|Reviews for Paradise sought|
| arabella15 chapter 13 . 6/30/2014
This is soooooo awesome! It really does the movie justice let me tell you. :) (Also I wanted to tell yard the Dr. Strangelove reference didn't go unnoticed it's not often yard see someone who appreciates that movie)
| Hussain chapter 13 . 6/13/2014
I think i really enjoyed your story here. However I would have enjoyed a slightly better ending. Although sometimes what we want isnt always what we get. Did'nt see the point of the ending to be dark and dirty in a way that we flee from "paradise" as such however a darker view of paradise was good. Would have loved to have a more detailed interaction with the "alien" instead of the flight sequence. But once again really enjoyed reading the story.
| Guest chapter 11 . 11/9/2013
It was funny hearing David using the phrase "go to pot". Just amusing. Don't know why it made me giggle, but it did.
| Xeno Angel chapter 1 . 6/27/2013
OMG you're a dude? I thought you were a girl... I love you even more now :-)
| arcee8 chapter 13 . 3/18/2013
Beautiful. A captivating read.
| Imperial Dragon chapter 13 . 3/14/2013
The interaction between Elizabeth and David was great.
| Maiafay chapter 13 . 2/26/2013
Remember, you asked for this :P
I wish I could do the Critique Circle thing and go line by line - not that I would be tearing everything apart, but it would give you a better idea of what sentences worked and what didn't; where I got confused, and what I thought was brilliant. Alas, I have to do the clunky review and probably lose some of the finer points: the typos, the hyphenated words that don't need to be hyphenated, and so forth.
I think overall you wrapped up the journey and destination rather well, and to be honest, I'm pleased to see it's nothing like what I have planned for Gates, lol. There's always that little worry when dealing with the same basic plot elements that you might inadvertently copy or imagine the same imagery or outcome. Thankfully, I am safe. The only similarity I saw is our engine rooms being inaccessible at first. But our interiors are different and I don't have a cute school of mold spores munching on the machinery.
Speaking of which, I did like how Elizabeth and David worked together on that experiment. Though her attitude at first irritated me. It was more her hesitation and doubt over what David proposed, as if he didn't know what he was doing. She should have realized by then (and with him tearing out his wiring) that he meant her no harm, and he wouldn't have been playing around with mold spores had he thought they would put Elizabeth's life in jeopardy. I mean, David all but spells it out: They are REPAIRING the ship, and she reacts like a damn child. I wanted to slap her when she was backing away from him and whining over trust issues. Yeah, David killed Charlie, but seriously, put two and two together, girl. Her reactions were dumbfounding to me - which isn't a jab at your characterizations, but at Elizabeth in all her flawed glory.
And you already know this is coming because I asked about it a few days ago. While it's appreciated, without more references or "moments" of sexual tension, attraction, etc. that love scene seemed really...unexpected. As I mentioned before, I assumed this was a platonic relationship at most, but would have been more open-minded (and prepared) if you sprinkled a bit more innuendo prior to the romp. I had no problem with the scene itself, though, it came (heh) a bit quick IMO after she wanted to tear him to pieces during that conversation about Charlie (David's lack of feeling about killing him). And during the scene, you mention "so easy to forget he wasn't human" at least twice - was that intentional?
And during their moment, you did give attention to the emotional as well as physical - which was good. David's dreamy visions and sensations were a nice touch. If I had to pick the best POV during that scene, it would be his. I like the clash of sensory stimulation for him, and his rather innocent amazement about it all.
Though, I feel Elizabeth should have had more conflict about her actions while in the throes of passion - and yes, you should have given her at least one thought of Charlie. I'm not a fan of the guy, but he was her lover for some years. Elizabeth did muse upon it briefly in chapter eleven, which felt appropriate, but that makes me raise an eyebrow over what she thinks later on in that chapter. During the pain game, she tells herself David deserves it. But...didn't she just surrender to him intimately? How is she the better person when she's having sex with Charlie's murderer? That was a huge double standard on her part, and I'm not saying ALL is/should be forgiven, but she should cut David some slack. Then I feel their teasing banter at the end of the pain game seemed too...casual. Mostly because of the intense mood prior and her heavy-handed thoughts.
Backpedaling a bit. The mold spores. I had to reread those segments several times to get an idea of what exactly they were for and what they were doing. So, they were an accident? Or were they part of the ship's natural processes? And where did the egg come from? I’m going to assume mold evolution…right? Most of those segments occurred in Elizabeth's POV, but I had a hard time following the technical aspects of culling these colonies that multiplied and divided and died - and it ended up being like a story problem I had to solve. I loathe story problems. And in this case, it might very well be just "me" having an issue with how you explained it. Unless I have a visual, I can't picture anything nor understand it very well. Admittedly, I found myself skimming through those parts (which was why I had to reread several times). I feel, that you could probably condense those scenes and quicken your pacing. The mold experiments carried on a wee bit long.
It's up to you, of course. Feel free to ignore my lack of logical left brain prowess.
Oh, and a random thought. David gets his suit back, but after Elizabeth had worn it for what I’m assuming was several days? Didn't it...stink? Poor David.
Now the last few chapters.
I found that segment where Elizabeth and David sat watching Kepler 42 to be sweet and intimate. The imagery there and emotion made me believe she had finally forgiven him, and they had found a connection (yes, even more than the sex, lol).
And I'm happy to say the origin of Elizabeth’s biosuit makes sense within your plot, and the extra bonus is that it's nothing like mine (because mine also relates to plot elements). Elizabeth wearing mold poo. Why not?
Random interjection #2: instead of Earth-like, try terrestrial or tellurian. I don’t know, Earth-like reads so awkward.
Random interjection #3 Adverbs/repetition: She fell slowly towards the hangar floor, and touched down silently. There was no air to carry a sound.
Try: She drifted towards the hanger floor and touched down without a sound. You know I hate frivolous adverbs ;P
Anyway, it's cool you gave the Engineers a plausible home world. Makes that more realistic and shows you did research :)
As for the satellite dish, I had trouble visualizing that, but it may be me again. If I read about a structure that's alien in nature, I need to have it compared to something that is familiar rather than trying to understand its features as is. I kinda got the impression that a spider and clawed hand had a baby (or two), but I may be completely wrong.
The bouncing catch me game David played with Elizabeth was cute. It did lighten up a rather somber and uneasy atmosphere. You do a more casual David that I've managed to appreciate. He seems more relaxed – and though I do say “hmm”, to some of his more casual dialogue (would David really say hey, or goofy?) I don’t mind other interpretations of his character.
RI #4: Elizabeth wanted to say something in response when the airlock moved, all by itself.
Omit “all by itself”. Initial sentence implies this.
RI #5: She raised an eye-brow: eyebrow. Soul-less: soulless. Rib-cage: ribcage.
You and those hyphenated words.
I think I mostly understand what happened with that tall gangly alien Olive Oyl…thing. But what isn’t really clear is what it wanted to do with Elizabeth. Add her to the collection? Feed off her? Make babies? Were they all having a giant slumber party? But what fun is a slumber party if everyone’s asleep?
I’m assuming the alien creature was some sort of evolved Xenomorph-like thing, or maybe seeded the xenomorphs eventually? You (I’m assuming again) seem to allude to that. I’m also reading into Ford and Charlie’s “deaths” as mirroring fates of the alien’s former companions. I did like the whole sequence of the mental rape or “angry mind meld” (if mental rape is too harsh a term). You detailed that part rather well. It was a tad confusing who was saying what, but I reread and am pretty sure I got it right. I hope.
Interesting reversal of David advocating revenge and Elizabeth refusing to do so – even threatening to fight him on it. But again, I’m a little baffled by their exchange when they’ve shared so much: David mentions not having to need Elizabeth anymore( but says he loves her), and they still have trust issues. Shouldn’t they be past that? And that wound. Ouch. How is David replacing his cooling fluid? I might have missed that somewhere.
Last random thing: Saved[?!] I ought to smack you for using that and on CC they would flay you alive. It’s either one or the other. The fact that FFN has it is because newbie writers can’t figure out how to properly convey tone. I’m almost 100% certain you will never see this in a published novel. Cease using it immediately. I knew just by the dialogue that David exclaimed “Saved?” The extra punctuation mark is redundant.
I understand the Engineer race has lived so long they are tired of living. But…since they can be hurt, why not just commit suicide? And if this creature is so indifferent, why bother coming after Elizabeth at all – well, besides curing its boredom?
Ahem, anyway, I like all the references of Children in spaceships. Angels in paradise. Clever ending line, and memorable. The ending gives the heroes a good send off- even leaves room for a sequel. These movies were designed to be a trilogy, right?
| Scathing reviewer chapter 13 . 2/10/2013
Stunning writing and a beautiful story too. This is my first Prometheus fic; I was looking for a story that would explore the relationship between David and Shaw on their travels to the Engineers homeworld. I think I will stop with this fic and consider myself satisfied.
| TwistedDeacon chapter 13 . 1/30/2013
NOOOOO! Please continue! They must return to Lv-223! Awesome story!
| TwistedDeacon chapter 6 . 1/27/2013
How did the mold get to the vases? And wouldn't Elizabeth die from the speed the ship is going?
Also, the transformation Elizabeth is going through is quite interesting, nice touch there.
| TwistedDeacon chapter 2 . 1/25/2013
I like the idea of the suit being a life-supporting machine that feeds your body, something humans would possibly never think of. Interesting plot so far, keeps me connected to the characters and its not too fast.
| David 8 chapter 13 . 12/25/2012
Thank you for this breathtaking and amazing story. Thank you so much.
| megumisakura chapter 13 . 12/23/2012
| Asmodel chapter 13 . 12/22/2012
Ah, nice opening for a sequel
And I think it's good you 'softened' the end a little, for humans need something to drive them I believe and I think Shaw wouldn't have survived a complete loss of objectives on top of her illusions' violent death.
On an alien ship, alone with and android, with nothing to believe in, nowhere do go - I'm quite sure humans won't be very welcoming considering her few changes- and thus nothing to do... Insanity and self destructive behaviour would have found her fast.
This "warning" will give her some time to reconstruct herself and find a purpose of her own once the shock of what she went through and learned when meeting the Engineers. That way your original intent might still be reached, don't you think?
Excellent story anyway, I'll be waiting for the editing.
| Joani chapter 6 . 12/19/2012
I'm only half-way through the current 12 chapters, but the way you ended this has my heart in my throat. Which is better than the cold that currently dominates it.
I'm looking forward to more!