|Reviews for Howl of the Halfa|
| marko37713 chapter 1 . 7/12/2012
Um... Hi. I liked the idea and I'll have to read the rest... but I think there's a few things that I think you should on. First, you are using WAY too meny commas. Commas are used to separate two adjectives that describe the subject of the scentance, and to separate words and word groups with a series of three or more nouns to avoid confusion.
For example: 'He was a strong, hearty man.' And, 'Alison was sick of being shot, stabbed, burned, and electricuted.' Commas make the scentance easier to read, using too much or too little can confuse a reader, and cause them to get lost.
So, instead of: "Athena, had finished unpacked her things, and putting them where, she wanted them at in the room."
Use, "Athena had finished unpacked her things, and putting them where she wanted them at in the room." See? It's a little easier to read.
There is also your scentience structer, I think it's a little off. You seem to be using too meny run-on sentiances.
Instead of, "A friend of hers give it to me when I was a baby," she said to her they talk some more, for a bit later Sam, left Athena's room. And went back to Danny's, room; Athena, went back to working on her drawing; Sam, came back in Danny's room.
Use, ""A friend of hers give it to me when I was a baby", she said, carring on the conversation. A little while later Sam left Athena's room, and made her way back to Danny's, leaving Athena to continue her drawing."
Or maybe, insted of: "They got up from the couch; Athena, grab her book bag up from, the floor she followed Mrs. Fenton, upstairs down the hall. And into the room where Athena's, things are at; "if you need anything don't bother to ask us", she said to her."
Use, "Athena grabbed her bookbag from the floor and followed Mrs. Fenton up the stairs, down the hall, and into her new room. Athena's things were alreaty there, stacked in boxes on the ground. 'If you need anything, don't hesitate to ask,' Maddie said, as she left Athena to her new room." (It is assumed that Athena got off the couch to follow Maddie, so there is no need to write that down)
See what a little re-wording and sentiance structer can do? It makes a difference.
And now- dialog! I kept getting confused as to who was talking, you kept using things like 'she said to her' or 'he said to him.' It was confusing.
Instead of, "Athena, looked up and saw Sam, standing there "hi, Sam", she said to her "hi, is it all right if I come in your room?" she asked her.
"Yes, you can come in my room", she said to her Sam, came in Athena's, room she looked around the room for a bit. She notice the drawing that she's working on "awesome drawing!" she, said to her "thanks!" she, said to her. Sam, notice a picture and a small gray wolf stuffed animal sitting on the, left corner of the desk "is that your mother with you in the picture?" she asked her.
"Yes, that is my mom she was kind and lovely person she, taught me a lot of things", she said to her. "You must really miss her", she said to her..."
Use: "Athena looked up, and saw Sam standing in the doorway. “Hi, Sam," Athena said, smiling.
"Hey, can I come in?" Sam asked.
"Sure," Athena responded. Sam walked into Athena's room, and looked around. She then noticed the drawing Athena was working on, "awesome drawing!" Sam remarked.
"Thanks," Athena said sheepishly. Then, Sam noticed a picture and a small, gray stuffed wolf sitting on the left corner of Athena's desk. The picture showed Athena and an older woman, smiling happily. "Is that your mom?" Sam asked, nodding toward the small picture.
"Yeah, that's my mom. She was kind and lovely person. She... taught me a lot of things", Athena responded sadly. "You must really miss her," Sam whispered a moment later..."
It's easier to understand if you state who is talking.
Another thing with dialog, and don't worry- sooo many people make this mistake. I've made it a few times myself. When talking, people don't tend to speak in complete sentences. We often use words like hmmm, mmhmm, nuh uh, things like that. We also use the word 'yeah' more than 'yes' too. So make sure to keep that in mind when you write dialog.
One last thing- make sure you dont let Athena or any other OC or self-insert OC turn into a Mary-Sue. Mary-Sues suck so try not to let that happen, okay?
I'm purely trying to give you some friendly advice, writer to writer. I dont mean any offence by it, and I am just trying to help.