|Reviews for Technicolor Eyes in Tiny Cities of Ash|
| LeanaVine chapter 1 . 4/24
This had its ups and downs. Definitely not bad, though.
| JJ chapter 1 . 3/24/2013
This one-shot was well-written; but I don't feel like this Snake is the Snake from Metal Gear Solid. It might be the context of the worlds these individual Snakes are in but, and I find this true in most Smash Bros. stories, Snake seems to have forgotten everything he learned or the ideals he expressed in the Metal Gear series.
| kyouko chapter 1 . 11/26/2012
That was, undoubtedly, one of the deepest one-shots I've ever read. Your characters are fully developed and totally believable. I love the italics you have about burning bridges. Those are so deep.
I love the way you guys write together. You write with such emotion and it's incredible. The characters are portrayed amazingly, especially Snake and Zelda/Sheik. Or, I'm assuming her true form is Sheik...
The scene where he meets her for the first time in the storm was incredibly deep. I enjoyed that scene, Zelda's vagueness and dodgy answers. It was perfect.
This dialogue here:
"Frankly, my dear, I don't give a damn."
"I know, Snake. I know. And that's the problem with it all."
That was just...perfect. I can't explain it, but it was perfect.
I don't typically read Snake/Zelda, but this story was just fantastic. I have to add it to my favorites. xD
Keep being awesome, both you and Araceli!
| Dominus Tenebrosus chapter 1 . 11/4/2012
Well gee. Thanks for that cheery, if accurate intro bit. :P
Forgetful Snake is forgetful.
Well. Just... Well.
Most people aren't used to hearing it like that in that situation, Mr. lack-of-tact.
Well, he deserved that. And deserves it, if so.
"Time didn't flow by..." A fair point raised there.
Considering what came before, L's arrival has got to be reeeeaaaally annoying for him.
...Yeah, good timing there, L.
Man. Snake, dude, just... Agh, I got nothin'.
Sounds like a nice place, that. All floaty and things.
"He sighed loudly,..." -He's such a confused character, isn't he?
It's a good question. Hm. Trust can be such a weakness, but at the same time... Hm.
Nope, not in your head, dude.
Hm. Someone whom has only now come out and said that.
Don't make a promise you can't keep, boy.
And here we come to the bits that you wrote, then. Let's see if I can tell the difference.
Hm. There is something different there... Different writing tone. Can't be avoided, I suppose. Interesting to see it at work, though.
Heh. No, he wouldn't be sure of that.
Heh. Now there's a good question, why _did_ he sign up for it?
Well, judging from the summary bits, he's already off the mark there; dismissed her out of hand, even.
Hm. What happened to them, I wonder?
Hmm... Probably a bad idea to go there. Just a hunch, somehow.
Well, interesting wrinkle.
Yes, yes I imagine she would understand.
Heh. Again with promises we're not sure he can keep. Hm.
Huh. Did he just realize something, then? Seems like he might have caught on, all things considered.
Heh. Guess not. Well. In time, then.
Well well. He showed up. Guess I'm not surprised, even though I'm sort of surprised. Hm. Contradictions!
Bit of SPAG for you: "while she wasn't quite her she" -Not sure what's going on there, actually, but it doesn't flow right. I think there's a wrong word there.
Heh. Well, you brought that one on yourself, I think.
Yeah, wasn't particularly classy of L.
Repetition of earlier concepts; I like it.
Yes, don't burn that particular bridge. Heh. You promised.
Heh. And here's a good place to come to some realizations, I think.
Odd? But it should be natural, due to... Heh. Well.
Guess he intends to keep that promise, then. Well.
Heh. When the dam breaks, it breaks.
Well. Huh. Not sure what to say to all that. Transform-y.
Hmm. So... Hm. Slightly different persons, interesting... But same person. Uh. Hm.
Ending on a high note, I see.
Well! it was interesting to see how the styles changed from one writer to another... Though I have to say the change was somewhat subtle. Enough of a change that it's noticeable, but not enough to be distracting. Hm. Though I wonder if I would have noticed if you hadn't pointed it out, thinking on it. :P
That all said... Hm. I have to wonder at the viability of such a relationship. It's all good at the start, sure, but... Such things built like that, on such a small time scale... Well, the tendency is to not last. Hm. Though, it _can_ last, too. Hm.
Well either way, good stuff. :)
| legendofzelda13 chapter 1 . 9/16/2012
This was great, and I totally agree with the phrase "Life's a bitch". It literally put my thoughts into words, and I have enjoyed this fanfiction, one of, unfortunately, very few ZeldaxSnake fanfictions. I hope I read some more of your fanfictions!
| The Death Frisbee chapter 1 . 7/5/2012
Hey there! I know this is a joint piece, but I will review the work as a whole. For the record, it stood together well between the two writing styles. There is a difference if I stand back from the piece and think about it, but it melds together nonetheless, since I actually have to think about it to realize that it's two different people.
I liked the characterization of Snake - I don't know the character, but he didn't feel too sentimentalized or hero-worshipped in this piece, and that's a good sign. He was a sufficiently compelling protagonist to tide through 8K words.
I think the italicized section at the start would read better if it were incorporated into the narrative. It feels a little disjointed as a standalone passage. Similarly, your ending lines of the main text are strong - I do not think you need the italicized epilogue-ish paragraph.
Paragraphing of dialogue: When you broke before 'I don't like you,' I was momentarily confused and thought Samus had said that. Keep characters' actions and their dialogue in the same paragraphs, assuming they're the only ones acting.
And he liked being invisible. There were less people to look at him. - doesn't make sense. I think you mean something along the lines of 'And he liked being invisible. There were less people who could see him.'
The dialogue between the mystery voice and Snake is crucial to get right, and you got it right. Nice, sparse hand with the description in that section - I thought it was particularly strong.
Yeah, it was definitely inside his head - The 'yeah' jars and feels too informal, given the rest of the narration. Easy fix, though. Make it 'yes' instead.
The bold text just before the section break felt unnecessarily formatted, even though it's to indicate a switch of writers.
The reverse gobbet (using a title in the narration of the piece) was sufficiently buried to not feel cheesy - if you'd started out the narration with it, I'd have rolled my eyes, but it works halfway in because it's more subtly placed.
Christ's sakes/Lord knows (which should be knew) - does Christ exist in the gameworld? It jumped out at me as RL intrusion.
Good pacing throughout; this is a lot to read but doesn't feel draggy or slow.
At times, you use too unspecific wording - there are a lot of 'things' for instance - that would be more useful for the reader if it were more specified.
I was expecting some sort of Haruki Murakami-esque 'Dancing Dwarf' twist (read it as I won't spoil), and I'm not really sure what happened there. Is it Zelda who has the alternate identity, or the alternate who has Zelda as an identity? This may be addressed in canon, so disregard if my confusion is clear to readers inside your genre.
Strong ending line to the main text, as mentioned before. Over 8K words outside of my fandom takes a lot for me to not turn away from it, but even if it weren't for Review Tag, I'd have probably read this, so take that as a compliment.
Hope all this is helpful!
Most people thought depressed people.../... hindsight was always.../So depressed was definitely the wrong word, he decided... (tense shift)
The 'you's in the ensuing paragraph jar - put them in third person.
The boarding house name normally shouldn't be italicized.
"Snake! Snake!" A bright voice sliced cleanly...
... the jumping Luigi, who grinned up at him...
Snake didn't say anything, though he felt his stomach twist a little bit...
Snake walked... as soon as it turned... (tense shift)
... weren't all dreams that way? Wasn't that... (tense shift)
More yous in the 'thrust himself out of the dream' paragraph. tense shift there too. I won't comment on most of the tense shift/yous beyond here, but scan through the rest of it for both of them. This is in past, so your narration, even it involves the reader, and even if it involves thoughts Snake is having during the action, should be in past-tense.
Also consider whether you need the 'you's wherever they crop up, or if they could be more easily read if incorporated into the narration a little more.
lived every day just like anybody else. (no comma - comma implies that he lived, and so did everybody else, not a comparison)
It had no effect on him/It wouldn't affect him - too similar, too closely together (but thanks for knowing the difference between effect and affect!)
for your simple curiosity,/It was a curious answer - repeated word, too closely together
"Is it you or me that's fought for my words?" - ungrammatical, awkward. Maybe 'Is it you or I who has fought for my words?'
The wind whistled around them (tense shift)
This wasn't something he ever thought about, never mind actually finding a reason. - ungrammatical, but a simple 'found' or 'discovered' wouldn't work here. Rephrase the second clause if you can find a better way to put it in past tense.
"If you want me to."
... reject reality altogether. It would not just reject the interactions... but it would also completely deny... (grammar edits)
that sometimes Snake was, he would admit,
sometimes so - sometimes is listed twice there; choose one. Tense shift and yous again.
all right (two words)
Her poetic words - huge sentence. Cut it up into a couple.
"insides" (from 'It was a good few hours) is repeated twice, too closely together.
Not that it had been fulfilling before.
what he had been thinking, signing up for this in the first place.
Definitely not Samus, that was for sure.
didn't think it was Zelda, because it didn't seem like her voice.
assist fighter grammatical in-canon? I'd have expected 'assistant' fighter.
He couldn't logically... - This sentence has a comma splice.
"the smoke around another city of ash stranded by a broken bridge above an empty chasm of black" - I like the description, but it reads awkwardly thanks to all the prepositions. Can you rephrase keeping the important words?
He didn't even know her name - capitalize.
... before asking, "Were you here before?"
... a pit in his chest that led (past-tense) into a black hole.
Not that easily. - missing a period.
as she replied, "It's a funny thing.
... for a few minutes, and he wanted...
he whispered, "Good night."
not involvedly speaking. - don't follow, rephrase
dancers of all sorts
"Why did we even bother entering?" he nearly growled.
... taking the liberty to take his hand and say, "Let's head outside."
anaesthesiac - you used American spelling earlier.
something that was quite different than her.
- her what? Clarify
In the 'he felt odd' paragraph, italicize the 'her' so it's clear that the 'her's do not refer to Zelda.
before admitting, "That's always been...
"But..." she hesitated again - missing paragraph space.
| Mystical chapter 1 . 6/9/2012
Pretty good here, MOD and Araceli. It's interesting how you portrayed putting Zelda and Snake together in this (I've never read a fic with this pairing in it until now), and it's true...Life can seriously shove you in a ditch, but you have to decide whether you're going to burn that bridge or not.
| DefinitelyNotRob chapter 1 . 6/9/2012
... Well damn. Maybe you two should try writing stuff like this more often.
| Tune4Toons chapter 1 . 6/9/2012
Another one already? Or maybe I'm just slow. :/
And we're thrust into this mind-warping mind-set Snake carried. The metaphors remain pretty strong throughout the story. He is out of place compared to the rest, and likes it that way, as shown by his clothes and behavior. Luigi and Snake work well together as complete opposites. …Heh, let me rephrase that: Luigi is /completely/ opposite from Snake. The dream really stood out. It's as if he only wishes to actually be in love with Samus instead of pretend, but it being a dream, it'll never be. I like the hints of Zelda being dropped here and there. Stuck burning bridges because he didn't want to /feel/. A lovely surprise. Even though it was expected, it was still surprising all the same. Reality bending from uncertain dreams, my gosh, what to think. Likes them both, though differently.
Mhm, you can see the difference between both of your styles. That narration voice writers carry. Hard to describe until it's read.
Beautiful work as always. Glad to see you're up and running. Almost missed it, but glad I didn't. Cheers!