|Reviews for he's a rebel|
| Sara chapter 1 . 3/5/2013
I liked it
| 12389011471 chapter 1 . 7/18/2012
Another great song (I like your taste in music) :) and it fits in well will the story. Good job!
| EsmeAmelia chapter 1 . 7/3/2012
You requested a review, so here it is. Be forwarned, this will be long.
First of all, your grammar leaves a lot to be desired. I understand that you just finished seventh grade. I've taught middle school and I know sometimes people your age have trouble with grammar (and that disruptive students can sometimes keep people from learning anything), but I definitely recommend slowing down and working on grammar. Periods, commas, question marks, and capital letters are your friends when properly placed. When a story has poor grammar, the reader usually spends more time trying to figure out what you were trying to say than enjoying the story. If you need help, I'd be willing to go over your stories and fix grammar errors as best I can.
Second, who's Hana? I was able to pick up that she was Han's sister, but where did she come from? Han didn't have a sister with him in the movies. When using original characters, it's best to give them a proper introduction instead of just throwing them into the story expecting everyone to know who they are. Like, what does she look like? How did she end up fighting for the Rebellion? Did she join the Rebellion before Han, or did he recruit her? Is she older or younger than Han? Things like that.
A talent show at Echo Base could make a really fun story. You could expand on that, telling how they planned the talent show, whose idea it was, whether or not they're serving refreshments or giving prizes, what sort of acts everyone's performing, that sort of thing.
Also, I know this is a nitpick, but I don't think there's any place to go shopping at Echo Base. Given that the Rebels are fighting a war and always running from the Empire, I don't think putting a mall or clothing store at their bases is a priority. If they were on an inhabited planet, Leia could go shopping on the planet itself, but Hoth is freezing cold and devoid of intelligent life - there's certainly no place to go shopping there.
Also, Leia didn't admit her feelings for Han until the carbon freeze scene, long after they were on Hoth. At this point in time, she wouldn't be telling everyone about her feelings for Han when she's not even admitting them to herself. Mayhaps instead of that, you could have Leia perform her song and then Han teasing her about it. He could insist that the song was about him and she could insist that it's not and that could lead to a humorous argument - that would be more in character.
Finally, I hope you don't take this review as a cue to stop writing. I'm not doing this to be mean or discourage you from writing - I'm hoping these tips will help you make your writing better. You're young, and you're just beginning. The stuff I wrote when I was your age embarrasses me just to think about. As you keep writing, you'll get better and better.
So anyway, keep writing.