|Reviews for A Snake Goddess and a Doctor|
| LightRayPearlshipper chapter 1 . 6/28/2013
I haven't read it with the lyrics, so I wouldn't know. However, this could be cleaned up a little. At the beginning, you don't need to include the song information. And what is Pokemon Engineering?
| The Generic Ficer chapter 1 . 2/5/2013
Nice one-shot. Why aren't there more LuckShipping fanfics?
| Herr Mach - Der Azur Ritter chapter 1 . 2/4/2013
Magician Conquest, thank you for an honest review. I'll take your advice when writing future stories.
By the way, I am NOT one of those who thinks "Ooh, the title above says 'Fanfiction: unleash your imagination', what are you talking about I can do whatever I want, har har".
| Magician Conquest chapter 1 . 2/3/2013
You might have seen me review one of your buddies and I couldn't help but notice you calling me out on her review page. How cute of you. Absolutely adorable, even.
I decided to review one of your own "contributions" to this site, and it seems I made a rather good choice- this story is riddled with not only literary failures, but is also full of resentment towards a "thought cop". LOL.
Before I start my review, I would like to make something clear to you in terms of our mutual friend who has brought us together through circumstances. Yes, I have given her actual criticism, all of which were very true regarding her word vomit, however, your pal decided any negativeness attached to her literary masturbation must be gone so she deleted, then uploaded them again, in order to rid herself of them. Yes, they were harsh, but how else would one grow to become a better writer? Apparently, she thinks she's "da shiz" and didn't need to be told on her grammar, atrocious and inconsistent story line, not to mention horrific believability towards both canon and real life. I hope you're not like that. Even if you're not, I really don't care.
(I'm not really sorry about the unrelated rant on your review page, but I had to "grab" your pretentious attention somehow. And how else than publicly on one of your own stories?)
Ahem. Now onto yours.
The very first thing I notice is that you despise "thought cops". How cute of you. I scanned over your profile page and I couldn't stop laughing at the irony of it all. I guess you hate yourself then? A tip to the wise: Sarcasm, arrogance, pretentiousness will get you nowhere, except the depths of hate and, as our mutual friend has called it, "cyberbullying".
Your sarcasm is also adorable. No, I haven't seen the original draft of this, however, a good writer, if he at least thinks so, could do without lyrics and still produce a good and grasping story. Yours, however...
It consists of little to no narrative, whatsoever, leaving me dry to imagination with scenery, emotions, body language, general description.
Oooh, now I see why you think so well of our mutual friend's fic. It's almost the same, only you don't use a self created OC, who is not only shallow, but a stuck up retard and thinks being a princess is cool, hurr durr.
If a writer has to resort to brackets during his scarce narrative, that's a major fail. Not only does this deliver a jarring effect to the reading pleasure, it screams of laziness from the writer's side. Think of all the emotion you could have put in when you mention her pokemon. Regret, sadness, pain, anything. I feel none of it in this.
Another thing that sticks out like a sore thumb: dialogue that almost looks like scripted format. This should be banned just for that (awh, shet, thought police strikes again!), but your scarce narrative saves the day. Barely.
Due your scarcity of narrative I have no recollection of time. Do they walk while they talk? Run, maybe? Or perhaps dangle from a tight rope as monkeys fire green apples at them while bulbasaur takes a nap on one of their laps? Who knows, I'm not told of this, and since the writer couldn't care less, it doesn't really matter, does it?
Lastly, if a writer has to resort to putting in information that really actually belongs in the narrative, then that's also very sad. It means that you have no creativity or are very lazy when it comes to writing or both.
If you really do want to become a better writer, then start with your narrative. Tell an actual story with it. No, dialogue does not do that for you. Make the reader connect to your story. Quite frankly, this did not connect with me on any personal level.
One last thing. I devoutly hope you're not one of those who thinks "Ooh, the title above says 'Fanfiction: unleash your imagination', what are you talking about I can do whatever I want, har har". Quite indeed, this is fanfiction and yes, you can unleash your imagination, but remember that there are people here who will voice their opinion and tell you if you're good or bad. FFN is an open source and anyone who wants can publish, which means anyone who wants can also criticize.
| pop9 chapter 1 . 10/4/2012
Here's an idea: How about a story where Lucy dates people other than Brock? (Not to ruin your OTP)
| Hell's Heat chapter 1 . 10/2/2012
Sigh, I'm going to give an honest review not a flame, you're in for a treat ;)
For romance to occur the two people have to go through a process.
1) Attraction, through flirting and teasing, story telling and joking, touch escalation.
2) Qualification, The girl has to qualify to the guy. This allows the girl to think that the guy likes her for a reason other than her looks. Example, "Ok yes your beautiful, but beauty is a common trait now days with make up and surgery, what are the three best things about you other than looks?"
3) Comfort, this stage is where you and the girl build trust with each other. Trust is needed in order for her to have sex with you, depending on whether you want a one nighter or a relationship you can build more or less trust.
4) Seduction, this part is basically getting the V ;)
5) Relationship, now you start working on a relationship. This is totally optional.
Note that this process can be done over an hour or a year, you might want to spend a month on Attraction, or a month on comfort.
2nd Note make sure that during the comfort phase, you also occasionally build attraction.
Think of attraction like a cup with a hole in the bottom and it's slowly draining. As you build comfort jump back to refill the cup every now and then. Too much comfort and not enough attraction leads to just being friends.
- Hell's Heat.
| handymanshipper chapter 1 . 6/6/2012
Its an ok story. At least ya didn't make Brock gay(idk why some want to) or have him go with one of 3 younger girls that travel with hime those ppl disturb me. Im game for any story with Brock that's apporaite for him I don't have paticular ship for him. The story lacks action but other then that is nice and one of least disturbed Brock stories I've read.
| thecowofwisdom chapter 1 . 6/5/2012
I liked it! This shipping needs more stories and yours is awesome. I didn't get to read the original do I can't really tell any difference which is a shame.
And Lucy saying Brocky-boo...nope, i can kinda see it actually, just a tadge creepy!
| Steelrush chapter 1 . 6/1/2012
Brocky-boo...that sounds creepy. QQ
But anyway, it's good to see that Brock found his mate. :)
It sucks that the thought police trolls removed the original, but don't worry, they'll be punished one day.
| Yin-Yang Yoh chapter 1 . 6/1/2012
Question, if they are going to remove fics with song lyrics, wouldn't half of the fics on every section be removed already? I guess not, overaqll, WHERE ARE THE LINE BREAKS? 4.25/5
| drebom chapter 1 . 6/1/2012
Nice! i didn't see the original, which is a shame, but i think this rewrite is pretty good. One thing about it though, is that I just can't see Lucy say something like 'Brocky-boo'. I know it isn't very major, but I thought I might as well say.