|Reviews for The Fated Meeting|
| Heya chapter 1 . 11/9/2012
I like parts of this but I keep getting distracted by your tendency to use words wrong. Such as your vs you're. Your is possessive, like it's your story or it's your happiness exc. You're is a shortened form of "you are."
The passage that I spotted this problem in reads: "I mean look at you, your pathetic. Your not even using this body to its fullest your just a sack of walking potential."
When it should read "I mean look at you, you're pathetic. You're not even using this body to its fullest. You're just a sack of walking potential." I also broke up the last sentence there because it was run on. None of those are possessive you see. They all could read "You are pathetic...you are not even using...You are just a sack of..." just as easily.
Also you use the word "thou" where you probably meant to use "though" in one of the next passages. "Thou" is an old English phrase similar to saying "you." "Though" is sort of like "despite." Further on you use "of" in a spot that you probably meant to use "off." "Off" is the spelling for like turning something "on" and turning something "off." Also you tend to use awkward phrasing for some things and several more run on sentences. Periods are good to use on occasion.
Later on you use "waist" which is the word for your hips more or less. "Waste" is the word you were looking for, as in he's wasting his potential. Ill instead of I'll.
There's a ton of other places and you may want to work a little bit on your dialogue. Much of it feels forced, but it seems to me your greatest problem is run on sentences. That and you really should credit Fullmetal Alchemist for that quote, since that is almost verbatim what Kimbley said. You'll probably get many more people wanting to read your work if you were to just fix your grammatical problems and faulty word usage. Published work should be looked over carefully, even beta'd if you can find someone willing to work with you.
| Noel the Mermaid chapter 1 . 9/18/2012
Great story, I really like it... The fight descriptions were very good... The idea of how would be the first meeting between Sora and Vanitas was great, I had always thought about it... :)
| Rodrigo Perez chapter 1 . 6/11/2012
Nice job with the fight descriptions, but Ven's heart was still to weak for either one of them to meet Sora at this time, whether it's after his Mark of Mastery or before. All in all, though, excellent job.
| BlackSpiderman 4 chapter 1 . 6/10/2012
Very nice one-shot!
I love Sora and Vani and this felt perfect!
Also, Kudos on the FMA:B reference!
| OmniaVanitas chapter 1 . 6/10/2012
the idea is very cool and the fight is epic. love it.
however you really need to proofread your writing as it contains so many spelling and grammar errors. a bit more spell-checking won't hurt.
BTW, where did you find the cover pic for this fic? I'm a big fan of Sora and Vanitas too and I'd love to see a larger pic of it. looks very cool.