|Reviews for The Tri War|
| JasonSonicZombie chapter 5 . 10/5/2012
Ok I had to come visit this chapter because your ending to four was a little fade to black, too fade to black if you ask me. Great short chapter it's missing a lot but we'll fix that don't you worry. I look forward to six take your time. Brohoof! :) /)
Keep it up!
| Vinyl Scratch DJ-Pony chapter 3 . 9/4/2012
Very good keep it up! Wow there's a lot of people working on this story I hope it grows big!
Jason is in every story I'm reading now well except for one but still that's incredible.
Anyway I wonder what's gonna happen between flame and dash? It sure is gonna be interesting. And poor pinkie I love pie why why must the pie die?! Sad face! :( :) /)
| Vinyl Scratch DJ-Pony chapter 2 . 9/3/2012
Hay I woke up like that once except I wasn't killed in my dreams.
I could only imagine how much shit would be in pants though if I did dream of being killed.
Amazing chapter I look forward to chapter three! /)
| PonyLover3 chapter 2 . 9/3/2012
So Awesome! Keep going strong! I'm glad ima part of this fic now!
Good job! :) Brohoof! /)
| TacticalFriendship chapter 2 . 9/3/2012
Whoa that must've been one hell of a dream honestly.
I'm not sure if I could be able to walk away from a million bits that sounds too tempting.
Great chapter BRD! Can't wait to read number three! Hoofbump! /)
| SabreSpark chapter 2 . 8/27/2012
Jason was right in sending me here. I have already followed the story and look forward to what comes next.
| PonyLover3 chapter 1 . 8/25/2012
Whoa now this looks really interesting Jason was right to come here. Oh My God! Brohoof dude just simply Brohoof! /) good fantastic job!
| Vinyl Scratch DJ-Pony chapter 1 . 8/25/2012
Zomg everywhere I go Jason seems to be there! That is so awesome! Great chapter dude!
| TacticalFriendship chapter 1 . 8/24/2012
Yes I simply love it I only proof read it once or twice but now that I have time to actually read the story I love it. I feel so sorry for Dashie!
| JasonSonicZombie chapter 3 . 8/16/2012
Constructive Criticism Activated!
This Chapter wasn't the best I'd ever seen in fact it could be near the bottom!
Your "Grammar & Punctuation even some Spelling" could use some work, I found myself re-reading a sentence or paragraph a few times over again. Poor Pinky! Also you could use a hole lot more detail in your surroundings and character description. Also I like that gray hair you gave Rainbow Dash. Here's a simple example using that scene I just mentioned! Example:
Rainbow Dash lied on her stomach on a roaming stray cloud over looking Ponyville she starred up into the evening sky the warm glow from the setting sun illuminated her face she wondered what could possibly come next. Would there be another vicious murder!? "Oh! Pinky! Why?" The thought of death made her stomach churn she remembered her lost friend. Rainbow Dash glared off into the gloomy sky the look of sadness was painfully evident on her face it was almost more gloomy than the skies she sat up at the sudden noise of wings flapping from behind her. "Are you okay?" Rainbow Dash turned her head slowly her eyes widened to the sight of Darkened Rainbow Dash bounced up hugging him rather tightly not wanting to let go, Darkened didn't care. "I think so..." Rainbow Dash's eyes began to water she began sobbing lightly as tears ran down her face. Finally after a few comforting moments the beautiful hug ended so sadly as Rainbow Dash broke off from Darkened who could've sworn he'd saw a single gray hair on the side of Rainbow Dash's mane. "Me too! I'm glad to hear it." Darkened said in a soft comforting tone as he looked her directly in the eyes she starred back at him. "So just who are you Darkened Flame?" Darkened looked shocked and worried. "Some pony you really needn't to know of..." Darkened leaned forward towards Rainbow Dash as time seemed to slow down for her as Darkened kissed her on the lips she blushed heavily her heart pulsated loudly Darkened flew off into the wind leaving a trail of flames in his wake. Rainbow Dash's blush died down as a single tear ran down her cheeks.
I hope your not mad at me or upset. I really think you have a great story I find it very somewhat adequately interesting! Please don't let my review discourage you in any way. I look foreword to Chapter 4. I'm sure things will get really juicy then.
Your Friend Jason! Brohoof! /)
P.S Did you like my re-write of your scene?
| JasonSonicZombie chapter 2 . 7/28/2012
Nice! But you've got numerous spelling errors and your explanation of the world around your characters could be better. Still nice interesting story it sounds like some pony has taken out a hit on Twilight or Rainbow. Of course it also sounds like Twilight is taking the hit out on Rainbow well that's just what I think. Keep up the good work! Brohoof! /)
| Vuld Edone chapter 2 . 7/28/2012
Okay, four things.
First, longer chapters. In your second chapter the title and subtitle make a quarter of the length.
Second, better transitions. For example, she took off to Sugarcube Corner - leaving her nightmare behind her. Next paragraph, but that nightmare was alive, about to come from a black pegasus... finish your paragraph with one element (here the nightmare) then repeat that element at the beginning of the next chapter. No more "somewhere near X" in caps lock.
Third, focus. As a rule of thumb, you insist on what's important. For example if Twilight's look is important, don't just say Dash noticed it. Stop and develop. Either "a look she didn't like, that made her uncomfortable. She never saw her friend like that before" or better "she was stressed. No, not stressed, it was more, something she was hiding. It seemed... painful?" Just say something about it and the reader will know it's important. Same with everything else, the stab, the cake before bed, the Wonderbolts clock, Sugarcube Corner and the black pegasus.
Fourth and last - but third is more important, you need to focus and make the reader focus - you experiment a lot - that's a good thing - but it can easily break your sentences. Two examples:
- "As the graceful Pegasus leapt in to the warm summer air her wings stretched wide."
- "A jet of fire in his wake the black pegasus (took) a hard left to the town."
For the first one, it's that "her wings stretched wide" can be read as another description of the pegasus, not her action: "As the graceful pegasus her wings stretched wide leapt into the warm summer air." For the second one it's that "a jet of fire" can be read as the subject: "A jet of fire took a hard left to the town." Those are the most obvious examples but watch every of your sentences.
There are other mistakes, like the narrator intervening without reason: "her name was...", "so you can't make out..." or "(last chapter)". You should avoid that. There are also verbs in present tense in a story narrated with the past tense. And there are those "crash", "aah" and other "cough" that you should avoid if possible, and preferably without caps locks otherwise.
Finally, while I see potential in the old war having consequences in the present - and you should continue in that direction - I don't see how those two chapters promise to exploit it. Dash had a nightmare, a pony refused bits and that's it.
You need to get to the point and you need to do that fast. ASAP.
| JasonSonicZombie chapter 1 . 7/27/2012
Nice but Twilight Sparkle totally just stabbed Rainbow Dash I don't like we're this stories going, but don't let that discourse you from continuing. I might check out the next chapter but I don't like Rainbow Dash Death Fics!
| Awesomeguy123 chapter 1 . 7/10/2012
Keep up the awesome story! /)
| Sword and Soul chapter 1 . 6/29/2012
The premise is good, but you've still got a lot of work to go before this is a strong fic. I'll explain more in a private message.