|Reviews for The Cave|
| Haraku Hearts chapter 1 . 11/26/2013
This is amazing.
| Kyu-Momo chapter 1 . 5/1/2013
Woo! Great job! :)
| FayeFox chapter 1 . 11/27/2012
there are not so many who favor this pairing I think... but I just love them /
I would really really really ... LOVE a follow up *puppy eyes* please? ;_;
| Lucrecia LeVrai chapter 1 . 11/25/2012
"A 'tough' character reluctantly agrees to have his injuries healed, and the healing session abruptly descends into a making-out session or more." This plot-device has been spawned in fanfiction ad infinitum. No, seriously. If I got a penny every time I saw a story like this, I'd be rich by now.
The lack of originality is not a bad thing in itself. Even an overused plot-device can bring great results if handled with talent, but I'm afraid that's not the case here.
First of all, the story seems to be rushed and missing a clear point, as well as clear structure. I got the impression I was reading a (rushed) build-up for a sex scene, which was suddenly left out. Almost half of the story is focused (wasted, really) on a made-up ability that is completely irrelevant to the main point of the fic, which happens to be... what, exactly? If you wanted to write smut/yaoi, you could have focused on it more - could have gone beyond a single kiss, I mean. If you wanted to focus on the characters and their relationship, instead, it could have also been done better: right now, Arumat and Edge seem like cardboard copies of people, with just basic outlines of personality. At least, they don't seem entirely OOC.
In terms of style, the story doesn't flow smoothly, either. Some sentences sound rather messed up, like ex. "When it comes to healing it's the same thing sort of telling me precise locations, depth, you get the idea and that whatever it is I've picked up on needs to be dealt with" or "For a man who stands and fights Edge had always known that he ran away faster than anyone else from the things that were really important and no one understood that better than Edge, he had done it himself in the past." Utilizing proper commas or breaking longer sentences into shorter ones could be a solution to the problem. Watch out for the typos, too - I caught quite a few of them. Did you even proofread your story before posting it here?
So, just to repeat myself, my advice is as follows. Focus more on:
-the setting (where exactly are your characters, what are they doing, where's the rest of the crew etc. - note: the introduction doesn't have to be very long! sometimes a paragraph or two can suffice);
-the build-up (how did Arumat got injured, how did Edge find the cave etc.);
-characters' reactions and psychology (how does Edge exactly /feel/ about Arumat's self-destructive tendencies? why does he care? how does Arumat feel about the fact that Edge cares? why are they - so all of a sudden - physically attracted to each other? etc.);
-clear sentence structure (will my readers be able to understand me?);
-and proper punctuation/spelling.
| Julius Night chapter 1 . 10/24/2012
Very excellent, sweet lemon, hope you do follow up!
| Guest chapter 1 . 7/9/2012
I haven't finished the game yet, but I couldn't help looking for some fluff for this pairing and this was great so I demand a follow up c:
| BabyBumblebee17 chapter 1 . 7/2/2012
Kawaii! XD PLZ plz plz write more! Im beggin you *on hands and knees* please write more i really like this so far :)
Its really well written and the cgaracters are so in character in my opinion, this is one of the best Arumat-Edge stories ive read and i kove this paring :)
Write more please!
| thedragonguru chapter 1 . 6/26/2012
Oh, yes, please write a follow up! This is wonderful. Lemons are absolutely demanded!
| Dragonfly-Moonlight chapter 1 . 6/24/2012
Well, where do I begin?
It's a very interesting premise. I personally don't mind yaoi, though pairing will play a very big factor in what I read.
Slow your story down. Go back and read over this, because it's giving me some serious eye strain trying to keep up with the fast flow you've set. It's like you want to get all of the ideas out of your head as quickly as possibly so you're NOT paying attention to flow, sentence structure, punctuation, etc . . ., and it's aggravating.
Second, pay attention to the characters involved. Edge is acting very much like Reimi, and I don't find that enjoyable. If the idea is to simply get Edge and Arumat into bed together, then just have Arumat jump his bones, as it were, and get to the point without the unnecessary "healing" set up. As someone who calls himself "Death", I can't imagine Arumat remaining . . . chaste.
I feel that if you go back, re-read over everything and ask someone to help proofread this story, it'll be an excellent piece. It just needs some major editing.