Whoa...

Oh...

Poor Kyoko -'

Continued writing wonderful story

yay! you're back :) i'm happy I could make you smile, and even more happy that you're back! things are certainly to be interesting now!
-Kate

okay. so this story has a lot of potential. but there are some aspects that show your what I call "new writerness" however! I see a lot of heart in your stories and that's why i'm leaving a review (If I didn't see any heart I would have left without a second thought) so this is my full review of your story and the total grade in which you fair.

your characters were made with good intentions. most of the time you stay in character but there are cases, when I can hear your voice instead of theirs. that's not a bad thing, but it's something that comes with a little more experience and a lot of time. some characters sort of don't get as much attention as they should have (like Sho and Reino) and should be used either generously or not at all. honestly, this story didn't need Reino or Sho, with Saena, Kyoko, and Ren it was perfect as it was. this is something that will come as you write more so don't be worried about it too much for now. grade: C

the plot had a lot of potential, however, short chapters and not enough detail to really expunge on the storyline, made it fall a little flat. the death of Kyoko's father was full of emotion and drama, and so much more, but you only touched on it instead of delving into it. once again, this is an experience thing not a talent thing. once you start writing a little more, you'll find that detailing and spending time in a story's assets is essential for any great writer. you actually showcase a lot of your potential, specifically in irony and humor and such. those types of attributes are very mature for a writer and once you spend a little more time honing it, you'll make some great comedic stories (which is a real talent, because it's hard to make a good story funny) ;) grade: C

your diction showcased a lot of your voice. I've already talked about detailing so I won't go into it again. the only thing I had an issue with in the case of the diction of the story, was your authors notes in the midst of the story. a lot of people do them and they're really quite common, but as a reader; they're frustrating because we are pulled out of the lull you create in a story to hear a little bit of commentary. if you want to comment on what you wrote, do it in the authors notes, either before or after the story, it'll make the readers happy to hear what you think on something you wrote and it's a way to keep the hypnotism of a story on the reader itself. Diction and flow: B-

your paragraphs need a little work, but that's an experience, not talent thing (I was horrible with paragraphs when I started) other than that, your grammar and wordchoice were really good. I loved the eloquent and sophisticated words you used in a funny story which really brought out the humor and sarcasm that was relevant inside of it. that's a very unique writing style and if you capitalize it, it will be incredible when we read more things i'm sure we'll see from you. grammar and wordchoice: A-

so my final grade I give for this story is a C this is actually really good for a new writer. there's no talent flaws, all of the criticisms I had for this story will develop with time and experience, and every writer knows that when we started, our first stories were horrible (well, I know that at least). you have an incredible writing style, with sarcasm and irony laced in with heavy dark plots and sophisticated writing, giving off a strong Wilde vibe within your stories. keep up the progress and I want to hear more from you when your next stories come out!
-Kate

two people who recognize each other's similar pain, can both heal from it. that's the beauty of human emotion :)
i'm actually surprised Kyoko went as far to say he's like a big brother. that in and of itself is a very vulnerable statement...maybe her walls are starting to break down just a little, even if she doesn't realize it.
-Kate

so Kyoko (in a moment of childish logic) decided that an abandoned cave in a part that wasn't maintained was a perfect spot for a picnic? and her dad died trying to save her. I understand why Kyoko would feel guilty but it was an accident... this is like a watered down version of what happened with Kuon and Rick...ah the human conscience of guilt is a very interesting thing.
-Kate

so Saena's going to reveal the secret past of Kyoko's father's death...what is that twisted woman up to?
-Kate

Reino, Saena, and a jealous Ren Tsuruga...just another hectic day for Kyoko Mogami
-Kate

oooh plot twist! I wonder how Kyoko's father died?
-Kate

Say no Kyoko!
-Kate

oh no...Saena's here...someone get a bucket of water, I need to melt a witch.
-Kate

Reino's back...I wonder what that wicked beagle is planning this time...
-Kate

i like this ending better.