|Reviews for Puella Magi Mel Magica|
| Royal Lovely Pink Rose chapter 12 . 2/26
I love this but its time for constructive critism on two characters.
I like her a lot and in some ways I don't. She reminds me of Madoka in some ways but she doesn't stick with me much. We don't really know much of her family life so its hard to know about her. The shape of her Soul Gem in uniform form doesn't make sense sense her wish is sports relegated. Over all half developed OC.
I wanna go up and punch her. Her wish could have been so much better! All she had to do to be pretty is take them pigtails out and put a tiny bit of make up on and she is pretty. Plus we don't know what her powers exactly do in battle, all we know is she gets a Madoka and Happiness Charge Pretty Cure type dress and she can summon a endless supply of daggers. I mea I know basically nothing about her and can't cry because I don't even in anything about her.
| Royal Lovely Pink Rose chapter 4 . 12/19/2013
Oh my God! This is so good!
| Madey-ChantheVoiceActorNerd chapter 11 . 7/12/2013
AWESOME! You never cease to amaze me.
| Heavy Lok chapter 6 . 11/22/2012
Oh. My. God.
When I realised you had uploaded a new chapter for this fanfic, I jumped in excitement and was eager to see if you have improved.
You have NOT improved at all. Not even the slightest. Seriously.
Allow me to explain:
You're entire story is like a huge transcript, all the way to the tiniest of actions: Person does this, person does that, etc... And like a transcript, there is no background detail such as the cold breeze or the sound of birds singing away. There's NOTHING like that on this fanfic and that is simply dreadful! I must also point out the lack of character depth: Everyone you currently have on this story feels so FLAT! How can a reader such as myself care for these fictional characters if you can't fresh them out? Focus on one character, tell us that person's side of the story, give us something to think and focus on instead of outright telling us what they are doing. Nobody cares about that kind of stuff! What they care about is how they mostly tick and how it relates to the situation.
Check out the other fanfics on this website, it may help you out and give you ideas along the road.
Alright, that's enough bashing. Time for some good criticism!
I absolutely did not see Toby as a cat, that caught me by surprise.
And that's it. THAT was the only good thing about this chapter. If you've added the fight against the Witch or the Familiars, I would probably add that to this paragraph if it was good. But nope, you've left them out/rushed it.
Oh great, the good criticism just turned into another bashing. Oh, dear...
Well, at least you've added a full-stop at the end of each dialogue. That's an improvement, I guess.
| Heavy Lok chapter 4 . 9/3/2012
Wow, I am simply running out of 'wows' because of the numerous mistakes you keep producing.
The number one rule to writing is to ALWAYS check for ANY errors, and I’m assuming you didn’t check EVERY part of the chapter because there’s errors littered all over it.
Errors aside, why aren’t you adding any depth to this? An example would be the girls – how the hell did they get from outside a house all the way to the school library? Did they walk? Did they catch a ride? How the hell did they get there so fast without some kind of time-skip? Everything needs detail and a reasonable explanation.
For the middle section, what direction were you trying to take with this? Character development? Why were there males talking with Alison? Are they important? Was this to make the readers feel sorry for Alison due to her lacking height and sizeable breasts? Again, detail is needed.
I will talk about the Grief Seed now. One: Grief Seeds do NOT appear visible unless it’s an egg that’s has yet to hatch. Two: Did Miyu and co. really enter a labyrinth EVEN THOUGH the egg hasn’t hatched yet? Ergo, no Witch to hunt nor labyrinth to enter? Three: If the Grief Seed did gather enough energy to project a labyrinth, HOW THE HELL IS IT STILL VISIBLE? There should like a distortion in space or something in its place instead. You need to be careful about this in the future. If you’re continuing this, that is.
I’m not even going to comment of the whole ‘I’m late!’ thing, I can tell it’s your chosen running gag, so nothing worth discussing about.
A little later near the bottom, I finally notice detail! Congrats! Now why are you not applying this same treatment to the rest?
This one’s really important, so don’t skip it: What is up with you and your dialogue? Every single paragraph practically has dialogue in them. There’s so many that it’s turning this whole thing into an absolute borefest. Plus, it doesn’t seem to be going anywhere. Like… at all. It's not really engaging, sad to say.
You really, REALLY have to step it up, XDsymphony. You may be getting hits and what-not, but that alone doesn't make this story of yours appealing. Ask a Beta-Reader for assistance next time! He/She may provide you with good information.
And add a bloody 'full stop' to the end of each bloody dialogue!
| ErzaScarlet17 chapter 2 . 7/23/2012
This story is really interesting and I like the character's personalities very much but I think that you could improve the grammar a little bit and one more thing the witches name is Einsamen Mädchen which is grammatically not correct it should be Einsames Mädchen but I don't know if you did it on purpose or not so i just wanted to give a hint still the fic is really good :)
| Defender of the Pen Alexis chapter 1 . 7/4/2012
Miyu's wish reminds Kaoru from Kazumi Magica being athletic and all. Is Nanabey going to be like Kyubey or like Jubey being able to clean Soul Gems?
| Heavy Lok chapter 1 . 7/2/2012
This is just... wow.
When I say 'wow', I mean 'bad'.
Why are there so many mistakes such as no capitalised words at the beginning of a sentense and no full stops?
How much effort did you apply to this?
Did you try?