|Reviews for Soul Collector|
| DualKatanas chapter 1 . 6/7/2012
Given that the summary is the bit that largely determines whether someone will read your fic, you need to improve this one for definite. It doesn't give much information about the characters, the plot... not much, really. You don't want to be giving the entire plot away, true, but you need to be giving us more of an idea about what's going to happen, because at the moment, it doesn't look very interesting.
Now, onto the meat. Firstly, I'll note that you don't need 'By the Mighty Lu Bu' because your name is at the top of the page anyway... not a change I agree with, that, but when have the FF autocrats ever cared about what we think...? Anyhow, the fic. First thing I noticed was that 'A Falkreath Guard' seems ingameish and slightly out of place. 'A guardsman of Falkreath/the Falkreath hold' sounds easier to the ears. My ears, at least.
And because I'm always particularly nitpickish in the first paragraph: 'a group of bandits, who'd been harassing travelers' - That part flows a lot better without that comma there. I used to use far too many commas, but now I've slimmed down and I've noticed the improvement when reading back over older chapters. Later in the same sentence, you don't need the comma after 'guard it', for the same reason.
You can SOMETIMES get away with using numbers (such as in 4E 201 and such) but definitely not in this '2 years' case. This is writing and so thus it should be 'two years'. Also worth noting is that beyond this point, you don't need any more commas at any place in this paragraph, so you could lose three there...
'Now, he stood onto of a wooden structure,' - Firstly, you don't need the first comma, and secondly, I think you mean 'on top' or something else, rather than 'onto', because at the moment that bit doesn't make sense. Also, unless the bandits are an organised, well-known faction with the name of 'Bandits', they don't need a capital.
'as you could' sounds very conversational; it's like Orndon is talking to us when he doesn't actually know we exist. Sometimes, this kind of thing can work, but it doesn't here. Use something else, such as 'archers could be stationed on top' or something similar.
'Orndon felt the cold air press against his face, under his helmet' - Unnecessary comma there, and this reminds me that we don't actually have a description of Orndon yet... though if he's only going to live for a few seconds, we admittedly don't need much of one.
'He watched as the air coming out of his mouth, as it would freeze in the air.' - This is so tense-confused and jumbled that I think you need to rewrite the entire sentence... I know what you're TRYING to say, but the execution is dismal.
In fact, this entire paragraph is dismal... 'It was at least, a quiet night; not that he wouldn't prefer to be back in the barracks. Why he volunteered for this, he didn't know. But here he was, waiting for the sun, or those bandits, whichever came first, didn't seem to come soon enough.' - Firstly, for once you need a comma (just after 'It was' at the start). That second sentence would work far better (to my eyes) as: 'He had no idea why he had volunteered for this,' with the full stop removed and a comma leading on to combine it with the next sentence, which showcases your poor comma use. You don't need the comma after 'sun', and the comma after 'first' would work much better as a full stop, because the last bit really should be its own sentence, something like this: 'It couldn't come soon enough'. Something along those lines would vastly improve the flow and appearance of this paragraph.
'he turned around with his sword at' - 'out' rather than 'at' there, methinks; it's one of those errors that spellcheckers won't help you with. It's inevitable that some of these slip through.
'There was nothing there, was he imagining things?' - That comma works a lot better as a semi-colon. And then 'Maybe he'd been out here too long' would work a lot better, in my opinion, if you changed 'he'd' to 'I've' and italicised it, making it a thought. Makes these things a lot more personal, and it looks better.
No capital needed for 'figure', and as for the rest of the sentence... well, I'd recommend ending the first part with a full stop after 'coldly' and making the rest a separate sentence, reworking it a bit. Still too many commas... Still, at least it's good to find some semblance of description, though I'd hope we're getting more soon...
Two 'The's starting consecutive paragraphs here. Try to avoid that to stop it becoming listish. And while I appreciate that this gaze might be one of utter malevolence, I'd have thought a guardsman would have enough of a backbone to not be trembling right now. And why isn't he stabbing him or raising the alarm...? Some spell?
No need for the capitalisation of either 'Ebony' or 'Dagger'. And while I'd prefer to point out the grammatical improvements you could make, I'm halfway to the character limit already, so I'll have to cut things a bit shorter than I'd like... I'll say, though, that you need 'pour' instead of 'poor' here.
Use italics to denote shouting rather than caps. Looks far better and less amatuerish, as caps are highly prominent. If it's in italics with an excalamation mark with the appropriate speaking verb, we know it's a shout (though not a Shout).
Another ingameism... 'Elven' and 'Short Sword' don't need capitals, and 'shortsword' is one word despite what your word processor is telling you.
Your action could definitely use more flesh to it; describe what's happening more, how they're fighting, though I do appreciate that this is a very brief encounter. And, as always, I'll note that you need to clean up a lot of those unecessary commas...
Scaled Traveller... while no Argonian name, that's definitely a name an Argonian could make use of, and in this case it already sounds fitting. Still too many commas, though.
'Warrior', 'Bow', 'Steel Arrow'... no capitals needed for any of them.
Stringing an arrow? Odd... that might be legitimate, I'm not sure, but stringing involves attaching the bowstring to a bow, at least in my understanding. Getting an arrow ready to fire is nocking. Also... 'not taking time to watch it soar through the arrow' - methinks you wanted to use a different word than 'arrow' for that last word...
'Warhammer' is one word and doesn't need a capital, along with 'Steel', 'Elven', 'War', 'Axe', 'Plate', or 'Armour'... you probably know the drill by now. :P Anyhow, the action is a bit simplistic, but not the worst I've ever seen. I'll note, however, that the Shout is 'Fus Ro Dah' (Ro, not Ra), and if there was ever a thing that deserved caps, it was actual Shouting... even if not that, italics would do. Leaving it in normal font might make people think she was just speaking normally.
I was about to question how even an Orc can get up with an axe embedded in his brain, then he fell over again... anyhow, that action could improve, definitely, but it has potential. It's just blighted at the moment with this massive comma overload.
Again, numbers. 'a hundred' and 'two hundred and fifty' look better than '100' and '250'.
Anyhow, overall... definitely not good (It's not the worst in this fandom by any means, but as you know yourself, that's not exactly saying much...). One of your main problems is your punctuation: you simply use far too many commas, even more than me back in my horrendous early days. Get them right and it'll look a lot better, the flow will improve, and the action will be able to run more freely in our heads as well. Your language could definitely immprove as well; right now, it's too simple, and sometimes you most definitely over-explain and add things you don't need to (example: 'which was in the direction of Falkreath').
Description's another problem, being largely non-existent. I'm assuming that Scaled Traveller is going to be important, but what do we know about her appearance? Absolutely nothing. We need to be able to visualise her in order for this entire fic to work, but at the moment, we can only guess as to her appearance. What's she wearing, height, build, notable features, eyes... all that sort of thing is very much required here.
Seems that I've got over a thousand characters in reserve, but I could have filled most of that and more just by pointing out the unnecessary commas that I didn't point out... sort them out, because they're a major problem (and here is why I never write an entire fic before posting it; if it's inherently flawed, you have to extensively re-edit the entire thing, which I'm guessing you have to do now if all your chapters are as bad as this). Sort them out, add a lot of description and then... we can go from there.