|Reviews for Layla May Lee|
| god of all chapter 1 . 6/16/2012
Great chapter and story so far please continue this story soon.
| Quaternary chapter 1 . 6/6/2012
Seeing things from a chi-blocker's perspective could be very interesting. I'd suggest reading some books and emulating the writing styles. Yours is nice enough, but the action parts and descriptors can come off flat. The two parts that jump out to me are when Korra sics Naga on Tahno, and the scuffle between Layla and Tahno.
In the former, you wrote "Instead of hitting him she whistled and the head of her polar bear dog came through the window to growl at Tahno causing him to scream and take a weak defense stance." There are several things that could make this gel much better. Mainly, some commas to indicate pauses and clauses and all that junk. As it is now it's just a run-on sentence. Plus keeping in mind the lore of the world is helpful. Korra is the first person to ever tame a polar bear dog, so the chances that Layla would recognize her for what she is are slim, meaning she wouldn't call Naga a polar bear dog in the description. And third, the description of Tahno's reaction. Spice it up some, you know?
"Instead of knocking him flat, she took a deep breath and whistled loud enough for the whole bar to turn to them. A giant dog head rammed through the window behind her, growling savagely. Tahno nearly fell over himself reeling back. Quickly fixing his hair, he recomposed himself, threw his hands up, and led his posse away, trying to preserve what tiny bits of dignity he may still have thought he had."
See? Just a little more oomph.
The second one, the fight, could be improved much the same way. The thing to keep in mind about fight scenes is that they transpire quickly, which means keeping the imagery vivid and rapid.
"He got angry and started flinging waterbending at me and I dodged every attack."
"He continued his attacks and soon enough I knew he wouldn't stop. So I came in close and punched up his and down his leg cutting off his bending in those areas. I then moved to the other side and did the same thing to cut off all his bending. He slouched to the ground and passed out."
Now, taking into account my suggestions, you could write this in a much more exciting way. Perhaps, since Layla's got some experience fighting benders, you could also make Tahno's drunkenness apparent through sloppier bending?
"'Have I ever told you you've got beautiful eyes?' He was way too close to me now, but the final straw was a sloppy caress of my cheek. I slapped him. The big pretty boy tottered back and put up his dukes.
'Tahno, really? You had like four cactus juices. Don't do anything you woul-'
He swung his arm forward. A puddle of rainwater came to life and arced up at me. Sidestepping the attack, I glared at him.
'C'mon, Layla. Jus' come hooome with me.' He probably thought he was letting me have it, but weaving through his attacks was actually much better exercise than balancing trays all day. I was just starting to have fun when he suddenly stood heels-together, bent his knees and came up just rapidly, bringing two whips of water up.
'Okay, down you go. Can't have you messing up Narook's.' I charged, stepping through his water whips and getting right in his face. I jabbed the crook of his arm, the base of his wrist and several other choice places. He swung around to try and get at me with his other side, but I ducked under the wave of water and jabbed his legs and his other arm.
Tahno collapsed in a stupor. I'd really love to say I left him there to cool off, but I slung him over my shoulder and took him home, cursing my better nature.'
That's just one of the thousands of possible ways you could have gone. It's really all about conveying the most interesting situation you possibly can. It's apparent from what you've got already that you have the chops, but I'd love for you to try and incorporate what I'm saying into your writing to make it better.
The one final thing I've got to comment on is the way the first half of the chapter is organized. There's lot's of talking, but not much being described. The most important thing to remember when your writing starts looking like this is that there are other things going on it the background, or that character's expressions change when they speak, and they react to things being said.
| SamoaCookie chapter 1 . 6/6/2012
This story feels like it;s going to be Tahnoxoc. Not that I mind, I think this story is off to a great start! Keep it up!
| KitKatSnake chapter 1 . 6/6/2012
I really like this. I'll agree its a little slow but that's to be expected at the beginning of any story. Can't wait for the next chapter. Keep up the good work.