|Reviews for Croc Tower II: The Struggle Within|
| Jill chapter 1 . 6/10/2012
Okay the basic plot: fantastic. Writing isn't spectacular, but I think if you work on it, it'll be great. Be sure to include a lot of detail. Tell us how everything looks, try to get us to get the same picture you see in your mind while writing when we read.
Since you're writing in first person narration, include how Pinkie feels about what's going as much as possible. Similes work well for conveying feelings in a way that readers can understand and relate to, even though they haven't been through the same experience, i.e.:
"I felt the rage well up in my tummy, and my hooves began to sweat. I felt like I was going to overflow with anger.
'Take. It. Back.' I growled in final warning. My voice sounded different, even to my own ears. Lower, now. Serious. I was ready, quite literally, to rip their heads off."
See how you can emphasize with the character, although you have hopefully never experienced the same kind of rage? Shoot for that. As an author you have to not only captivate, but engage you reader, because if I can't feel and understand what the character is feeling, it won't be a fun read.
Another tip, pull your favorite books off the shelf and remind yourself why you like them. Read your favorite scenes over and over and notice how the author sets the mood of them. Ask yourself why they put certain words in certain orders (even try mixing up sentences and adding words of your own so that they say the same basic thing, but read differently, and see if and how it affects the scene.), and why did they include this detail, and how does it all come together. Take note and try to use some of the same techniques in your own writing (However, do not just rip off another author's style. Try to use a variety of authors if you choose to do this, see how you can combine techniques and styles and put your own spin on them.).
'Nother tip. Writing for other people's characters can be hard, because you didn't get to create and define them, so you don't get to know them as well as you get to know your own. If you find yourself questioning whether Pinkie Pie is in character, go back and watch an episode in which she plays a large role. Take note of everything. Ask yourself why she would do that, and what the writers were trying to convey there. Afterwards, reread your passage and see if it coincides. With Pinkamena, you can't really do this, as she only appears for a short time, and is not displayed as darkly as you are displaying her. Just try to make sure her actions coincide with the character you establish, when you get as far as to have established her.
Final tip. Reread drafts. Never, Never, NEVER post something you haven't proofread. Read it several times. I usually try to sleep on it and reread it the next day in order to assure myself it's as good as I can get it.
Now for praise:
Element of harmony was a fantastic detail. Be sure to remind the readers that it's there, though, or we may forget why she's not throwing a shit-storm, because we're stupid like that. Just include little details like "I sat waiting for him to pick me up, periodically adjusting the heavy necklace to busy myself."
Okay, the scene where Pinkie doesn't know what D.I.D. is, ADORABLE! Very Pinkie-ish, and very well done.
The fact that the element can be canceled out was a nice touch, it leaves room for suspense. You might even have her get frustrated with it, or forget it at home, and have her go on a bit of a rampage, but it's your fic, so don't let me make you feel obligated to do so. Follow your muse and all.
In the end, this fic shows a lot of potential, and I really think your writing will only get better as it goes along (as writing almost always does in fanfiction. First chapters are almost always a bad representation of the fiction, as the writing can improve drastically in just one chapter.) I hope you'll consider my advice. I'm looking forward to the next installment.