|Reviews for EVoNet|
| ChrisW96003 chapter 14 . 5/21
You are an EVIL writer,
Leaving us hanging like this waiting for another chapter!
Please remove that losers Guest's reviews, they are annoying and uncalled for. The fool didn't read your bio, then frak 'em they're too stupid to post a review!
Thank you for a great story 'so far'
| Velial13 chapter 1 . 5/19
Just one chapter and I'm already in love with this story...
| Guest chapter 14 . 5/4
* Tori yawned, uninterested while her best friend Claudia gave her an aspirated look while their Centaur teacher berated the young Tau'ri for not listing. *
Comma after "uninterested" and "look".
"exasperated" not "aspirated",
* used to describe someone with both elven and human ancestry*
"Elven" and "Human".
* as Sirens were considered elven as their planet of origin was the Lost Planet of Arcadia*
* as her siren mother passed away several years back.*
* Tori's bad manners towards other races steamed from her mother, and her mother's side of the family.*
"originated" or "hailed"
* even though her mother had grown out of that having taught many small children off many different races knew that her families' words were nothing but ignorant lies.*
Comma after "that".
"small children of many races and now knew that her family's words were nothing but ignorant lied "
I take it this Tori's mum is supposed to be Dudley's daughter? If so, then why retain the Dursley name? Why not take her husband's name? And why does Tori bear her mother's family name, instead of her father?
You'd be better off switching things around
Tori's father being the nursery teacher and Dudley's son. And their family having little to do with the other Dursleys anymore.
Well that or Toru's dad is a Jaffa or something. No last names in their society.
For now: plot hole.
* which was and added bonus according to Tori's mum for marrying her dad.*
"which was an added bonus..."
* . And you can no longer call me an overreacting inpatient lunatic ever again*
*impatient" not "inpatient".
* But grandmas coming to visit*
* Hiding behind Mars's moon*
"Hiding behind one of Mars' moons"
Mars has two moons,
And indicating possessive with a word ending on a "s" is done by apostrophe not "apostrophe s".
* fifty-two huge warships blast in and around the planet suddenly in flashes of blue hyperdrive light*
"jump in" not "blast in".
* They didn't even know they were going to be in the middle of a huge battle until it was too late to cry and wine about it.*
Comma after "battle".
"whine" not "wine".
In addition, you never dealt with the plotline surrounding the youngest male Potter/Evans and his "girlfriend".
Based on the previous chapter, I got the impression she was a Prior. But how did a nonhuman Prior arrive on Earth and blend in enough to go to Secondary School?
You also never revealed what happened to Sirius, who seemed to have switched to Harry's side. As the last time we saw him was during the Dragon Slave vs Chudley Cannons match.
| Guest chapter 13 . 5/4
* Asgard were the biggest presence on terra *
* Kyle wasn't his tollan name, well it was, just spelt a lot different, *
* And just because your dad is the ambassador to terra, *
"ambassador for Terra."
You can't be an ambassador stationed in your own home country or world, which is what the "to" implies.
By using "for" you sidestep that issue and merely state which "entity" he represents. In those case the planet known as "Terra".
* well a couple of tollan brothers; *
* Harry had slumped down on the captains' chair *
* and other races have so freely accepted that they have home worlds other than earth.*
* a battalion of muggle-born mage*
* o make contact with worlds beyond the earth*
* because it was so east. *
"easy" not "east".
* with the muggle-born girl, Granger *
Comma needs to be moved from girl to Granger
* we are the last remnants of the ancient alteran race *
"Alteran", proper name so capitol
* He had considered leaving the earth and finding somewhere quiet to settle down on another planet, but that sounded boring when the earth was so busy, and so many new things were happening.*
"Earth" in both cases.
* and being and agent of Evans's he got some pretty good front row seats. *
*an agent of Evans', he got..."
* and his adopted sons school friends *
"son's" not "sons".
* a space dock orbiting the earth was incredible.*
| Guest chapter 12 . 5/4
* they won't translate the earth correctly*
"Earth". Proper name. So capitol
* "The translators will translate earth into either ground, dirt, or even give our planet the same name as theirs because of the way it works and interfaces with speech patterns,""
"Earth" same as before.
Replace "theirs" with "yours" as Daniel is talking to the Aliens
* and got a distress call when Ori turned up*
"the Ori turned up."
* hidden my mage... umm... mystical Tau'ri. We can create a natural connection to Zero-Point-Energy-."*
"by mages" not "my mage"
* you cave the helm Colonel*
"have" not "cave".
* I want that Prier off that planet in the next hour*
* some of your crew will be staying on as embassies with a few other higher ranked officials that we'll be picking up before we head back to terra,*
"embassy staff" or "ambassadors". Embassies are the buildings themselves.
"Terra", proper name, so capitol.
| Guest chapter 11 . 5/4
* while she was at collage trying to finish her GCSE's before heading to university to get her O and A levels before she finally getting to medical school.*
A) She wouldn't have been admitted to a British College without her GCSE.
B) OLevels were phased out in 1988 and became part of the GCSE
C) Where does she live, UK or the US?
If the US, then the following route makes more sense, home tutoring to get her GED (considering how behind she was to her peers), then into a US College, courtesy of a big donation by Harry, followed by more tutoring to get her A-Levels for university.
Why use the British diploma? To offset her GED, as A-Levels are ranked above the American Advanced Placement classes.
Makes it more believable, that her parents sent her to a crappy school. Harry gained custody, and because of how behind she was opted for home tutoring, to get her to the equivalent of her peers.
And when properly taught she has the mental faculties to excell.
Universities (and medical schools count are the equivalent of one), if they have the choice between a High School AP graduate followed by College vs a GED and College graduate would very much pick the former over the latter.
The A-Levels would cause them to pause and actually study the files, rather than just go by summary.
* She leant at a fast rate*
* because of an incompetent police officer had been imperialised, *
"imperiused" or "imperio'ed". Lots of debate on what is the proper form due to Latin grammar rules vs Rowling's faux Latin behaviour.
* , but they were more advanced than mere now*
Replace "mere" with "those". Otherwise, the sentence becomes nonsensical.
* No marriage was legal in mostly all western European countries, *
Replace "mostly" with "nearly". Or delete the "all" to get the sentence to work.
* and though she wasn't as smart as neither Harry nor Thor she understood enough to know the dangers and find them troubling.*
"either Harry or Thor"
*It's a Prier. *
* and spending most of his time on the earth*
"Earth". Proper name, so capitol.
* which left Jack pouting the other side *
"on the other side".
* he hadn't knocked on the generals' door,*
* as he had run passed the young man*
"past" not "passed".
* The Spiritus is the most powerful and fastest ship the earth has*
"Earth", same reason as before.
* He looked back at his girlfriend with a sheepish grin as she was holding his hand while he dragged her through the street to the teleporters back at his brothers' main building*
Comma after "hand".
"brother's" not "brothers'". Latter is a plural possessive. Building belongs to Harry, so the singular possessive form is needed.
| Guest chapter 10 . 5/4
* more and more muggle-bon natural mage being offer positions to use their knowledge, *
"mages" not "mage".
Kinda surprised he didn't switch over to "newblood" or "first generation" for terms. Always found "muggleborn" to have a somewhat derogatory aftertaste.
* Harry Evans had found so many muggle-born mage without any prospects for a future because the jobs in the magical world went to purebloods first and foremost.*
A) "muggleborn" no hyphen.
B) "mages". Mage is singular, mages is plural. If you want fancy than Magi for plural and Magus for singular.
C) Comma after "future".
* It didn't matter on grades, just heritage*
Clunky, rephrase to: "Grades didn't matter, just heritage".
* who took them from their family's *
"families" plural. "family's" is a third person singular possessive.
Example: "A family's grimoure is sacrosanct." Which can be rephrased to: "The grimoure of a family is sacrosanct."
* but a junior school education to try getting along in the muggle world.*
"but a Primary School education..."
That's what the Brits call the schooling segment aimed at younger kids.
Yanks call it "Elementary School", although they have a gap with their 5th grade ages 10-11, which isn't part of either Elementary or Middle School.
* helped them get high school certified and a few exam passes; enough to get on to higher education*
High School is US, not British. Secondary School is what follows up on Primary School..
And the test required is the GCSE. It applies to both those following the standard schooling path and those who test out early, a la the GED.
A-Levels are required for university. But the GCSE is enough for the Colleges.
* Then that was the company being generous for pureblood mage.*
* "Yes, I found that interesting to Harry!"*
"too" not "to".
* things that human's, *
* Then over time because of all the Zero Point Energy muggle-born mage*
* Please don't be like that babes;*
* you are fare game!"*
* fear as he certainly realised they never got passed the shields.*
"past" not "passed".
* You believe you have the right to, *
Missing words. Am guessing: " You believe you have the right to do whatever you want,"
* she said, still not looking at Harry. *
"he said". You've already established that Oman is male.
* we're at war and you potentially start another, cleaver!"*
"clever" not "cleaver".
| Guest chapter 8 . 5/3
* he refused on shear principle*
"sheer" not "shear". Latter has to do with removing hair/wool.
Whereas, "sheer" means unmitigated.
* He loath them all, *
"loathed" not "loath".
*They really do not have a clue that they seal their greatest chance of Voldemort's defeat while relying on a weak little bully who is so easily manipulated it is not even funny anymore.*
"sealed" not "seal".
Commas after "defeat" and "manipulated".
* without having a clue what it is, or where its going.*
"it's" not "its".
* It is so blind that he doubts any of them would question Dumbledore if he started walking around the school in nothing but a pair of pants*
Comma after "Dumbledore".
* Just the thought back made him feel pity that his brother is going to end up either dead *
Thought back? Do you mean "remembrance"?
* Harry had been playing his brother and brothers' friends for fools. *
"brother's" possessive, not "brothers" plural.
* "You're the evil scum Ronald because the good guys do not torment innocent kids. *
Comma after "Ronald".
* Ron stuttered out looking around but he had been captured in a corridor with no paintings so no other teacher sent by Dumbledore to get them out of trouble as Snape is the only one who will give out detentions to Terry's friends.*
Commas after "around", "paintings" and "trouble".
*maybe you could get some rolls in the movies,"*
"roles" not "rolls".
* he said handing them out to the kids as payment before they thanked him and he led them to the Entrance Hall just in case they get 'attacked' for real while he's not around to protect them.
Comma after "Hall".
* Do you have any idea how frustrating it is to be friends with two boys who you have to dumb down for?"*
Comma after "boys".
* "My dream is to give magic to all of the Earths people*
"Earth's" not "Earths".
* but it should not be your brothers, *
"brother's" not "brothers".
| Guest chapter 7 . 5/3
* Coronal Mitchel,*
You made that error a couple of times. Might just want to do a replace "Coronal with Colonel" function. Should save time.
* I mean… everyone in the Magical World treat the world like its huge, but really… its tiny… really tiny.*
"treats" not "treat"
"it's" not "its".
In this case you're looking for "it is" and its contracted form "it's".
"Its" on the other hand is a third person singular possessive form.
* but all has vast secrets and pleasures, and wonders as far as the eye can see.*
"bur all of them have..."
He's speaking of multiple worlds, thus it requires a plural, not a singular.
* but he figured he might break into see the US Minister of Magic to get some answers*
Break into what? Missing word(s). The following is just a guess: "but he figured he might break into the American Ministry and see the US Minister of Magic to get some answers."
* Maybe if our people can see how small we really are it will give them some prospective."*
"perspective" not "prospective". Least based on the contextual clues.
Because "prospective" can be seen as "hope" and that's kinda round peg into square hole, when you look at the context of the text.
Sure, it'll go in with enough pressure, but it's not the proper solution.
* You got a nice house here, and little tech happy, but I like it. *
"a little tech happy", otherwise that sentence fragment doesn't add up.
* but its… dragon blood has a stabilising property, *
"it's" not "its".
* Everything must have a begging, middle, and an end,"*
"beginning" not "begging".
* but he has learnt many human languages over the years*
"he had learned many..."
Contextual again. While you used a Past form, you didn't hit the right one.
Just from the top of my head: Past Continuous, Past Perfect, Past Participle. And I'm sure I missed some.
* Thor frown, almost looking sad. *
"frowned" not "frown".
| Guest chapter 6 . 5/3
*his hassle eyes full of hate.*
"hazel" not "hassle".
To hassle someone is to bother them repeatedly.
Hazel is a colour, a tree, a nut and even a proper name.
| Guest chapter 3 . 5/3
*Harry Potter is looking out for our house we own him," *
"owe him" not "own him".
The current sentence says he's their possession. Whereas from the contextual information it's clear that they feel that there's a Debt of Honour in play.
Harry looked out for some of theirs, so they'll look out for his younger sister.
Quid pro quo.
He scratched their back, so they're obligated to scratch his.
| Guest chapter 1 . 5/3
A) Rather surprised that Sirius kept it tame, when he insulted Ron.
Idiot? When MoRon is so much more appropriate.
B) Should've pointed out that Ron's paternal grandmother is a Black, and that Arthur and Surius are second cousins once removed.
And then ask, if that means they'll turn Dark too, as Ron claims all Blacks are. Not sure if Tonks was present at the meeting, but asking her if she's feeling any Dark tendencies, should help with further mocking Ron.
Neville Longbittom's paternal great-grandmother. Another Black. Callidora.
And depending on what you do with the Potters. Fleumont/Euphemia or Charlus/Dorea. The latter would be yet another Black connection.
| jgood27 chapter 14 . 5/2
Love this story and can't wait to read more
| Alex2909 chapter 14 . 5/2
| selenepotter chapter 14 . 5/2
This is a good fic!
But the Stargate crossover was totally unessessary and takes time away from the magi-tech story. I wanted to know what happened to the Muggleborn girl when the MoM jurors showed up to force her to go to hogwarts. I wanted to see wizards stumble in to the muggle world and find all the muggles waving wands and using magic.