Reviews for The New Girl
FairyDragon94 chapter 4 . 1/9/2013
this story is great so far. evie lynn is a verry interesting character! i wish the chapters were a little longer though but i'll definatly keep following this
AliceArkham chapter 4 . 9/10/2012
I'm sorry but this fanfic attempt is incredibly painful to read.
Guest chapter 4 . 7/6/2012
Your OC is a mary sue, the writing is poor, and people are out of character.

I hope you're a troll. This story, in the least rude way of putting it, is a butt adfjgtkyjm

But ya know I'm just some bitch, so you can do whatever you want to do.


i think i should go now tumut
EllynoreMoonwood chapter 4 . 7/1/2012
Your story has some interesting take on a new, unique character. You've made a very creative introduction on the character. I hope to learn more about her.

The paragraphing needs work. Whenever one person is talking, another person speaking should start as a new paragraph. Have a look at some books, and you'll get an idea of how that's formatted as.

The story is progressing well, although you should practice writing Shepard in a more diplomatic manner. If he was to recruit an extra person, he would have a logical reason behind that. That there is your chance to elaborate on Shepard's reasons in the next chapter when Lynn asks Shepard why he was looking for her.

Also, Garrus and Thane would need some work as well, but you've done a great work in trying to keep them in character. Remember what each of Shepard's squad members are like in the game, and keep their personalities as they would be in the Mass Effect games in general.

Overall, you're developing an interesting story here. Keep up the good work!