|Reviews for The Dance|
| Guest chapter 1 . 6/29/2012
I like this series and was happy to see a new story in it, I love Pete and Jenny's relationship and watching it grow. But I would probably listen to the other reviewer and bump the rating up to a "T" on both this story and the other story they mentioned, along with anything else that has depictions of violence or sex, just to be on the safe side. I don't know if you know it but the site is cracking down and deleting stories that aren't properly rated, so it's better to play it safe and give your stuff a stronger rating so it doesn't get deleted.
| ShakespeareCop chapter 1 . 6/28/2012
No offense, but you really need a beta. The first paragraph has a lot of short choppy sentences that could be condensed down for smoother flow and you use the word "their" a lot so it becomes a redundant recitation. This choppy structuring is fine for children's books because the staccato pacing keeps their interest, but when writing for adults, it's better to condense and smooth out your sentence pacing because the short bursts of words break up the flow of the piece and can boot the reader out of the story.
Any time you use a song title, all words in it must be capitalized, like "What's going on" should be "What's Going On." Conversely, "Happy Anniversary" should not be capitalized, it is not a proper holiday like Christmas or New Year's Eve.
"Your welcome" should be "You're welcome" because it's the contraction of "you are." "Your" indicates possession.
Where Jean Reed and Pete are at the bar, you combined their conversation into one paragraph and whenever separate people are speaking, it always starts a new paragraph; same with where Jenny and Jim finish dancing, you combined their separate speaking lines into one paragraph and they need to be in paragraphs of their own. You also do it where the line starts "She brushed across his damp brow..." Their individual conversation lines need paragraphs of their own.
And again in the paragraph where Pete and Jenny are dancing the second time, you use a lot of short sentences that read very choppy. For an example of how you could condense and smooth the flow out, I'll borrow one of your sentences here and then show you how to fix it:
"Pete lifted his large warm hands to hold her face. He tilted his head and moved in for another kiss."
Now, to fix it, you might write it so it reads something like: "Pete lifted his large warm hands to hold her face, tilting his head and moving in for another kiss." See how I condensed two short sentences into a single one and it didn't break the flow of the piece? In doing so, it keeps the reader more in tune with the piece, rather than having short harsh sentences that may interrupt their reading.
And please let me preface what I'm about to say next with the statement that the other writer does not know I'm bringing this up, and in fact won't know I've said anything unless they read the review, so please don't think they've had anything to do with this at all, this is entirely my own undertaking. Plus, I'm sure if the other writer DOES read this, I will likely get my butt chewed, but it's a chance I'm willing to take out of concern for fairness and responsibility on the site.
It is my understanding that when another writer on here wrote and posted a romance story that contained sexual elements, that author was hassled by other writers on this site, including yourself. They were told that their story was inappropriate for the site, despite the fact that the author correctly rated and warned that their content was adult in nature and not suitable for children, and in fact the author has now moved that story to the "M" rated site for further safety. But in reading over many of your Pete and Jenny stories, I find that you also write fairly graphic sexual content in your work, yet you label this story and the "Stress Reduction" story as being appropriate for children, despite the fact that they are certainly not suitable for young readers at all due to the rather adult content and should at least be rated "T."
So my question is, why did that writer get condemned and hassled for their work, even though it was suitably rated and warned as far as content, yet no one has ever said anything to you about the graphic nature of your work ALSO being unsuitable for young readers? To be honest, it really smacks of a hypocritical double standard to me, so I hope that you can perhaps enlighten me as to why it's fine for you to write such works and inappropriately rate them, but it's not fine for someone else to write similiar stories that ARE properly warned and rated.
| Mina64 chapter 1 . 6/24/2012
MMMM loving it! Don't be a tease (ha ha!)give us more!