|Reviews for What could have Been|
| Guest chapter 3 . 1/6
Great concept for a story, but the execution needs work. It's missing so much punctuation, that it makes it extremely difficult to read. Every letter he wrote is hard to follow because of that. Also, look at the first "sentence" under Diagon Alley in the second chapter; it's actually six sentences that should be multiple paragraphs.
Also, when writing, consider adding additional information. Such as, "Anything, Harry Potter. Dobby owes you his life," the house elf said eagerly.
| Liliana Flame chapter 1 . 6/18/2013
The plot of this story is great. I was saddened to see that so much time had passed since you had uploaded a new chapter. So maybe you could stop torturing me and write what happened next? ;)
I didn't see any mistakes with grammar and to me the plot made sense. The only thing are: ",.?! and the paragraphs. But for that you can get help from a Beta.
I also advise you to take some time when you simply just read everything that you wrote and then fill in some gaps that you think need to be filled (but only fill them if you think they need to be).
Remember that you may use the advise, but this story here is yours. YOU are the one that holds the reins. Use them and know that they are only yours. Make those characters do your bidding and make this story shine! :)
P.S. I'm still expecting an update! ;)
| Guest chapter 1 . 7/1/2012
This first chapter is awful.
| Guest chapter 2 . 6/30/2012
Good story idea, bad execution. While reading this, I felt like I was speaking nonstop in a monotone - your sentences and paragraphs flow like cold mud.
As an exercise, go back and reread what you have written out loud, maybe even to someone else or just to yourself, and see how it sounds.
A good story speaks to motivation, internal as well as external conflict, non-verbal clues, and many more things. Unfortunately, I can't develop a picture in my head of your story because there is not enough information in your writing. Where is Harry at any given time? What is he wearing? Does he sit for a time in thought, or just rush through doing something? What about the other characters? You need to use words to draw a picture in your readers' minds of what is going on, not just recite line after line of dialog. Give some thought to this, and hopefully you will see some ideas of how to improve your writing.
| anthony37 chapter 2 . 6/30/2012
Excellent I do hope now that her crimes are exposed in teh press and a full public apoligy is made to Harry by the government and teh oress together with everyone who slandered him.
| Guest chapter 2 . 6/29/2012
Really good story but you need to fix you sentences. It was really hard to read. I didnt know when one person starts talking to the next or wo it was. If you can please put " " them when they are talking that way we on person begins and stops talking.
| Entoarox chapter 1 . 6/29/2012
The idea behind this story is good, unfortunately the story itself is not
my first problem with the first chapter is that your harry is well, kinda sorta... a whiny bitch... *hides*
my second problem with it is, that you have shown the letters already, while if you hid that aspect it would allow for a much easier 'how others feel about harry leaving' chapter to allow the readers some closure
the third problem is probably the biggest... ITS FIFTH YEAR - aka, harry still drools over cho, ginny is still the annoying-fan-girl-slash-best-mates-little-sister, he is not yet interested in her, so him telling hedwig to go to ginny when logically he'd send her to hermoine at this point in time is rather a huge plothole
now, the second chapter, to be honest i barely got 5 lines into it before i stopped reading cause 1) dobby is already OOC (and not just in how he talks either, cause i dont really mind dobby talking normal if the author cant copy JK), 2) harry is not even sure of his plans - and honestly, unless in a situation where he cant think it is not in his character to do things without planning
so the idea gets a 10/10, but this story gets a 0/10 and i have to unfortunately say that i will read no further as already this story made it impossible for SoD (Google it if you dont know) to occur
| Pinellas62 chapter 2 . 6/29/2012
Your conversations need a LOT of work. The way you have them written here just makes them confusing since you have multiple people talking in the same paragraph, you end sentences BEFORE the person's words even begin, you skip quotation marks, and capitalizations. The plotline started out good, don't mess it up by making it unreadable.
| Guest chapter 2 . 6/29/2012
Okay, perhaps in it's premise, your story has potential. However, it is very difficult to read in it's current format. When characters are speaking, each person's dialog should have it's very own paragraph. By clumping it all together, it becomes difficult to follow.
Next, why on Earth would Harry "declare" himself to Ginny? Or give her access to his money? He's currently fifteen years old and has almost zero life experience. The letter to her was cheap in it's reasoning but that's only a personal opinion. It could be clarified easily enough with a prologue so we would understand how your Harry differs from the canon incarnation.
| Guest chapter 2 . 6/29/2012
No matter how good a story is or could be, if the grammar and structure is detracting from the story, you will lose readers. This story needs more paragraphs, more punctuation, appropriate capitalization, etc. It is very difficult to read in it's present form. Unfortunately, it has probably turned away potential readers. Good luck to you.
| Princess101855 chapter 1 . 6/29/2012
Interesting. I would like to see where this goes.
| anthony37 chapter 1 . 6/26/2012
Good hope the truth emerges soon and everyone realises they need Harry.
I wouldnt miind seing Harry supporters tear into those who didnt believe Harry and Umbridge's crimes exposed.
Anyway please update soon