|Reviews for Happy Birthday, Merida|
| SALEENA COOPE chapter 1 . 2/26/2013
YOU KNOW I WANTED TO MAKE MY OWN STORY OF PREGNANT SALEENA BUT I DONT KNOW HOW TO. CAN YOU TEACH ME BY EMAILING ME? EMAIL ADRESS IS
| Origami-Pegasus chapter 1 . 12/30/2012
Story was cute. There were a few flaws:
"good morning, fair princess," or even a, "happy birthday, princess." if they remembered.
You don't need the comma after "or even a," but you do need a comma instead of a period after "birthday, princess." It would end up looking like this: "good morning, fair princess," or even a "happy birthday, princess," if they remembered.
"Her mother and father led her around the castle and towards an area she didn't normally go to: the stables. She never exactly had any reason, though she did enjoy spending time with the horses from time to time. This was a rare occurrence due to the fact that she often spent the majority of her days doing princess duties with her mother, though there was the occasional day when she would go off on her own in the woods to practice archery alone. It did get awfully lonely, though. "Wot're we doin' 'ere?" she asked, tugging at her father's bear-fur cape. "Didja get me a bundle 'a hay?"
You over-explained this. Cut out the third and fourth sentences, and start a new paragraph when Merida talks.
I think the name "Seamus" is Irish, but that's not very important.
"she asked quietly as she got on her tiptoes to try and somehow see into the stable, but to no avail."
Try changing it to:
"she asked quietly, trying to see into the stable, but to no avail."
"In her blinking, she swore she saw the stable master and a small-ish figure beside him."
That sentence is entirely unneeded. In fact, the whole paragraph could be watered down: "She was momentarily blinded by the sun's rays, but could make out someone else by the stable master. After a few seconds of rapid blinking, to her surprise, she discovered that the shape was not a /someone/, but a /something/." (The "/" marks mean italics.)
"It couldn't have been more than a few months old, for it looked extremely young."
Erm...you didn't need one of those halves. If you tell the readers that it couldn't be more than a few months old, we know it'll look young. If you say it looked extremely young, then we know it could only be a few months old. Pick one and roll with it.
"It took her a bit of time to form proper words, but when she did, they were baffled."
Darling, words aren't baffled. A person is baffled. Words are not.
Something else I noticed was that you always put the things a person says after and action, like so:
Person A smiled, "walbgankjgnal gjabg."
Try mixing it up:
"AWGNKAJBGAWG" Person B screamed.
Person A stared at them. "AEAKWNGTYAL eglwungaweg?"
"AGKUANLGJ," Person B waved them off, "awegnalang."
Person A crossed their arms. "LAENGAWLEGJANG." their tone was frosty and coincided.
"After many long and somewhat dragging seconds"
Once again, you don't need the second half (and somewhat dragging seconds). If a second is long, it drags. We the readers are not dumbasses.
"Wot a guid boy!"
Your accents are fucking /murdering/ me. A right accent gives the reader a feel of how the person talks, a bad accent feels like a racist stereotype. Guess which one you're giving off (especially since Elinor doesn't talk with an accent. Why is everyone else except her? Consistency is your friend. It will only backstab you if you kill it with fire first.)
"screeching to a halt in front of them and bouncing on her toes with glee."
I'm going to assume she's wearing shoes, and that they are on a grassy/dirt plain.
HOW THE FUCK WOULD SHE SCREECH WHEN SHE STOPPED?! I UNDERSTAND IF ON LINOLEUM OR OTHER MAN-MADE OBJECTS BUT NOT WOOD AND DEFINIETLY NOT GRASS OR DIRT!
Also, bouncing on her toes. That hurts.
"about to admonish Merida,"
Why'd you randomly begin using such pompous words, old chap? What did I digress earlier about consistency? Don't tell me you've been meddling with inconsistency again, chap, for he is quite an arse.
That's why, if the tone of your story is lighthearted, you don't use big fucking words. You could've used something simple like "scold" or "lecture." And if you didn't know any synonyms? Google it. Google itself gives you at least five.
"Letting a smile come across her face, she let out a soft chuckle."
Replace one of those "let"s with a synonym! That's repetition at its finest!
"Allowing" would be a good substitute for the first "let."
"Merida looked steadily"
Nah, she looked shakily.
| Guest chapter 1 . 12/16/2012
i love princess brave
| Wolf of the Western Woods chapter 1 . 12/9/2012
Awwwwww! That's adorable! Great descriptions I could see the details. Baby Angus! So CUUUTTE!
| chocoholic chapter 1 . 11/21/2012
| Bumblebeecamaro38 chapter 1 . 11/11/2012
Aww, this was so adorable! I never would of even thought of something like this, so it instantly caught my eye when I was looking through other Brave fanfics. And again, it was adorable. X3
| Princess Rosella chapter 1 . 9/5/2012
I love it!
| HAFanForever chapter 1 . 9/2/2012
Hey, once I saw the title of this story, I immediately guessed what Merida's present would be...and I was right! ;)
So yeah, since Merida's a preteen now, I'm sure Elinor is starting to work on molding her into a proper princess. And I figured she'd be pregnant with the triplets at this point, because she looks at least ten years than older than them; we know her age of sixteen in the film, but not the boys', even though they look a little younger than six, which was her age at the beginning of the film. (I also wonder how big Elinor's stomach would look since she'd be carrying three babies!)
I like the idea of this story taking place five years after the birthday we see in the start, because it's halfway between that the major part of the film. It's also a cool idea that this is the birthday where she gets another special present that becomes essential to her in the film. She got her very own bow at six, so why not get her very own horse when she is old enough at eleven? :) I'm sure that she when she received Angus as a birthday present, she felt just as happy as she did when Fergus presented her with her bow as a child. Those two gifts complete her love of archery and riding.
Great story; I can't think of a better idea of how Merida got Angus and how he became her best friend. And I know Elinor would nag her about taking care of Angus, but she kept her promise because he IS her best friend; she does everything for him herself and lets no one else take care of him, because it's what best friends do. And the way you end it with her announcing the name of her new foal is just perfect. ;)
| trisolivyn chapter 1 . 7/10/2012
This fanfic is adorable, sweet, and so cute! I loved the wording, description, and how you introduced the whole fic in a sense that it was Merida's birthday! :) I really loved near the end where Angus becomes comfortable enough to go dashing towards Merida. I just like how you wrote how the bond would be form. Loved it! :)
| Rapunzella chapter 1 . 7/6/2012
Aww, so cute! I think Angus has joined the ranks of awesome Disney horses (right alongside Philippe, Kahn, and Maximus). He and Merida have such a great friendship in the movie––it really seems like this is how it all began! (Seriously, the way this is written it sounds like a scene that was cut from the movie––you did a great job on keeping them all in character, and keeping the dialects consistent but easy to understand).
| Guest chapter 1 . 7/4/2012
I love angus
| Moonlight Calls chapter 1 . 7/5/2012
This was extremely lovely!
| Phenomenally Extraordinary chapter 1 . 7/5/2012
This was a sweet story! It was nice to see what was probably the beginning of Angus! I enjoy this story and their Scottish acents! Nice job!
| gabthebomb chapter 1 . 7/4/2012
Oh, this is so cute. I love the Elinor/Fergus bits woven throughout :)
| Orquwen chapter 1 . 7/4/2012
AWW that was so adorable! I loved it! )