|Reviews for Flitter|
| Animom chapter 1 . 7/13/2012
There were a number of nicely-turned phrases and good character insights in this, but since you'd asked on the forum for concrit:
1. Overall, to me the story might benefit from a little more show and not so much tell. Concrete details and dialog would help balance the abstract introspection and keep the reader grounded in the story.
2. The opening line is good, but ... I'd like a stronger setup for the ending line. (Possibly get rid of the "It's something I've noticed recently" and change "He doesn't like to be touched" with with "I don't think he likes to be touched." The first feels more like a statement of fact, while the second does a better job of setting up the exploratory musing of the story and leading to Yugi's revelation at the end. I might also save that image of YnY sleeping with his back pressed against Yugi's side - which is a very sweet image that also shows us the degree of trust they have - for the end of the story.
3. I know you're doing a sort of stream of consciousness here, but for me the tangents made the story feel too unfocused. Taken individually, they're all good thought and insights, expressed in well-written prose, but as pieces of a whole their sequence almost feels arbitrary. You might want to ask yourself either, *What does this accomplish at this point in the story* or *Does this support what I'm trying to do in the story?* ... and if you feel they DO support it and make sense in the order given, it's possible that not enough of what was in your head got out onto the page. In that case, perhaps stronger transitions from thought to thought (or even just breaking up the various thoughts with a few sentences of actions/dialog from Yugi's friends - which would also address point #1) would pull readers like me in even more strongly, and lift the story from being competent to something special.
| Telekinec chapter 1 . 7/12/2012
I like this one shot. Now in more in-depth details for a writer such as yourself: This one-shot is deep but conscise. Your choice of words have an impact in the story and although it is a one-shot I hope for a little more continuation (maybe it's own philosophical story?). This must sound confusing. I mean that the end has a good cliff-hanger and it would be interesting to transpose this idea into a full-blown story.
Hope I didn't confuse you too much xD