|Reviews for Dogged|
| The Wandering Muse chapter 3 . 5/8
I loved their interaction shown with all that sass. I loved how Cori felt a bit insecure about Kubwa obeying Adam. The bond between Cori & Kubs is nice to read as well.
| h34rt1lly chapter 11 . 5/7
Okay, I'm assuming Kubwa speaking is the epic drop of information in this chapter?
I think my basic critique from the first chapter is relevant to this one as well. I found it kind of difficult to follow the progression and had to re-read a couple of lines just to clarify to myself, "Oh okay, we're here now..." Particularly when Adam walked out of the room Sarif was in.
Your dialogue, again, is probably your strongest point. Unfortunately though, it's overshadowed by the simplicity of your prose. There are rarely any additions to your dialogue, and it almost reads like a script. What descriptive clauses you do have, don't add too much information. For such an important chapter, it could've provided a much stronger impact.
| h34rt1lly chapter 1 . 5/7
This is Lily, from the FB group, by the way.
So I'm not sure if I'll be able to read through your entire story at the moment, as 37 chapters is quite the time investment. But I figure I'll at least leave a review on this chapter, and if there are any particular chapters you'd like me to critique in addition to this one, just let me know.
So I'll start with the negative, that way the review can end on a positive note :)
Much of the story feels very stilted. One of the biggest issues I noticed, is that you jump around quite a bit. For example, in the beginning, first Adam is talking to David. Then it jumps to him speaking to Pritchard, then it immediately jumps to him laying in his room and Megan appears. Subsequently, it switches to Sarif. This makes it incredibly difficult to follow when the scene/setting changes and really cuts up the flow of your chapters. This is a relatively easy fix, you can either do it the fast way and insert line breaks (whether they're FFnet's line or your own version of a line) or you can choose to use your prose to specify when it's happening.
Should you choose to use your prose, it will allow you to be much more descriptive, which leads to my next point. Your chapter reads very play-by-play-y. It's very, 'this happens, this happens and so and so said this, which leads to this happening'-which is great in a plot outline. However, in practice, it doesn't allow you the option to expand and really weave a true 'story'. If you take the time to really flesh out the locations and describe, not necessarily everything but more, in detail, then it'll also hook in your readers more.
Now for the positive! For the most part, your grammar is very good. I saw very little SPaG issues. Just keep an eye out for how to write dialogue tags. A beta reader should be able to help with that, if you don't already have one.
The next positive is that, at 37 chapters, you obviously have quite the plot planned out. Your story progression is obviously happening (it's getting from A to B that could be elaborated on). Again, without reading the remaining chapters, it's hard to be to say whether it's successful or not, but having an end goal is always important. Also, your characterization of Adam, from what I can remember, seems pretty in-character.
With all of that said, I'm glad you're writing this story. As we've discussed, the Deus Ex fandom is sadly minuscule and there really should be more stories for this fantastic game.
| The Wandering Muse chapter 2 . 5/5
I like the mysterious woman and her gigantic pet dog. She sounds like a no - nonsense type of gal and combined with that sass. Is she an OC or canon? I suppose I should begin wiki-ing the characters up...
| The Wandering Muse chapter 1 . 5/5
5 feet tall dogs? Talk about intimidation. I loved your first chapter and your descriptive writing style. It's so detailed that I can just visualize the action. I loved Megan's idea 'helping' Adam sleep. Love the dialogue too.
| Guest chapter 1 . 7/30/2012
This story is really interesting i wish you finished it i really enjoyed reading it.
But the only thing i did not like was i believe 5 foot dog right my personal opinion it should have been smaller