|Reviews for No Longer|
| Trishata96 chapter 4 . 8/24/2012
Wait... Alistair(sorry Alissa) being mature? Yep hormones are defo out of whack. Love that Wyn is so like Gandalf. And Morgan trying to get Alissa to wear his former shirt. I feel so sorry for Alissa though, Lenard trying to get her size.
| Caraine chapter 4 . 8/20/2012
Woop woop! Changes you've made are great! I'm glad you kep this as a chapter in its own right and fleshed out the descriptions.
Lenard makes me giggle too much. He's like a sanitized version of your Zevran LOL.
The argument between Terry and Morgan is written as instinctive behaviour which just escalates off one another and it works really well. Just one little snipe and the world comes close to ending LOL. And... I like how Alissa deals with it... LOL To emphasise the unconsciousness of her reaction has less negative connotations. Also it fits in with how Alissa is feeling at the minute. While the rest appear to be adjusting more quickly (or succumbing to hormones more easily), Alissa really does seem torn between being Alistair and Alissa. She's definitely less sure of herself (even more so than when Alistair) and that's reflected in her interactions with the others. It is interesting how her Templar abilities do come out faster than Alistair's though. Bit like a den mother, maybe. And I do like how all the mages are like "WTF. Did she just...?".
The conversation with Wyn also seems more in keeping and I like how he explains it as an age thing. I just get the feeling that Wyn is having the time of his life watching them all make idiots of themselves LOL. Crafty old bugger.
Lots of fun! Now for dungeons...
| Caraine chapter 3 . 7/3/2012
Ah, Wyn. The voice of reason! Really like him as the island of calm in a sea of petulant hormones LOL.
I think you side-stepped the science thing very neatly. I wouldn't get too hung up on it though - I imagine that every adult at any time in history would recognise the "testing" time between childhod and adulthood. Still, like how you've considered it, dealt with it and set Wyn up as observer knowing that 'something' is definitely at work in the young ones. And the pedantic bit: gender is a social construct and can be changed; sex can't ;)
Can't see why you were stuck - the ending works as an excellent lead in to what will come next.
Enjoy your holiday :)
| Caraine chapter 1 . 5/28/2012
Constructive bit: Your stream of consciousness descriptions do still occasionally run on longer than they maybe should but on the whole they are much clearer – look at the difference between chapter one and two. In particular, the introduction to Alistair is really just so good. In one paragraph, you manage to capture the way you see his dynamic with Morrigan very succinctly but with an individual/unique tone.
Right, that’s out the way so now for the gushing:
The use of Bal as your central focus means that your transitions between characters is very fluid and helps you to manage those multiple conversations. Although you may want to adjust the change between Alistair/Morrigan and Wynne/Leliana/Zevran so that Bal only leaves Morrigan/Alistair after they begin to bicker.
Character introductions are highly enjoyable. You do have an individual take/understanding on all your characters and their pairings and I think it is shown here really clearly. As above, Alistair immense. And as always, your love for Morrigan comes through – “majestic cruelty and sneering personified”, bless! Leliana, Zevran and Wynne are all enjoyable – Zevran’s obsession with Wynne’s bosom remains creepy as ever but the unexpected attempt to get near it made me laugh. And what a shameful effect he appears to have on Leliana. Shocking! Oghren and Shale are also entertaining and once again, it’s a very natural lead into including further insight into Tess’s character as well as the relationship that exists between her and, in this case, Oghren and Shale. It makes sense for Sten’s introduction to be without dialogue and the slight change in tone of your writing suits the section well as it becomes a reflection on his character.
The thought of Alistair and Morrigan as the camp’s nightly entertainment also makes me laugh. Although would she tolerate anyone laughing at her laughing at Alistair? But it’s interesting how you have grouped the companions together in this chapter especially when you consider the different divides which become apparent in the next chapter as a result of the whole gender thing.
The section of disembodied voices is very well done in that it’s easy to recognise each voice despite not having any additional information other than what is said. It shows that you have a good handle on their speech patterns.
The last section is also very good – the detail of noticing what isn’t there before realising what is there helps to emphasise Tess’s bewilderment. And it adds to the general WTF amusement that would accompany such a dawning realisation!
Overall, I think this is great and exactly what I (cos apparently I know stuff, pfft) think was needed – it gives the necessary context for characters and story so that you can now delve as deep as you want into your gender-bending shenanigans without having to go back and clear up details.
Nicely done :)
| Grey-Warden-Queen chapter 1 . 5/28/2012
It's good. Though you should work on how long your sentences are and your spelling. Maybe grammer. By the way, Ferelden is not spelled Feralden.
| Katyakora chapter 2 . 5/28/2012
I am intrigued, and very much looking forward to where you take this. Keep up the good work