|Reviews for The Last Bond|
| EnigmaticBubbleGum chapter 1 . 12/6/2013
(Here from the WA review game thread)
I know very little about either of these fandoms so I can't really give feedback on if your characterization seems like the characterization in METRO or ATLA. I can tell you my impression of your characters, though. Katagu seems like a grief stricken older brother with the world on his shoulders who is trying to be strong for his family. He strikes me as a father figure of sorts even though he's only 19.
Sokka seems like a sensitive kid who's trying really hard to keep it together during all the loss and war that surrounds him but he's having a hard time keeping up that warrior facade.
Katara strikes me as a younger sister who is constantly being bossed around by her brothers and, even though she knows they do it to protect her, she's annoyed by it. Like her siblings, she's having a hard time coping with the death of her mom.
There's a lot of interesting stuff happening in your story. Coming to terms with loss. Coming of age in war. Good guys. Bad guys. Battles. All against the background of a really cool, well built world.
I have to say - and I mean this in the nicest possible way - that I think your story could really benefit from some editing. There are significant tense issues. For example: "She was a novice but she was quite good for one because Katagu teaches her the proper moves and techniques." It should be "taught" not "teaches." A slip up or two is fine. After all, it's fanfic, not a doctoral dissertation. But when there are as many tense slip ups as there are here it can get very distracting to the point where it's a bit difficult to follow the plot.
There are also a few other grammatical and word redundancy issues.
This story has a great premise and interesting characters. It would be a shame to let it get bogged down with mechanics. Maybe you could get a beta to help you with that aspect?
Great job and keep writing!
| Alchemy's Homunculi chapter 1 . 11/28/2013
As far as the plot goes i cant tell much seeing as it's only the prologue, however from what i've seen i can tell that your OC is the older brother of both Katara and Sokka and acts and seems to be a bit of a peace keeper. I hope in future chapters that you get more and more indept with his personality. For a prologue you did a good job at that. As for grammer and description i would say that you did a pretty fair job at it, i might want to add just a bit more of dialogue. I cant say much more about your story other than to continue to devolop more of your characters personality as you go on. (i wonder how he'll fell about Aang.) Great job,keep it up. :)
| General Corteau chapter 1 . 11/25/2013
Oh god, I'm so sorry. I didn't see your request :P I'm afraid I know almost nothing about METRO, but I will try my best.
So your prologue is absolutely fantastic, but it rings a sort of deja vu. I swear I've read it somewhere...
So I would advise you to insert "But" before "everything changed when the Fire Nation attacked."
"..and the two are the last of their kind" could also be changed to "both the last of their kind.", which I feel flows better. Likewise, "Their names are Katagu and Aang..." should have only 1 period instead of an ellipses because it sort of denotes some sort of finality. Trailing off with the ellipses kind of doesn't wrap up the area as well.
I feel like I'm being too specific, so I will probably just transition to a more general critique now.
Some tense errors, like "is" instead of "was" or "teaches" instead of "taught". For the dialogue, you should also make sure that the general speech follows the age and character of the speaker. For example, I feel Sokka shouldn't be using large words like "emotionally traumatized" when he's upset, especially when they could be replaced with simpler ones like "hurt" or "upset".
Otherwise, your depiction of events and general atmosphere is nice. I liked the story quite a lot. Hopefully my critique wasn't too mundane or unhelpful!
| savinanana chapter 1 . 9/21/2013
I am a great fan of Avatar, the Last Airbender and I thought your plot was interesting enough, and I liked your introduction. It was more informative than the original version.
Several grammar mistakes:
“…,he did trained sometimes in the case water is not available for his use.”
After did, the verb should be in present tense as “did” is the main verb and it is already in past tense. The same applies to this sentence: “If everything did not went to hell.” Went should be replaced with “go”.
Also, you have some sentences in present tense when it should have been in past tense, like: “He vividly remembers the children playing around, the parents watching them with warmed hearts” and “Katagu also reminisces that day was where a celebration was held in honor of becoming a master waterbender.” (And you misspelled “honour”.) You should use past tense in both sentences.
For the sentence “He was fighting off a few firebenders with his fellow waterbenders, and when he entered their mother's igloo after hearing a horrific scream that came from a very well-known voice-“, I think it would be better if you used “…” at the end.
And I have noticed that you use the phrases “The master waterbender”, and “The nineteen year old” too often. It’s a little annoying and these phrases should be used for emphasizing things.
Anyways, the story is very interesting and you have good descriptions of things. Keep up the good work:)
| J.F.C chapter 1 . 9/15/2013
I would start by saying that it felt a bit odd to me to read a story that is officially on hiatus, which actually disappointed me even more because I actually like the premise of this story so far. I love the way you managed to introduce the guardian concept, that controls two elements instead of four, into the Avatars official introduction at the beginning of the story. The dialogue was well done, and I hope that you would change your mind and continue this story soon.
| lydiamartins chapter 1 . 9/15/2013
okay, i usually don't like to read fics in fandoms that i'm not familiar with, but besides thoughts on concepts like characterizations and whether or not this is au or canon, i think that this is a veryvery good read, :) first of all, i admire your length throughout this story since even though it was quite long, it didn't get boring at any part though it took some time to read. the dialogue was written very nicely, and i can't wait to read more into this story, if you're planning on continuing this story or not. [July 18th – Intro: I am writing this because I am bored, and because I am going insane. I've been in this kiosk for three days now—I'm afraid to go outside. From the window I can see about ten people who didn't make it to the Metro, who suffocated and are still lying there. It's good that I had time to close the holes of the kiosk. I'll try to wait until the wind takes the cloud away. They wrote that in a day or two, the danger would disappear.] these would have to be some of my favorite lines, and that entire section in general since it wasn't exactly the most descriptive but it got the point across very well by being concise and precise with your word choice, :) loved this!
| Guest chapter 1 . 7/24/2013
Will Ayatom have a role in the story?
| Legion chapter 1 . 6/23/2013
| curious viewer chapter 1 . 5/20/2013
Wow, i have to say, since i first looked at this story, your writing has massively improved. I really can't wait until you pick this story up again. I'm especially curious about how you are going to connect Katagu and Artyom!
| curious viewer chapter 6 . 10/19/2012
a quick comment, please stop making artyom so emotional. he is a pretty quiet kind of guy, and you had him break down multiple times in this story. i would more expect him to quietly come to terms with what he has just been told then suddenly start crying. and this is an idea, what if this anomaly occurs more than once, and transports mutants and chunks of metro, not big stations or such, but abandond pieces of wall or such? and one last thing, bender artyom? please?
| curious viewer chapter 2 . 10/7/2012
so you are going to reload the story? good, before this you had some mistakes with grammar and the story also seemed rushed, putting in artyom and having the story go along as usual feels strange and maybe you should try to implement more than just :"he made a mistake, he has to pay, but don't worry because we got everything planned out". because that's how it felt at first. i also like that you are giving artyom more depth in this re-upload.
| Guest chapter 1 . 10/3/2012
a intreasting start, can't wait to see how it turns otu
| Katherine Kerensky chapter 11 . 9/10/2012
You've done a decent job of melding Metro and Avatar so far, and I have generally been enjoying reading through it.
However, spelling and grammatical mistakes do pop up rather often in your writing, but do improve the further along the story you get. Also, at some points, it looks like you have taken a thesaurus and used it to switch out for what could be seen as more "impressive" words, that do not fit smoothly into the rest of your writing.
I'd be more than happy to proofread and correct mistakes in your writing, if you would be so interested. As it is, I'll be following this story and keeping an eye out for any new chapers. I think this story as some good potential,and I look forwards to seeing if you can make te most of it.
| curious viewer chapter 11 . 8/22/2012
nice story, but some spelling mistakes, and going through events too quick can take me out of the story
| Sda209 chapter 1 . 6/28/2012
Note: The story starts in a similar way to how the game,
Metro: 2033 starts. Thank you for reading this comment