|Reviews for A Digimon Tamers Christmas|
| Son of Whitebeard chapter 1 . 2/1
I like how little lopmon is the ghost of christmas past
| Da-Tenshi Setsuna chapter 1 . 3/7/2013
This is sooooooo GREAT Pretty much hilarious too
| Do a Barrel Roll chapter 1 . 1/15/2013
Oh man, I haven't watched Digimkn in forever. This brought back all my love for that show.
| Crazyeight chapter 1 . 7/4/2012
Okay, let’s get started.
While imitation is a form of flattery, I must admit to being biased about works that take characters from another work, put them in a different one, and then proceed to follow the same plot and outline to be a bit uninspiring. It works sometimes, and is more of a guilty pleasure, but a piece should at least bring something new to the table to make it enjoyable. I can’t say if you accomplished that or not, largely because there are other problems that make it difficult for me as a reader to decide. With that said, let’s go through this and discuss some of the issues with the story.
The first and most obvious problem that I can see, from a quick scroll, is that you have Great Walls of Text, particularly past the fourth paragraph. Large bodies of paragraphs aren’t necessarily bad, but they look intimidating and are easy to get lost in. A closer look reveals this problem:
Line: Takato jumped and hastily did so and muttered 'Yes ma'am' 'Good' she answered icily. The Ice Queen (as she had become known in London) then started jotting down some numbers herself.
This is chiefly the source of the walls. All the speakers are jammed together on the same paragraph. I would advise that you take a look at a page from a story for reference, but you should notice that different speakers are largely given their own separate paragraphs. The reason why this is done is to clean up the clutter, slim things down, and provide an easy way of telling who is talking and who isn’t. In the larger paragraphs it becomes very difficult to work out different speakers without that separation, and the story becomes more work to enjoy than is necessary.
The next problem—using the same line as above—deals with your dialogue. There are no use of commas, periods, or question marks when speakers are identified or anything of that sort. What the line should look like is this:
Line: Takato jumped and hastily did so, muttering, “Yes ma’am.”
Line: “Good,” she answered icily.
The use of commas when identifying speakers has to do with maintaining the flow of the sentence, as opposed to the use of the period which would bring it to a full stop. The exceptions to this rule are exclamation points and question marks, which have their own meanings which are necessary when showing the audience the emotions or what a character intends with their lines. Without using any of these, and cramming them all onto one paragraph, you give the impression that they’re all one person instead of several. The use of quotation marks (usually involving “ as opposed to ‘ for dialogue, though it’s not necessarily wrong) aren’t noticeable enough to clue the audience in. Remember, your job as a writer is to make things clear. While rules can appear to be stifling, they’re there for a reason, and can be bent once understood. In either case, clarity is what you need to strive for first and foremost, so in the future, keep that in mind.
Odd description for Takato, to be still wearing his twelve-year old style clothing from the anime when he’s…thirty? Never mind that it’s no use in winter anyway…
You tend to write out single numbers in their numeric form. While not wrong (at least not wrong that I’ve ever heard) it’s usually customary to use numerical values for longer numbers, usually in the double, triple and higher digits. From my own experience, I would say that the reasoning behind this is because numbers stand out too much against letters, drawing attention that would otherwise be focused on the story.
On a similar note, don’t put author notes in the middle of your story. It’s distracting and breaks the reader’s suspension of disbelief. If you take time out to explain jokes, joke with characters, joke with your separate personalities, etc…it gives the impression that you don’t have enough faith that your work is good enough to be taken seriously (or failing that you don’t take it seriously enough. Not a bad thing, but bad if you *want* to be taken seriously) and have to resort to disrupting tricks to make it appealing. Trust me, it won’t.
Line: She managed to let out a breathless 'Alice McCoy?' she reached slowly for the doorknob before it screamed 'Rikaaaaaaaaaaaa!'
As a rule, you only need three letters to show that a word or name is being stretched out (for added fun, try actually saying it for that long. About five to ten seconds should do). If you take up too much space a reader can get bored or annoyed. Be pragmatic with your writing. Don’t put in too much or have too little.
At some point after your much longer middle-chapter author note, it feels as if you just gave up completely on making a coherent story and settled on cheap descriptions of visuals to get by. ‘Time flash’ being the most prominent example, and it actually took me a moment to see what you were trying to do. “Think Willis’ Lopmon” being another… I should note that if you fall into this sort of routine, it starts to become insulting to the reader. It shows that you simply didn’t care enough to bother writing description to suit the scene. As a better writer than myself once put it, “if you can’t be bothered to check your spelling, then why should I be bothered to read your work?” The same applies here. If you can’t be bothered to put in the effort, than I don’t feel the need to read it. Put in your best effort at all times. A reader will appreciate it.
Another note: Rika’s Japanese name is Ruki Makino, not ‘Ruki Nonaka’. Stick with either the dub or the original as it confuses readers less.
Line: She continued screaming for a while
Just how long is ‘a while’? If longer than a second or two, someone is going to wonder what’s going on and investigate. How long do people normally scream after waking up from a nightmare?
The ending…was very corny, and strikes me as an even worse example of not wanting to put more detail into it. I won’t comment on the “happily ever after” except that I don’t recall even the original Christmas Carol ending with that line. Also, it should be noted that in Tamers, digimon that died most definitely *stayed* dead.
With the aforementioned problems above, it becomes very difficult to judge the quality of the story until the latter half, where it appears you just gave up. If you keep this in mind for your next bout we’ll see how things go. Until then…