|Reviews for Monsters|
| mockingjaybrandybuck chapter 1 . 2/21
Hello, greetings from the Reviews Lounge, Too. I’m mostly fandom blind to Supernatural, but your story looked intriguing.
Love your opening. Immediately we’re getting this sensory experience of waking up from a nightmare, something many people can relate to. And we also begin to ask questions about what is going on, why this person is having nightmares, etc. You raise the interest level immediately.
I was surprised to see that John is actually Dean’s father, as their banter seemed more like peer to peer. At first, I thought that dad comment was sarcastic, but the later dialogue showed that they were indeed father and son.
You used dialogue in this beginning section so well. It’s definitely doing more than one thing, first you’ve set the stage that we’re dealing with the mystical (something I assumed from the fandom title, but still, it’s a good thing for fandom blind readers like myself). You establish that there is a close and protective relationship between John and Dean. And also a playful one. I loved the show-throwing incident. You don’t do that with someone you’re not close with.
Wow! I did not see that intruder coming at all. It was a nice, short action scene to ratchet up the tension.
That shooting scene was fast paced and intense. I liked the later reveal that Dean had been shot. Seemed very cinematic.
It was nice that Dean had a chance to save his father in the end. It plays well with the “I’m not a child” statement. He got a chance to show that he is capable as well.
The only recommendation I can make that might improve this story, and this is a small one, is that the last few lines of that ending seemed a little bit of a throw in. They seemed to lack the wit and banter from the previous conversations. Other than that, it was a very well written one-shot that made use of every word.
| DenZatz chapter 1 . 12/10/2015
A "Supernatural" fanfiction. Nice.
You did well to showcase the personalities of the characters from the show. From John's paternal instincts in protecting his son(s), to Dean's concern for his little brother, Sam.
The show itself does have many cliches, but its what makes it great, and you did well in emulating that as well; like with how Dead acts when he gets captured, when he begins to threaten, and swear, at Wilson even though Dead is the one who is caught. And when John beats Wilson, and everything seems to be fine but then it turns out that Dead was shot. To be honest, its surprising that Wilson would know what happened to Dean's mom, I don't remember a character named Wilson in the actual show though. So I am guessing that he is a character that you made up.
The action is well paced and well thought out, Im assuming you are a fan of the show, and it shows in your writing. In fact the entire chapter is reminiscent of the show. Everyone gets injuries, Dean complains about whether or not there are hot nurses at the hospital he is staying at. Suspenseful moments where it looks like the hero is going to lose, then by some deus ex machina, they come out on top. Overall, enjoyable one-shot to read.
| whotellsyourstory chapter 1 . 6/8/2015
This was really good, especially the ending. I liked the banter between John and Dean quite a lot, and even though I usually don't particularly like John, you kind of humanized him in a way that made it possible for me to look past what his character usually stands for, kind of like when he died on the show and when he saved the boys as a ghost. Good job!
| Salivour chapter 1 . 5/17/2015
I'm not familiar with Supernatural, having never watched it, although it is definitely on my list to watch! My understanding is that Sam and Dean are partners of a sort.
(Sam had been gone a few weeks, and the nightmares hadn't relented.) I liked how you started things right off, even with no being familiar with Supernatural, I was able to quickly see what was going on. Although, (Werewolf) threw me slightly, though I presumed that Dean was dreaming of werewolves. Still, it was great to see Dean's uneasiness at Sam being gone.
Your dialogue felt quite stilted, though. Particularly at the beginning where I felt I was getting spinnets of the story, and it felt as though the story could have been more fleshed out as I was making assumptions based on what was being said rather than actually understanding the situation. It felt as though things were happening with me only having a basic grasp of the plot. Another point was Wilson getting into the hotel, there was no build up and it just felt as though it just happened. While I understand that it's a surprise for Dean, I felt as though the work at least needed a bit of a break between John leaving and Dean finding himself at gun point.
I liked how you displayed Wilson's character through his dialogue, particularly his change from violence to calm (Sorry about that. I have a short temper.) I also liked his tendency for the grand speech, it felt as though he's been waiting a while to go off on a rant. It also showed his madness quite well (You have a desire that only blood can fill. Blood and revenge.) I was thrown off by Wilsons' claim to immortality, but I suspect that's just canon blindness there. Though with the canon blindness, I did have a scenario in my head where the amulet doesn't do anything and it's just Wilson delusioning himself that he was immortal.
(I've been better, actually) Even with my limited understanding of Supernatural, that sounds rather like Dean. Gave me a smile, anyhow.
(Yeah. I think maybe I should stay behind...What are you talking about.) This is where a sudden change of pace worked well, John suddenly realising that Dean has been shot , particularly with Dean's initial protests against being left. The little scene of John going through the actions of what he needed to do for Dean was great. To me it showed someone who was internally worried, but could just block themselves off to get what needed to be done, done.
I thought at first the Wilson was going to be the main bad guy of the piece, particularly with the summary. So to have it feel as just an opportunity to get Dean shot and have another bad guy in Cobb felt quite odd, especially for a short one-shot.
I really winced at Dean going out with the wound still bleeding. He hasn't even got stitches. It felt like a fairly idiotic decision for him to make, although it did seem to go somewhat with his character, being ignorant about his own well being. Though I liked how John's sensible enough to take Dean far enough that he thinks he's coming along but manages to keep Dean out of an actual confrontation.
The ending was good, although it felt slightly odd to have John taken completely off guard. But it was nice to see Dean play a key role in the scene, and show that they work better together than apart, it brought things nicely together.
Nitpick: (But the truthis) - gap between truth and is
(that one was a bit ppainful) - double p at the start of painful
Good job :)
| Miss Kells Bells chapter 1 . 2/9/2015
My God, this was a great story exploring the relationship between John and Dean. And you nailed with characterizations pretty perfectly.
In the beginning you had a bit of "talking-head syndrome". Some description could have helped set the scene. Your biggest offender was your opening though. Most the other dialogue had action and description surround by it and made for a nice read.
Speaking of dialogue, you really nailed John and Dean's voices. And you really hit their attitudes toward each perfectly. John is bossy. He treats Dean like a solider.
This is really nitpicky, but you used the word Hell a lot and it should be capitalized.
Wilson's dialogue was a bit exposition. It was just backstory and backstory, some being Dean's own backstory which I already knew! I found have found him more interesting if he was, well, less "interesting". I care about Dean and John and their relationship, not this baddie who dies instantly and doesn't have enough time the story to develop.
I loved this piece of dialogue:
"Dean, are you okay?"
"You know, I've been better, actually."
It was so funny! I seriously cracked up. It was like something Dean would actually say. Perfect line!
Another great moment was when Dean said, "Don't tell Sammy." He's been shot and all he can do is worry about Sam. It's another perfect characterization of Dean.
During the scene where Dean gets shot I thought the whole Dean getting shot was kind of glossed over. I couldn't understand why Dean didn't want to leave. I didn't realize he had been shot until you mentioned there was a bullet hole in his shirt two scenes later. The shooting could have been made clearer.
I felt that line "You obviously haven't met Hannah," while funny, was a little OOC for John.
However the fact that John still wanted to continue hunting even after his son had been shot was spot on for John. The man is obsessed. Hunting comes before even his kids well being.
And your ending, I absolutly love that Dean ends up saving the day and shooting the shifter.
Overall I really loved you fic. It was a great moment in time about Dean and John and I really think you nailed their characters.
| rhinosgirl chapter 1 . 1/23/2015
I am mostly canon-blind, in that all I know of this fandom is that the Winchester family chase and fight supernatural beings. In saying that, I gather that Sammy has gone somewhere and left his family behind (maybe forever or for an unknown length of time, since Dean is having such a drastic reaction to his absence).
One writing skill I am still researching and practicing is finding inventive ways of indicating who is talking without using speech tags for every piece of dialogue. You have shown me some different techniques to try, including:
(a) using a speaker’s action (John sat up. “Dean last time we saw the shifter…)
(b) using a speaker’s emotion (John didn’t attempt to keep the anger out of his voice. “Where?”)
(c) using names to keep track of who the speaker is (“I’m coming, Wilson. And I am bringing all of hell with me.” Followed by “I look forward to seeing you too, John.”)
Thank you for these pointers, they are great ideas! )
I thought that John throwing the shoe at Dean was a very effective way of both stopping the argument and giving Dean a practical demonstration of how his sleep deprivation was affecting him.
“John stiffened.” With just those two words, the whole tone of the story changed from a mild father-son argument into a full-scale drama. Ouch!
(“Dean!” John cried) – and suddenly we are back to the father-son theme again. Your transitions are seamless, I am in awe.
“He took something of mine.” This was a great hook that kept me reading, if only to find out what was so important to the man that he would go to so much trouble to get it back.
Dean did make me giggle when he called Wilson “Einstein” and “insane”. Probably not the sanest thing to do when you’re tied up by a madman, but I loved his cheekiness, and the slight humour was appreciated in amongst the drama.
“The nurses aren’t even hot!”…”You obviously haven’t met Hannah” – so funny!
I am really glad that the hunt that John started alone, he finished with Dean by his side.
This is a great story, with a lot of different themes all seamlessly woven together. A brilliant story that just leaves me with one question: Why didn’t Dean want Sam to find out?
| DeletedConfirm chapter 1 . 12/13/2014
First word - HOLY MOLY! This was one of the most explosive action pack I'd ever read on SOTW! No, seriously, really grasped on my attention from beginning to the end and that's definitely the truth. I couldn't even put it down! I was scrolling on the stories I missed last week on the list and found yours was on and dammit me that I missed out on a really well constructed story.
So onto business! I must tell you that I am a total fandom blinder but that doesn't stop me from reading a good action pack fiction such as this. I do know a little about Supernatural, but that was such a long time ago since I watched it. This story is very easy to follow and non-stop action!
I wish there was more description story telling. While there is a lot of dialogue involved, the bickering between John and Dean was hilarious. It is very imaginative as I can see his father hitting a shoe to Dean to prove his point that he does need his sleep. You could also mention in a short version why Sammy left (but that's just me being picky).
What I totally love:
- Twisted hostage grab. My jaw was literally left hanging open when Dean was snatch!
- Love the fake amulet trick his dad did.
- Shots that occur the same time between the badass Wilson
- I laughed loudly at the part when Dean grumbled about the nurses not being hot. He's a fussy guy!
- Love the bickering between the father and son moments!
I did spot a few type-os here and there, but you probably know that. I won't put those on the review since you're the expert at grammar here. I hope I see more of your stories on SOTW. Fingers cross! Cause this was a really excellent action! If it was graduate, I would have vote on this.
| December Sapphire chapter 1 . 12/9/2014
Hiya I'm actually familiar with the fandom and just starting to catch up with the episodes. But I do know the characters.
So that's my first comment. You did really well to keep John and Dean in character. Dean especially. I wonder where Sam is though. I was going to suspect him to come and save the day at the end, but he didn't.
The action scenes were really well thought up, although the kidnapping was a bit cliche. But hey, Supernatural does it anyways.
This had a lot of dialog, but it fit really nicely into the scenes. Sometimes dialog can explain something or nothing. Yours explained a lot so good job.
((("bringing all of hell with me.")) When you are talking about a place, ie. Hell, it should be capitalized.
And watch your "its" and "it's" but you probably already know that. :)
And great job! I enjoyed it!
| Ersatz Einstein chapter 1 . 11/18/2014
I found the explanation and exposition a bit heavy-handed at times ("what with you being sleep deprived," "a hint of amusement in his voice at Dean's obvious sense of indignity"), and the repetition in some phrases of some words ("had been asleep a few minutes when a voice stirred him from his sleep") was somewhat awkward. (Small side note: there was a missing space in "but the truthis," and a missing "s" in "It' not as though.")
However, you've managed to pack a lot of time and action into a relatively small one-shot. It's one of the hardest things about action-centric fics and fandoms, and I salute you for it. The dialogue had just enough slang to make it realistic, without so much that it seemed that you were trying too hard. The ending mixed the sweet and the mundane (well, the normal... for them) nicely. The final line was perfectly casual.
| SpiritedYoungLady chapter 1 . 1/20/2014
For one-shots I'm best at catching stylistic things and characterization. I'll say right up front that your plot was clear and enjoyable, and move on to more helpful notes:
-I really like how you rely on dialogue for characterization and moving the plot along.
-A few times you used passive verbs where active verbs would have been better. ("He had a pistol aimed..." instead of "He aimed a pistol", for example.)
-I love the "I am bringing all of hell with me" line.
-Your use of colloquialisms and choice to occasionally use improper grammar in dialogue brought the characters to life.
-Wilson trying to manipulate Dean is believable and handled really well.
-Aww, you brought up not only Zeppelin, but "Ramble On"! Good touch.
-A few times you used adverbs after a dialogue tag ("John said apologetically"), when the adjective is unnecessary because the emotion is clearly conveyed in the dialogue.
-I like the fact that John calls out the negative effects of Dean's under sleeping and that the gunshot wound is handled more realistically than they often are.
-Some people have mentioned that Dean recovered rather quickly from the gunshot wound. If you made it an otherwise-inconsequential graze wound that just happened to hit a major artery, it may fix your problem. I can tell you from experience that blood loss can be debilitating in the short run, but doesn't pose the internal injury issues that a full-on gunshot wound would.
-Watch your "its" vs. "it's". It's an easy thing to miss.
-A minor typo: "ppainful", right near the end.
-I liked the positive, papa-bear portrayal of John. It was a refreshing break from most portrayals, and quite sweet.
| Edhla chapter 1 . 11/30/2013
This fic is very dialogue-heavy, but that's not necessarily a bad thing as it moves along quite swiftly without giving the impression of being rushed. I felt some of the action sequence toward the beginning could be more detailed, but it's not a massive problem or anything :)
Both Dean's character and his dialogue come across well, and I liked Wilson's commentary on his spirit (why is it always the villains who manage to so correctly peg their foe? I really liked that anyway.)
John is the best kind of badass here - a badass protective of his son, who is also a badass :) In all seriousness, their relationship is the crucible that makes this one-shot interesting.
A couple of SPaG errors:
Ellipses should have a gap before the next word... like that... and careful of italics eating the gap before the next word. "At it's chest" - "its" without the apostrophe unless you mean "it is".
Thank you for writing x
| StrawberryDuckFeathers chapter 1 . 7/18/2013
. Fandom blind .
Wow, the introduction was so damn dramatic! I loved the 'cold sweat' and 'racing' heart, as it showed his fright so well, as well as his frantic scream for his friend. I also loved the 'struggled to calm himself', line, and that fact that Sam was missing was such a hit that I actually felt genuinely quite frightened. Sam's reply to John also gives the impression that it's been happening a lot lately, which makes you feel pretty sorry for him and his nightmares and worries. I thought that Sam's determination to go with his dad, and his dad's desire to have him not come along because of the danger was a great touch to the story. Dean seems pretty miserable for not being able to come along, but my prediction is that something dangerous will happen and that he will be glad he never tagged along... I love the dramatic 'hit' of the guy coming in and Dean grabbing his gun as well.
I think that it's great that the man who enters has such a deadpan tone to his voice, since I think it makes him seem more frightening, as if Dean's attacks and attempts to ward him off are doing nothing at all. I think your fight scene was nicely written as well- no filler in it to slow down the pace, quick-paced, and there was no knowing who was going to win.
Wow, John's reaction to Wilson was pretty awesome- I think what made it even more awesome is that he didn't initally know he'd hurt his son, and we did... Great way to build the tension there! And what Wilson said to him after about 'having something of his' was brilliant and enticing, since I wondered what he had of his...I think that keeping the deadpan tone of the man dow the phonecall was really chilling.
I think the plot to this is quite interesting, the way it's all put together. I like the way that Wilson has tried to get something of John's to taunt him into coming to Wilson, and I like the way he ties all the characters to come together. Wilson's opinion was interesting as well, when he basically said that no matter how much for try to fight off evil, it'll always still be there. I like how you've given the seemingly-villainous character a valid point. You've also made him generally intimidating, which is rather hard to do with villainous characters, I think. :3 I'm not sure if this is fandom-related but the warehouse setting was so cool, since I find them eerie, dark and creepy, and great for a tense scene.
Oh, I loved that plot point! It was great! Nice twist in John giving up a fake amulet to Wilson, and it seemed logical as well, since that way he didn't lose anything, just got his son back- but I love the drama when Wilson realises it's fake... I found that bit such a shock when Dean got hit as well, and the description of him becoming weaker was just fantastic. I think that the tension really peaked when John kept asking when they'd get there. The way he cares so much about his son is sweet.
The quick-paced dialogue after the hospital leaving attempt scene was great, as it really showed the tension in their argument. :) I also liked the twist with the shapeshifting Cobb as well! I really liked the way Dean appeared to return the favour when he was stood with a revolver when his dad was getting attacked by Cobb. It's actually really sweet that he's sticking up for his dad, especially after his dad stuck up for him. :) I really liked the ending!
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Here is my critique and/or suggestions to you. :)
. (bringing all of hell with me.") When referring to Heaven and Hell as the place, then you need to capitalise it:
[ bringing all of Hell with me] [ You're going to Hell] [It's like I'm in Heaven!] :)
. (If I think I maybe catch a whiff of a weapon on you,) Here, this part would be much clearer if you replaced 'maybe' with 'can'. :) [If I think I can catch a whiff of a weapon on you,]
(Dean's awoke) This section here would be 'Dean awoke'. :)
. (washingstation ) A space is needed between 'washing' and 'station' here. :)
(Dean looked up. "Dad! Hey! I'm getting the hell out of here what does it look like I'm doing?") In this part, there needs to be something after 'here' to indicate a new sentence. I think an excalamation mark would go well:
[Dean looked up. "Dad! Hey! I'm getting the hell out of here! What does it look like I'm doing?"]
(bit ppainful) A small typo in which one of the Ps on 'painful' needs to be omitted. :)
.(pointed at it's chest) When you use the possesive, ' it's ' does not need the apostrophe. You only need the apostrophe when you use ' it's ', the contracted form of ' it is'. :)
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A great story full of tension with an interesting plot and cool characterisation! Keep up the good work! :)
| zanganito chapter 1 . 7/7/2013
This was a nice, in-character one-shot that explored the relationship between Dean and his father. I liked that you included Dean’s sarcastic sense of humor with lines like:
"Fine! You know what? Fine. I'll stay here and –what? What am I supposed to do? Read magazines, watch afternoon soaps?"
The story takes an interesting turn when Wilson kidnaps Dean.
“some of the scariest monsters aren't really monsters at all. They're people.”
He brings up some interesting points, questioning why Dean and his family go through the trouble of fighting monsters, when humans are capable of so much evil on their own. It’s quite chilling, actually, with what Wilson ends up doing later. (He’s definitely not the type of person who should have an anti-aging amulet).
Minor typo: truthis
I wondered how Dean was able to get up out of the hospital bed after being shot in the gut. Yes, he’s stubborn, and has a high pain tolerance, but an abdominal wound would make even just sitting up and getting out of the bed extremely painful.
Over-all, this was an entertaining read, and I liked how Dean got to save the day at the end.
| MissScorp chapter 1 . 7/7/2013
Alright, for starters, I want to say that I really liked the idea of a story involving John and Dean—which I think from the shows standpoint that we don’t get enough of. I think you did a great job in establishing the father-son role and the Hunter partnership (which frequently gets blurred by the father-son dynamics… or if this was Sam, in the brother-brother dynamics). I really got a chuckle out of this line: ‘John picked up one of his shoes and threw it at Dean. "Heads up!" It hit him square in the forehead.’ Not only could I imagine John doing that, but I could see that with how sleep deprived and sluggish that Dean can be when he is not getting enough sleep that it would clock him in the forehead. I also think that that line establishes the partner relationship that John tends to have with Dean.
But this line here: ‘"Don't you dare touch him Wilson, or I swear I will tear you limb from limb," John growled, his voice low and dangerous.’ THIS represents John the Father. Out of the entire story, this line is the absolute best one and just makes John the man that we know he is—the man, who would do anything for his sons and who, while it is not always evident, bleeds whenever either of his sons gets threatened or hurt by an enemy.
Now for some minor critiques or edit suggestions that I think would really make this story stand out (which I will mark in parenthesis because they are only my suggestions and in no way absolutes that have to be done unless you like my suggestions):
"No. No way in hell (am I) gonna let you go hunt that thing on your own."
"Your reaction time is slow. You're off.” (John gave his son a stern look.) “There's no way I'm letting you come with me (, sleep deprived as you are)."
“If not, do NOT come looking (for me.) Call Bobby,"
This particular sequence: "Son of a bitch," Dean muttered as he came to (and) discover(ed) that he was handcuffed (to) a chair. "Son of a bitch! I'm gonna kill you!" (Really needs a bit of additional dialogue. My suggestion: Dean’s tormentor merely smiled and said; “I’ve heard your daddy threaten that a thousand times kid.”
“Who the hell are you and what do you want with my dad?”
"My name's Wilson. (As to what I want with him?” A chilling look entered Wilson’s eyes).” See, (your daddy), he took something of mine. (And I want it back.))
-(to knock him, chair and all, to the ground). just drop the parenthesis here. They are completely unnecessary and rather confusing to a reader honestly. Also, I’d change this line: (“And him having this item has just managed to royally piss me off”)
-Just reverse the lines here a bit to make the line stronger: (Dean looked up at his father. "What the hell does it look like I'm doing? I'm getting the hell out of here!")
("Oh you know (us) men, never (stop to) ask for directions.)—the Never doesn’t need to be capitalized.
"Yeah, that one was a bit painful.”—Double pp’s.
“and kill your boys.” (Need something here to smooth it out. My suggestion is: Now what do you think of that as my brand of poetic justice?"
(John put an arm (around) Dean and helped him back to the car.)-just a minor edit to make it sound smoother.
Again, these are only my suggestions. Overall, I greatly enjoyed the story and thought you hit the characters perfectly. You had John’s father/hunter side down t felt, and you had some of the brash Dean intermixed with inexperience on the other. I also liked that you had two different types of enemies- a shifter as the primary monster, and Wilson as another (and in my mind, it was Wilson who was really the monster given how he kidnapped Dean and threatened to kill him just for having an amulet returned to him), but I'm odd that way. Really awesome story!
| infiniteworld8 chapter 1 . 7/6/2013
I love supernatural and I've only seen a few episodes. this fic was great. John and Dean were both IC. John was stern but loving. It's nice to see him portrayed in a positive way, I think he cared about his boys but didn't know how to show it at all times and was trying to prepare them for their life.
Dean was perfect. Even shot in the stomach he still was worried about Sam. he's the perfect older brother...well almost. The slight argument between John and Dean in the end of the story was nice.
I do have a few small issues though. in the first part of the story there would have been nice for there to have been a transition showing Dean moved to the warehouse. because as you have it written now ,it's rather fast.
Also, I know quite a bit about medicine, so I disliked the way you had Dean wake-up and immediately start walking around, yes he was weak and in pain. but if they do surgery, as they had to do to remove the bullet, he should have been groggy for several hours. Anaesthia doesn't wear off immediately upon waking, it takes time.
Overall, nice fic. though this one has the feel of the start of a multi-chapter vs an one-shot...Just my opinion.