Reviews for Unknown
Lena Rie chapter 1 . 4/25/2013
Interesting short story. I found it to be very informational and not once did you ever mention her name. It takes a lot of effort to not input the narrator's name. Keep up the writing

Lena
DisilludedNight chapter 1 . 2/18/2013
D': Pain can bring people together it seems.
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I love how you showed the character's way of thinking. It was raw, exposed for everyone to read. Further more, you really made me glad that your character had a sense of doubt. When some people write, they write this fantasy where there's no doubt but with this story, reality rings true.

Oh, and. I love your writing style too. 3
SunneRaine chapter 1 . 6/25/2012
Hello hello, look who is back.

You really are amazing. Every time I read a new story by you, I'm convinced that it's your best work. That means that you're making great strides. You never fail to impress me.

From the beginning, I've said that you have a gift for imagery and I see that here. Being a literary student, I love imagery. Imagery rocks my non-existent socks.

It's funny how the most poignant parts of your writing in this story are the parts that most people wouldn't notice. When I was reading this, I was following the main girl's stream of consciousness. I EXPECTED it to be jarring, since you jumped for subject to subject. But the transitions were surprisingly smooth. In fact, I was done reading the story before my mind went, "Wait, that was an interesting format." Being able to achieve a stream of consciousness like that, while delving into character background and emotion, is very hard to do. You have a little Virginia Woolf in you.

I haven't read the original story, so I can't offer much critique. I also have an indifference towards Shitenhouji in general because I feel that they're mostly pretty faces and blank slates.

So, as usual, some word choice changes?

"Yukari-chan a particularly poisonous flower when we were little," he says, his voice droning.

I'm going to blunt. I hate the word "droning" here. For me, droning invokes images of boredom, sleepiness, and apathy. This is the opposite of what you want to portray. What is Shiraishi FEELING at this point? There's definitely guilt; and you showed me that in Kazuki's analysis of him. He hates himself for it. You also mentioned a dullness to his eyes. GOOD. Rather than boredom, I get NUMBNESS. Numbness comes from great pain. Show me that in his voice. The way I see it, play it either way – either go casual, like a forceful cheer, or strained like a whisper. Or even neutral might work. He could be trying to detach himself from the memory.

I don't know if the original author was the one to come up with his sister getting poisoned by accident, but that is a BRILLIANT explanation for his hobby. If it was you, you just gave depth to a character that Konomi didn't even bother with, so major props. It physically tugs at your heart, that line. (Besides the word "droning". I really hate that word.)

"She hates herself for not knowing a thing, for not considering his feelings, for being oblivious to how much he could have beaten himself up for her sake, for their sake, and how she's such a horrible, horrible pers–"

I also don't care for this line. Again, I can't say much for the original plot or character of Kazuki herself, but here she just comes off as whiny and self loathing, in an almost annoying way. The first thing that comes to mind is fyerigurl's Izumi, actually. I think I need you to ease me in here. Give me a little backstory.

(Maybe it doesn't matter, since this oneshot was directed towards readers of the original story, anyways)

The kiss is surprising but not unexpected. Well written, though a tad cliche, but most kiss scenes are so I won't berate you here. I LOVE it when you describe the way he smells. In general, I just love the winter-spring symbolism here.

When I'm reading your oneshots, sometimes I'm looking for an extra OMPH. I get really excited as I'm reading but there's a small sliver of disappointment when I don't see the OMPH-y line that I'm looking for. Does that make sense? I want to see a final line, something that ties it all together. When you use the metaphor of the seasons changing, I want to see a line like, "So she clutches his arm and closes her eyes, praying for spring to come quickly." When you mention that she doesn't want to cry in front of him, I'm looking for something like, "It's his turn to be vulnerable, not hers." I think the reason I get so drawn in and HORRIBLY ANNOYINGLY NITPICKY is because I really appreciate your writing.

"… boy who is no Bible and very much human."

YES. Brilliant. I love it when people deconstruct the perfect images. You do have a talent with that – with Yukimura and Shiraishi both. And this reads very, very much like a character study.

I bet you could even write a character study on Yagyuu. I've never seen a good Yagyuu OC.

One last thing I would like to suggest an improvement is character interaction. They seem a tad awkward. Even when she teases him about being bigheaded, the words sound forced. I don't want more dialogue since I think the sparse dialogue is perfect as it is. Maybe reconsider the flow here.

So that's what I'll leave you with. Hope you don't mind my rambling.

SunneRaine
ChainedHs2rt chapter 1 . 6/15/2012
this is tear-jerkingly beautiful
idiosyncrasies chapter 1 . 6/3/2012
This fanfic is really good and I love how you write Shiraishi here! XD
fyerigurl chapter 1 . 6/3/2012
ALDKLjfldKJFLDJF looooove

I remember discussing this with you and I loved your idea from the beginning! I was curious at how you were going to execute it, and I'm so glad that this is the product because it is amazing.

This is lovely. It reads really smoothly, but has undertones of angst. You know how much we like those. :D I'm almost starting to see a sort of doro-inspired description in your writing, except it's not really doro - I guess this is YOU and tensai, you are amazing, and I look up to your writing ability.

The kissing scene. I like it. :D

I don't know EP's story that well, but from what I gather you filled in a few plot holes or put your own twist on things. I do like that a lot. I feel like I can understand the feelings of both characters despite not knowing the OC and Konomi not giving us much info on Shiraishi to begin with. You write the OC really well. I know she's not your character, but something about her makes her instantly likable. She's softspoken and gentle and I like her. I can't say much on whether Shiraishi was IC or not since I don't know enough about him, but I like your version of Shiraishi either way.

Like always, I enjoy these little oneshot/ficclets of yours. It definitely suits your style. This is going on my favs list.
Frog-kun chapter 1 . 6/3/2012
OH HI THERE PRINCE OF TENNIS FANDOM IT'S BEEN A WHILE HASN'T IT

So, um, yeah, I feel a little bad that I barely know any of the characters you're writing about here, but I'll get over it. And really, for characters I know barely anything about, they feel pretty well depicted here. The girl feels like a blank slate, but in the good way that characters feel like blank slates - she has that universal quality in her that anyone can relate to, and I like that. Shiraishi comes across as rather complex here, although, perhaps, a bit too aloof. Even that kiss doesn't really do much to bring him closer, and the story is rather sparse on details concerning their actual interplay. They talk, but they don't really TALK. It's mostly just pure analysis on her end, and I feel that's probably the major letdown of the fic.

On the other hand, I still can't believe how incredibly smooth the descriptions were here. You've really improved at how you phrase things here. There's a kind of confidence in your writing style now, and I find myself really liking it. The line about the snow stuck out to me the most, and I love how smoothly you transition from the description to story progression. Yes, very well done here.

Keep up the good work. You've raised the bar here with your writing here. Don't let your guard down!
Papilio.Ageha chapter 1 . 6/3/2012
Your writing style is really beautiful! The characters are deep and you got her personality right. I found it funny that I've once planned to write a birthday fic for Shiraishi in this universe and Kouki also had problem in finding the right present. Perhaps it's just so "her", worrying about unnecessary things.

Aw, he's just such a nice big brother, doing all of these for Yukari.

I imagined his arm was just like Tezuka's, all red and swollen... And that's really heart breaking ;A;

Anyway I really love this! I hope other readers will read this too.