|Reviews for Hidan Gaiden|
| Psyco Angel chapter 8 . 9/20/2012
| AverageApple chapter 2 . 6/17/2012
Hi there! I'm your first reviewer apparently, so I'll try to make this good! Oh, and by good, I mean good constructive criticism, not a bunch of compliments stringed together to help boost your ego. Alright, lets begin! :)
First of all, while the story does seem to have a good plot, the plot isn't put together very well. There isn't a "flow" to the story, if you know what I mean. The idea is original, but you fail to get your readers' attention.
The story has no structure, and that makes the fanfic hard to read. Your paragraphs are too long. Each paragraph should talk about a separate topic. Your paragraphs will have several different topics all mashed together, and that can get very annoying.
This one isn't really that big a deal, but it still bothered me a little bit - the rating. If you're going to use so many curse words, the rating should be T and not K plus. Just saying.
This one is important, so pay attention! When you're writing dialogue, make sure that the dialogue sentences aren't mixed together with other paragraphs. I'll give you an example of what I'm talking about, just so you won't be confused.
They can think all they want, it's their damn opinion. He slowly continued walking down the street. He took the second left turning, past the hotel. His house, a little wooden hut he has lived in since he knows for himself, was a few meters away.
"Ugh, this d*mn sh*t, it'll rot away in no time!" He thought as he entered the house...
(That was taken directly from you fanfic, by the way.)
Grammatical errors galore! I saw quite a few in the first and second chapters, and I'm guessing that there's more in the next two chapters. Try to check over your chapters before you post them, it might make the story easier to read.
Well, that's all I can think to say about it. I thought I had more, but I guess I was wrong! Oh well.
If this seemed harsh, it wasn't meant to be, I'm just trying to help you improve! I myself am a new writer, and you can tell by looking at my stories that I have a long way to go before I can classify myself as a "good" author.
My advice to you would be to read. READ, READ, READ, and READ some more. I promise that will help you!
Good luck! Nobody starts off perfect, remember that. :) Oh, and if you would like some more advice, feel free to PM me. I have lots of free time and am always willing to help!