|Reviews for Funeral Cake Factory|
| Sobriquet Nightmare chapter 13 . 9/15/2012
Not sure if the first epilogue signals the end of this body of work but I feel like as though I've been shortchanged on a bigger plot that's going on behind the scenes... in my opinion it doesn't help that you used a lot of the "shortcuts" as well. You had something going on in the piece and I thought I was getting to it only to come to this chapter called a "1st Epilogue". If this isn't the last chapter or some sort of closing chapter, then you can just ignore the entire paragraph up there :P
Let's start with the not so good: as mentioned above and in my previous review, the way you describe each scene is so neutral, worse than a newspaper journalist in my opinion. It's being so objectively descriptive, somewhat reminding me of the bible or even some social science experiment where A did X and B went to A to do Y etc. There are a lot of parts where scenes can be fleshed out by active character interaction but were just left to the narrator to describe in the most laissez-faire manner I can ever imagine. This does not bode well for your piece and it is a pity and shame that my (and other readers') very active imagination is not pushed to full gear.
Also, I do not like that you treat the Ragnarok universe like someplace devoid of magic and mystery. Okay, I give you an artistic freedom of choice for AU, but seriously? LOL.
But! I like your plot, or whatever I managed to make out of it. Kind of reminds me of my old writing when I tried to be cryptic and all and the message got half-lost to the audience by the time they finished the chapter. It's not that your message gets lost, it's just that this story opens up so many questions that have yet to be answered. And it doesn't emphasise enough on the story because it doesn't strengthen the plot by reinforcing whatever imagery I as a reader am supposed to have in my mind.
Then again, I'm assuming that you're almost done with this piece. If you aren't done and the term "epilogue" is supposed to mean "I'm scaring you into thinking that this is the end of the story when it actually isn't", then write ahead. I have so many things I want answered and as a reader I am curious, though dangling at the edge of some form of meh-ness. I hope that you don't take offence at my pretty much negative review and continue to write. :)
| 5cents chapter 4 . 9/14/2012
Oh wow. I can practically see how Anois might have gone ballistic if she remained inside that room. Also, Sobriquet Nightmare's reviews are quite accurate. There are still a few times where you stumble a bit with the sentences... but I can live with that (you already had a head-start of about 10 chapters, so there).
| Sobriquet Nightmare chapter 3 . 9/14/2012
I lied about going to sleep.
"Leif remained silent for a moment, and then conversed with Gavril's companion."
A bit condescending to the reader here, since you're essentially telling them that "oh hey, X is going to happen." And then X happens in the next sentence. This chapter is full of telling and not enough showing I feel. Or I could just be feeling crabby. Another example:
"After adjusting his clothing to the cold, Leif suggested to his friends that they all take a first-class horse carriage together en route to his apartment. In his own words, this was his way of expressing his severe mistrust of automobiles and upholding his views about the gloriousness of organic transportation. The trio waited until a horse carriage stopped near the station, wherein Leif contracted the driver and took care of the expenses. Upon boarding, Leif finally expressed his personal greetings to the two."
Why must you tell them that is was his way of being sceptical about automobiles? Why must you say so explicitly that the horses stopped near the station? How did he express his personal greetings? It's like as though I as a person would rather tell you that "I had sexual intercourse with a woman" instead of something crazier, more intense like "HOLY SHIT, that was some mind-blowing lovemaking we had." It is so neutral, so platonic. The joys of writing involves conveying emotion and expression in words. But maybe you did that in your later chapters, I wouldn't know (yet).
Also, shucks, you have so many other pieces that I shall bring myself to read, because they look interesting.
P.S. truth to be told I'm not one for historical fiction. But this fic seemed too interesting from the summary to let up on.
| Sobriquet Nightmare chapter 2 . 9/14/2012
I can't believe that this has ten chapters and only 2 reviews. It seems well-written enough, and I'm certainly enjoying this interesting dialogue between Gavril and Anois. A bit lengthy on the descriptors in the initial part of the chapter though. IT would have een nice to have the imagery punctuated with characters' trains of thought or the reasons as to why they were doing some things. But it's mostly the part in the train.
Also, the "Excuse me, Ms. Dupont." Seemed strange, like something out of nowhere. I couldn't really see how he said it to Anois, whether he said it in a manner that truly genuinely expressed his embarrassment for barging into a woman's cabin, or whether it was a more commandeering tone which was meant to wake her up. I'm not sure, and I still don't know how I should interpret it.
You're lucky that I'm crazy and that it's 3am and I'm too sleepy to review anything else on this chapter, but I think I've snagged myself quite a fantastic read. Onwards we go, albeit later tomorrow, after a little sleep. :)
| 5cents chapter 1 . 8/12/2012
It's been a while since you posted a new fic! I can't believe I'm late in reading this one. Keep the updates coming!
| Nekuro Yamikawa chapter 1 . 8/9/2012
my english grammar isnt good, but i know... and may i say... your writing skill is great
honestly, i was read and get the half of this story chapters, but im wondering, why there is no review until now
may be, the RO players prefer to stay playing than read a fic, but... stay write this, n_n.
umm, sorry, im lost of words