|Reviews for Love and War|
| Maroon Simmer chapter 18 . 1/3
Good chapter and good job on the dull story!1!
| Jak Mar chapter 18 . 1/3
PUT UP THE NEXT CHAPTER IWNT MORE btw great writing its a good relaxer on a rainy day and I love avery she just such a great charecter and needs to be a bit more I don't know ... more soft around jak and her like contant remark about what would torn say/think should dissapear somewhere toward the end of next chapter but keep up the great work and Please Please get a new chapter out
| Rowan and Elder chapter 18 . 8/16/2014
I left my review to the latest chapter so I could review the story as a whole so far, rather than individual chapters, because to be honest there were certain bits that were irksome but others that were very redeemable as well.
Firstly, your writing style developed a lot than it did in the beginning, this is really good but it sort of makes it hard to believe in the continuity of the fic. You have a nice writing style though.
As for your OC, I would've really liked it if her habits and relationships with the other characters made sense and one could see a realistic development. She's clearly proud and it's one of her flaws that keep her from being a mary sue, because she tries to be independent but does have to be saved by Jak more than what would be likely of an Underground's top agent and talented fighter. Yet another thing I find a little hard to understand is that we didn't see her develop those combative techniques in Sandover Village, or in Jak 2. To be honest with you, I skipped over the huge part at the beginning about her appearance, it was way too long and is pretty off-putting being right at the top of the first chapter?
Her relationship with Torn is pretty OOC. He doesn't even treat Ashelin the way he treats Avery/Kit and being the leader of the Underground who doesn't have time to even do the missions he gives to others, where would he find the time to train a stranger of all people to be one of the best? In a year and a half to be as good as she is?
The rest were little things, such as not caring about Samos and Keira being lost in the city after writing that they had been very close while young. That doesn't make sense why she would not be worried or atleast attempting to look for them. Also using KG in written text instead of writing Krimzon Guard.
The relationship I did enjoy was between Daxter and Avery though. I'm not entirely sure why but I found their relationship to be pretty believable and he shows probably one of the realest reactions towards her out of the majority of the characters, such as stealing her diary and holding her secret over her head is such a Daxter like thing to do so well done!
Otherwise, I can see an improvement with the story so keep going!
| Anon chapter 1 . 7/24/2014
Tag for the Mary-Sue, please? There's an "OC" tag in the character slot. Some of us like to filter out such things.
| Sage Nightwing chapter 18 . 6/23/2014
U have been gone awhile.
I can't wait for more.
Good job in school!
| EchoMizuki chapter 17 . 3/21/2014
Really good story so far! I love Avery's character as a whole and the way the story is set up. Keep up the good work, I look forward to reading the rest of the story!
| Sage Nightwing chapter 17 . 3/4/2014
I love it.
I'm glad she got out.
It's weird cause u gave torn what shoulda happened in a normal AWOL sitch in the military.
So that's why.
But I like it.
Maybe have torn gain back trust by assaulting the baron or whatever and saving the day.
Can't wait for more.
| CuteSage chapter 16 . 2/17/2014
Wow! This is amazing I can't wait for the next chapter! Please please please update soon! I so think you should do a sequel because this is really good and you're a brilliant writer!
You left it on such a cliffy right now as well! So please update as soon as you can!
Thank you so much for writing this it is one of the best Jak and Daxter fanfics I've read, in fact it's one of the best fanfics I've ever read! Keep up the amazing work!
| Sage Nightwing chapter 16 . 2/16/2014
I liked it.
I hate how u ended it tho.
But I'm glad u threw in the baron.
No one ever talks abt how he got inside the damn tomb.
Can't wait for more.
| Zero121 chapter 14 . 8/13/2013
Well well well, such a nice chapter, loved it. I wonder how things are gonna turn out between Jak and Avery.
| Sage Nightwing chapter 14 . 8/9/2013
not a lot of people have a original story.
i like it so far.
tho a few parts remind me of a few others stories,
thats bound to happen.
make it your own.
tho im sure you know that.
keep it up!
cant wait for the next one.
make it steamy!
these two need a reason, i say, a reason to stay together!
now make it so.
| Zero121 chapter 13 . 5/20/2013
Well, this was a heart filled chapter wasn't it? Cant wait for the next chapter.
| Ice queen chapter 12 . 3/9/2013
I hope u update soon this story is actually really good I hope u do :3
| Just a Critic chapter 1 . 11/21/2012
While your writing isn't bad per se ( nice spelling and grammar, good dialogue, nice transitions, etc. ), I would like to point out your characterization.
It is okay to have a fan-character be one of the main protagonists, but she's very...unlikeable. This is due to the fact that she falls under many " cliches " ( if you'll permit me ) which makes her predictable and unoriginal. For example, I knew " Kit " would be Avery right when she was introduced. Some of the canon characters act very out of character at times.
The relationship between Jak and your character seems very forced. After all, we ( the readers ) had never seen their feelings develop. Long lost friends/lovers don't really work when their past budding relationship was never shown. To be quite frank, it seems to me that you paired your character with Jak simply because he was your favorite character. Her relationship with Torn seemed like it was thrown in there and it's also very cliche and boring.
I don't mean to berate you or anything, just encouraging you to research characterization and how to implement it effectively as well as uniquely. Read several educational books on the matter or read books by authors who have compelling and original characterization.
Thanks for your time and I wish you luck in your future writing endeavors.
| rachil chapter 9 . 8/30/2012
Good so far; I have been enjoining your story. I hope you continue it soon :)