|Reviews for The Scorned Son|
| Tamani chapter 9 . 1/24
Love this story, amazing work! So much of this I could fan girl over as it is really formidable! I hope that one day you continue writing this and that if you still have family matters and work have all toned down
| Blitzstrahl chapter 9 . 1/24
Killing Kakashi and Naruto you wrote yourself into a wall the year 3 hiatus isn't hard to understand.
| Blitzstrahl chapter 7 . 1/24
The situation has gone overboard in it's bleakness lol.
| Blitzstrahl chapter 6 . 1/24
Well if anything I doubt Zetsu won't miss a Sharigan being put up for bidding on the black market since he/it has clones in every village, town, city et cetera, et cetera. He'll inform the rest and Obito would shortly have his errant Sharigan back.
| Blitzstrahl chapter 5 . 1/24
Kakashi is killed by a scrub like Zabuza, but yet Sakura survived...lame.
| Guest chapter 9 . 1/6
Love the political realism. Wheels turning. Ripple effects. Choza as Hokage is not something I have ever considered, but it does seem to make sense. Excellent, excellent work. Typos and grammatical mistakes here and there, but the story is very good.
| AKBingo chapter 4 . 1/5
One thing I find absolutely fascinating is your portrayal of the village elders. Usually, if they show up in fic at all, they're relegated to the position of minor, generic villains. I like that you've fleshed them out a bit and given them realistic motivations. They make sense here, and I like that way better than generic, motiveless antagonism. The Third also seems very well done to me, in that he certainly knows what kind of underhanded and darker sides are involved in governing Konoha, but he delegates. He's willing to get his hands dirty, but he has people to do it for him and he takes advantage of that. Again, it makes sense, and it's far better than the usual portrayals of "super idealistic" or "meaningless evil." Very well done.
| Cersesi chapter 9 . 10/29/2015
I like it.
| JacobCrowe chapter 9 . 7/22/2015
In regards to this story and a potential plot line if this story is ever revisited.
Naruto awakens from his coma just in time for final stage of the chunin exam to begin when Orochimaru may try to put his invasion plan into effect.
He goes out to fight and tries to perform his standard trick of making the multiple shadow clones only to get the nasty shock of actually feeling what the technique really does to a persons chakra reserves which on top of that he never got chakra control training from Kakashi or Jirayia sees him getting knocked out as he tries to understand what has happened.
Never being told what the technique could do or the dangers involved in using said techinque by anybody.
Jirayia showing up completely unaware of the change in Naruto's status as the nine tail's living jail and thus wanting to take him with him to get Tsunade who he believes is to become the next hokage by misunderstanding what Homura and Koharu were trying to tell him and also being completely unaware that Hiruzen was barely alive from the effects of the stroke he suffered or that the next hokage had already been chosen.
Naruto gets dragged along as he is still trying to come to terms with the C Rank mission that his team was on and what has happened since. Sakura having her ninja career and likely even not able to walk without mechanical aids like a wheelchair or crutches just to get around. She has probably lashed out at him in fury or her condition which she blames him for and is unable to change her opinion. Kiba distrusting him for keeping what he was a secret from the team whom he was supposed to be able to trust.
The canon incident with Itachi and Kisame who make note that the Kyuubi has been removed from him which leads to them deeming him not worthy of their attention and leaving him be which he took as an insult from being dismissed before Jirayia reappeared ready to fight only for him to find them already gone. Sasuke never showing up to fight Itachi unlike canon nor does Gai show up either.
Jirayia showing the Rasengan and trying to teach him only to discover the lack of training or even talent which he was expecting from his last student, Minato Namikaze, only child. Naruto getting started on tree climbing which without Sakura to give him help in learning the technique sees him struggle just to hardly advance in the exercise. Only learns something about water walking in mention when Jirayia was trying to explain how the Rasengan worked but does not touch on how the exercise is done.
Naruto can almost feel the disappointment that he has in him, like he was expected to be better but has failed.
When they finally find Tsunade she may not have entered the canon deal with Orochimaru who likely still has arms which were never sealed away in the invasion due to the SANDAIME not sealing them away in this story.
Naruto still challenges her to a fight but she still dominates the challenge while drunk and without the Rasengan which he has still not learnt sees him lose to getting knocked out as his stubborn nature and anger works against him that without the Kyuubi sealed in him leads to a complete loss.
Tsunade questions why she would be the next hokage when a new one has already been assigned which Jirayia does not understand until she informs him. Naruto overhearing this revelation that he sees as him being past over for someone else to take what he might have come to see as his DESTINY, his RIGHT which has been STOLEN from him. Not able to see that he is being irrational and not thinking clearly.
While he is trying to get his head cleared outside the town (TANZAKU?) Orochimaru shows up, however he is completely unknowing of who he is thus he is somewhat naive in dealing with a stranger who wears no headband or identifying ninja symbol.
Orochimaru playing on his hurt feelings and showing him Kakashi's only original technique, CHIDORI which he describes how it works and how he can learn it himself. Giving him sympathy and comfort which he in this story has only received from an adult figure like the SANDAIME, IRUKA when he defended him from MIZUKI as well as letting him graduate and a small amount from KAKASHI before he got killed by ZABUZA.
Revealing things like who his parents were, his father being the fourth hokage, his mother's status as a former container for the nine tails and insuniating that the SANDAIME, Jirayia and even KAKASHI knew all along these secrets but kept this knowledge from him which he would have never learnt about at all if things had continued onward. He is even told about his mother's clan when he had believed himself to an abandoned clanless kid who was the only one around who got sadly with the duty of being a living jail cell for a demon and was treated with scorn when he should have been treated with respect, loyalty and even basic human kindness by being taken in by someone to know what having a family was all about instead of having to live on his own without a proper guardian.
Even uses KAREN UZUMAKI as knowledge that he does have family.
Tells him of how he could learn how to find and kill ZABUZA for what he did.
Finally tells him of TOBI who made him an orphan and an outcast in KONOHA with the offer that he could learn so much to gain his vengeance for his parents who seem to not matter to those in the village anymore. (Lies and half truths spun by Orochimaru to sway him to his side.)
Tells him that when he feels that he needs someone to turn to when it looks like nobody is there to help him he must come to a specific location, the valley of the end where he will receive his next instructions while waiting there. Orochimaru leaves him to go about whatever his business in the area was.
Naruto does not tell Jirayia or Tsunade anything about what he has learnt. However he does test Jirayia by asking him in their inn room while he is looking at an adult magazine if he knows who his parents could be only to be told that he does not know which is never picked up on by him. This lie only reaffirms what he was told.
Tsunade does end up returning to the village to offer her services before she leaves again. Does not surrender the necklace unlike canon. Is able to heal Sakura's injuries but NARUTO can not bring himself to face her after how she treated him with such anger beforehand, thus he never learns that she is told that TSUNADE fibbed about how he tried so many ways to get her to come back to heal her.
Naruto finds himself questioning why he is even trying to find something of value in KONOHA only to notice by chance how SASUKE seems to have now gained JIRAYIA's attention by what some of the villagers are gossiping about without noticing he was nearby.
Still seeking some form of acknowledgement or any kind of attention he remembers the offer he received from OROCHIMARU. Decides to try one final test for KONOHA. He leaves a note in his apartment about what he is doing and where he has gone.
Gets out of the village and makes his way to the valley of the end without being stopped by anybody. Arrives at the valley of the end and waits thinking that someone from the village must have noticed he was missing, hours pass by as he keeps waiting for the sign of a konoha ninja, or even someone from his academy class to appear to take him back to the village but it never happens. That KONOHA never noticed he was gone or even cared that he left breaks something in him which had held on to the belief that he was worth something to someone in the village.
Leaves his headband and his iconic orange outfit on one of the statue heads to follow either one of the sound four (TAYUYA?) or an anime only character who has arrived to collect him, leaving as the rain falls on the valley of the end.
Hours later unknown to him the canon retrieval squad with the change of Sasuke taking his place arrives to find what he has left. He never learnt that SAKURA was the one to find the note he left behind 2-3 days after he left the village who then brought it to the Hokage's notice and that she now feels guilty that she has driven him away. She begs SASUKE to bring NARUTO back as the guilt and shame she feels eats away at her.
This could lead to NARUTO learning the CHIDORI instead of the RASENGAN as his way of honouring KAKASHI while in reverse SASUKE learns the other technique. (Seen in canon when NARUTO thought about how he and SASUKE could have turned out to be the opposite of each other if something had been different.)
| Averant chapter 9 . 4/12/2015
Damn. This is one of the better naruto fics that I've read in a good while. The only thing that could make it better would be hard numbers to show just how thin Konoha's manpower is getting, but I'm not about to criticize you for not being that exceedingly internally consistent. I look forward to future chapters, if or whenever you get more time to write. Good luck, and good writing!
| Beat of a Butterfly's Wings chapter 4 . 4/5/2015
So Kakashi's Genin Team aren't dead. That's all well and good I suppose. Hope they get proper training now.
| Beat of a Butterfly's Wings chapter 3 . 4/5/2015
Looks like Kiba, Sakura, Naruto and Kakashi are dead. Too bad, but it was partially Kakashi's fault. From what I can gather from Kiba's thoughts, Kakashi didn't teach them much at all, if anything. Hm, but I only feel pity for Naruto really. Without Naruto, so many people like Gaara and such might not attain a happy life. Guess I'll have to hope Team 8's compassionate sides win out when they fight Gaara.
| JacobCrowe24 chapter 9 . 3/2/2015
Suggestions for where the story could go.
If Naruto survives the extraction it will be to awaken in the hospital but rather than stay put he tries to escape as it was never brought up in canon if he ever had to be at the hospital when he was little or any injury or illness, not to mention any kind of a medical check up as part of his education at the academy.
If he escapes successfully without anybody noticing he finally notices that he is back in the village instead of in wave country after putting some distance between him and the hospital. May reason to himself that he what happened was just a very bad dream and that the team is perfectly fine, sensei is still alive and Sakura-chan is okay.
It is probable that he runs into team 10 who are finishing a mission which leads him into finally learning that what happened was not a dream. IT WAS REAL.
Naruto could then run to the Hokage office to demand answers about what happened and where Zabuza is, will not even realise that he is talking to a double of the SANDAIME as his observation skills may be lacking as his thoughts are not on what is different about the old man but rather on the subject that some of the ninja are keeping an eye and an ear out for any information instead of actively hunting him down like NARUTO tries telling him that he needs to be doing this instead.
His childish actions could result in him being removed from the building or even thrown into a cell like what happened in the NARUTO SHIPPUDEN movie: the will of fire to calm down.
What happens to him in the leadup and during the invasion I have no thought about. May have an encounter with Jirayia, learn about the chunin exam taking place in the village, visit Sakura-chan who blames him for the condition she is in, her career in tatters as a result of her injuries and also that she is still hung up about Sasuke not being on the same team as her as she states that he would have helped them win the encounter instead of failing like he did. Maybe an encounter with Kiba who demands answers like why he did not tell the team about him being a container for the nine tails or why he did not trust them to tell them anything?
Maybe have him learn from Iruka-sensei about the academy lessons being sabotaged but rather than it be seen that it applied to everybody, instead have Naruto think that he was the only one who had his training sabotaged.
In the aftermath of the invasion and the revelation that a new hokage was chosen if the sandaime died in combat, this also combined with the fact though he is no longer a demon container for the nine tails things have not improved for him overall. Is still treated as a pariah in the village as nobody else may be aware that the nine tails was removed from him.
That he could not and was not able to contribute to defending the village in any method is not winning him support either.
Could be on Gai's team with Kiba and Tenten as Sakura is still going through therapy for some period of time. The pace of training differs from Kakashi's method.
Also of note could be him trying to pick a fight with Sasuke at some point in an attempt at recognition which ends with him losing once again. Hinata could have tried giving him some help afterwards but Naruto would angrily lash out at what he could perceive as misplaced pity or condescending compassion instead which upests her enough that Sasuke turns more serious towards him than ever before by making him try to apologise for what he did to Hinata which only leads to him being soundly defeated and humiliated in front of other people once again.
It could be at this lowest point in his life that one of Orochimaru's agents like Guren who has returned from her mission, the sound four group or possibly even Karin might tempt him with the chance to improve himself. A chance to learn the signature technique of his dead Sensei, CHIDORI.
Also by using Karin and revealing that she is a distant relative of his mothers clan which leads to him learning about who his parents were could see him beginning to think that Konoha and everybody in it has been keeping secrets from him ever since he was born.
Does not leave to join the snake but rather is told that he will be contacted when he is ready to join him with some final words.
"Will you stay in this village where you are not wanted, where you will never improve, where you will always be in the shadow of everybody else, where everybody you know will surpass you, where your sensei will remain unavenged and his killer left to roam freely? Or will you join Orochimaru-sama who can help you improve beyond where you currently stand? Where you can show everybody how great you really are and the potential you could show if someone trained you properly? The acknowledgement you crave from others who have been outsiders like yourself, the ones thrown away by other people. The chance to face Zabuza again and take your revenge on the man that destroyed your team. Which will you choose?"
If Naruto leaves to join it takes days for anyone to notice that he has deserted but possible that he keeps thinking up until he reaches the place he was told to get to that someone must be coming after me but when he finds that nobody followed him is painful to realise.
Naruto probably thinks that the training will only take a few months to learn a few things at which point he can reverse defect back to the village with prized intel to pass along and that he would be welcomed back. The reality he is in for would be a different story.
Don't have him be considered another possible vessel but rather a research possibility regarding what someone who can use the shadow clone method of training can learn and retain in a short period of time.
Have the remaining rookie teams take not of what Naruto has done and the thoughts they have about what has happened. Hinata's reaction would be interesting in that the boy she admired having turned traitor could see her world view changed. Kiba and Sakura learning is iffy being either not surprised or maybe even shocked at what he has done.
Sasuke learning the rasengan instead of chidori could setup a future fight with Naruto in both of them using the others signature technique. (In canon there was a moment when they both swapped places with each other at least in that their positions could have been switched by circumstance.)
No other ideas or suggestions for continuing the story or paths it can be taken
| Lucio BetaBlake chapter 9 . 2/22/2015
Alright. This is pretty good. Personally I'm hoping for Sasuke x Hinata and Naruto x Isarabi. Maybe some emotional side effects on Naruto from the removal of the Kyuubi? I do enjoy how you pick things apart and yes I do know this is on hiatus. I don't mind waiting for an update though, as this is actually pretty good. I relish the facts Sasuke isn't an avenger here, and took a logical approach to the treatment he received. Not much else I can say, good job man.
| JadeOokami chapter 9 . 2/17/2015
I enjoy reading about a Sasuke that isn't, for once, obsessed with revenge. I also enjoy Hinata and Shino's presence, both being character I'm fond of. For the most part, they seem pretty in character.
I'm not as fond of the character deaths, I'll admit. Some of them feel a little bit unnecessary, like Lee and Neji's. The whole 'slopiness' thing is interesting, though, and I find that I like reading the elders parts just as much as Sasuke's. I like watching the village slowly coming together into something better, more powerful.
You treatment of Orochimaru is not as great, so far, at least to me. Handing off the incompitence of his plan to not having people to question him is a little bit of a let down, and I don't really recall any real examples of believing so highly of his own brilliance. But then, he hasn't even officially shown up up and these are things said by other characters, so maybe that will change?
I wonder about the fish-girl (Sorry, her name alludes me right now). I feel bad for what happened to her but for the most part I don't care to read more about her. A background secondary character would be alright, but I hope she doesn't feature too much.
Choza as Hokage is a strange idea. I certainly would have thought Shikaku would have been a better choice, but I guess we know so little about Choza that you can mold him to your purposes, within reason.
Kyuubi's extraction and seal degradation... also feels a bit unnecessary. It felt more like your attempt to avoid writing certain things about him, or certain problems. I did like the way you wrote how the seal was taken apart, with hints of how canon actually played out with the secondary seal and everything, it was a nice touch. But overall the introduction of the degradation felt cheap, even if you do come up with an additional reason for it.
As for the technical writing part, I don't think I've noticed more than one error (But I can't remember where it was now, sorry). Many parts of it seem to flow pretty well, with good descriptions of what the characters are doing. There are some parts that seem a little choppy, too direct or list-like. Very 'he said, she said, they did' sort of thing. I've noticed it less the further I read. Your style isn't very flowery, that's for sure, which isn't really a bad thing. Your descriptions can be a little bit on the bland side though, sometimes.
Anyway, I did enjoy reading it. My favorite part was honestly following the villages progress over Sasuke's, since he and his team haven't really made much noticeable progress. I hope that you do find time to write again, even though it's been so long. I'll be on the look out for it! But if not, good luck with any other stories you eventually write.